Media Watch: (S)whine Flu

Above: The Media (Photo Courtesy of the Zoo Productions)

JahBanni - Opinion-budsman

Remember high school? Most of you probably do unless you had severe, uncontrollable drug problems that ripped your life apart by the seams and caused you irreparable damage. If you are one of those people, then this will be news to you. However, the rest of us can recall at least one time when you heard an unsubstantiated rumor become so far fetched and far reaching that people in neighboring schools really believed that you used to collect the wrappers from Klondike bars to ultimately melt them down into their purest silver form in a get rich or fat quick scheme. Maybe. But you can at least appreciate the work that goes into a rumor like that, which was obviously just a rumor because who would really do that?

Now, in present day/physically grown up terms, we must realize that the media is basically spreading a similar type of rumor on a global scale. For the record, I believe that “media” is in actuality a gigantic duckbilled platypus that wears Keds which have little lights in the heel, and presides over a board of directors of the major media conglomerates from an oversized bean bag chair in the hollowed out back of a Ford Econoline just outside of Boca Raton, Fla. That is just my rationalization as to why a group of people charged with keeping the general public informed on current events have completely lost touch with reality and promoted the swine flu with such fervor. That can be the only reason that otherwise intelligent people would possibly be so dumb. Platypus law.

A quick look at the facts tells us that swine flu comes from pigs and is easily controlled with treatment. A quick look at the news and you would think that 84% of the people on earth are infected and the 16% who remain unaffected are in danger of airborne infection. The reports of the first death in the United States from swine flu was in actuality a young Mexican boy who had come across the border seeking treatment, albeit too late. However, that fact was lost on the headline writers who proclaimed it as the first confirmed US death from swine flu.

In general, the media seems less interested in actually reporting the facts and more interested in creating hysteria. Hysteria leads to panic, panic leads to more provocative interviews, and such interviews lead to ratings. Ratings lead to advertising dollars and those dollars lead to fleet purchases of Ford Econolines. The platypus is devious and wise.

Platypus Media Translation regarding the swine flu: Swine flu, in fact, was developed by terrorists who hate babies and church. Its effects can be felt on the moon by space people, known as speople. These speople are owned and operated by gigantic corporations who only want to put mom and pop shops out of business and look to create monopolies that take advantage of the masses. These corporations have been working with the terrorists in an effort to carry out their plan. And it’s working. In platypus terms, the flu starts by attacking your feet and completely removing them from your body. It then gives you horrible diarrhea of the ear, and your elbows spontaneously combust. At this point you have only minutes to live. In those minutes you are attacked by a bear, get a migraine, and actually vomit up your clavicle. It is a fearsome disease that cannot be stopped. Ever.

Don’t let the facts get in the way, oh great platypus. Just keep feeding the beast. I’m getting another Klondike.

Report: Evidence of Steroid Use Among Biblical Elite

(David, pre-battle. Courtesy of Moses Inc., BC)

JahBanni

Egypt, Egypt (AP) – When David defeated Goliath during a battle between the Philistines and the Israelites, the biblical writer Samuel likely was struck by how miraculous a victory had been won by the future King of Israel. A relatively unknown soldier, David was smallish in comparison to Goliath, who stood either 6’7 or 9’6 depending on the account. His win over the Philistine became fodder for every underdog movie since, and eventually led to his being crowned King of Israel. In his new book, however, Moses claims that David used performance enhancing drugs during his training leading up to the battle. The yet to be released book, entitled “Biblical Bull: The New Test…osterone,” details this and other accounts of possible steroid use during religion’s early years.

“I feel this is the right time to come out with this information,” said Moses, at least 2009 years old at the time of this writing. “Given the stormy weather experienced by this generation’s baseball stars, I think the time is right to shed some light on a darker side…well maybe just a slightly darker side of religion. Given that every war seems to be fought in its name, you can’t really call this the ‘dark’ side.”

In the book, Moses alleges that David was warned by Saul weeks in advance of his impending battle with the giant, or just tall, Philistine warrior. Saul, who apparently only knew David through his cousin Yitzhak, the local butcher, had wagered heavily on the Israelites in the upcoming war and was prepared to do whatever it took to win the bet. Moses claims Saul contacted Greg Andersonberg, a local Bethlehem trainer and Dominican cousin of David, to provide the young soldier with HGH.

“David knew what was going on, but kept telling friends that his rapid weight gain was from a gefilte fish diet and lots of pushups,” says Moses, from his Hollywood Hills home. “He was in denial. He just wanted to win so badly, he was willing to sell his soul to the … well I won’t go that far, but he made a decision that he would be very ashamed of if he was still alive.”

David died in 970 BC, over 2,900 years ago, but he did win. Scientists estimate the speed of the rock he hurled into Goliath’s forehead to be somewhere around 217 mph. The force with which he beheaded the giant, or average sized basketball player, is estimated to have been enough to cut directly to the core of the earth.

Moses claims that steroid testing was not a typical practice at the time, so its use may have been more widespread than even He knows. Moses and God have not spoken in 50 years, since Moses first approached Him about the idea of a tell all.

“God wasn’t too excited about the idea, but if we’re all about telling the truth, then let’s tell it, you know? I mean this is confession on a global scale,” said Moses. “I did His bidding for a long time to help get Christianity to where he wanted it to be, and I was a bit hurt that he wasn’t behind me when it came time for me to get mines.”

With God refusing to give his blessing, Moses turned to every single publishing executive on Earth. Everyone of them offered immediately.

“The deal came together pretty quickly. Honestly, I changed a commandment just to make it happen, but I got this sick house and a Maybach in the car-port.”

In his book, Moses also admits to his own steroid use.

“I parted the Red Sea. Do you realize how ripped out of your mind you have to be to do that? Yes, I took HGH, testosterone, horse tranquilizers, tyrannosaurus-rex hormones, diuretics, the rub, the clear, the slightly off colored clear rub, and adamantium enhancers. Have you ever attempted to hold off billions of gallons of water on either side of you?”

This rampant steroid use doesn’t surprise the ironically named atheist leader Christian Curran.
“Some of the crazy things talked about in the bible and other religious texts are pretty obviously either farcical or only completed with use of PED’s. No wonder Moses and God no longer talk,” said Curran.

The true reason may not be known, but Moses has hinted that God may have been on PED’s when he rained fire and brimstone on the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorra.

“I’m not ready to say that. But read between the biblical verse,” said Moses.

The Vatican has already reacted, quickly forming a task force in conjunction with the U.N. to unmask all previous PED users in religious history. Leaders from most of the world’s religions have already been called to testify, and the star witness, Moses himself (no relation to Raab), is scheduled to testify next Wednesday.

“I didn’t mean for this to create such a firestorm,” said Moses, sipping a Mojito. “I was really just looking to come clean to the billions of people who follow religion. Also, I will be boxing Willie Ames, the guy who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge, next week in Burbank.”

Wal-Mart Announces Bailout of U.S. Economy

Company will open doors Sunday AM and allow stampeding crowds to fight over currency, will also cut jobs in highly controversial manner

by Aimin' for Failure

Washington, D.C. -- (TruthBrush) Wal-Mart Stores Inc (WMT- Fortune 500) announced a capital infusion into the besieged U.S. Economy on Wednesday. In an unprecedented measure, the retail giant will become an actual shareholder in the United States.

In a press conference in front of the White House Press Corp, CEO Michael T. Duke issued some plans for the bailout. It appears that the company will be applying its tried and tested business model; “Wal-Mart will close stores down on Friday night at 11 PM. This will allow large throngs of people to gather outside of stores and fight for the cash once the doors open at 7 AM Saturday.” The statement was greeted with an immediate hysteria.

“As we move into the business of Government for the first time, we seek to integrate our business practices into our new industry… and quite frankly, nothing is more American than people literally killing each other for underpriced consumer goods.” Duke announced.

It appears that the recession has also taken a toll on the retail giant, and Duke also announced the company’s ultra-controversial plan to cut-back jobs. Rather than facing large costs of paying unemployment to laid-off “associates” (White-trash for “not-associates”), the company will – quite literally – downsize by attrition.

“We estimate that somewhere between 3,000 and 4,500 employees will be killed by stampeding capitalists on Saturday morning. We estimate that a large percentage of the deaths will be ‘Greeters.’ As this position is largely dominated by the elderly, this will save Wal-Mart countless millions of dollars in retirement and pension costs,” Duke announced. The plan is very controversial on the heels of a Long Island employee’s death on Black Friday.

Duke did not stop there; “On top of the 4,500 employees, our analysts estimate that somewhere around 7,513 shoppers will actually be killed by other bailout seekers that day; be it by stampede or bludgeoning by blunt objects, such as the Chrome Floor Lamp: on sale for $12.95! Saturday Only!!”

“Wal Mart is a bottom-line corporation. We get things done. Recessions mean that there are too many people and not enough money. Well, not only are we adding more money to America, we’re actually going to be subtracting some Americans.”

“James Carville likes to describe Government as a cut-throat business… but we actually prefer to just crush people”.

Wal-Mart has long established a system of success by selling bulk-purchased merchandise at a loss in order to run mom-and-pop community businesses bankrupt; at which point they raise prices to attain profits. The company plans to apply the same strategy in the Government market by offering products and currency at a cut rate. This will drive up inflation and devalue the actual American Dollar, forcing the U.S Treasury into foreclosure.

"...not only are we adding more money to America, we're actually going to be subtracting some Americans"

“We plan to put the Treasury Reserves and U.S. Mint out of business. Once the Dollar is devalued, we can start our own currency - The WalMark, at which point we will begin can start buying foreign countries,” said Duke.

Citizens hoping for action had better prepare to be disappointed, as the bailout includes Wal-Mart controlling partial interests in the F.B.I. and S.E.C.

Election Over: Joe the Plumber back to unclogging shit

Joe the Plumber Back to Pre-Election role: Joe the Really, Really Dumb Guy.

by Aimin' for Failure

Toledo, Ohio (Truthbrush) - - Now that the election is over, it appears that the illustrious political career of Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher has come to an end. Unfortunately, the harsh realities are settling in, and good old Joe has to resume his previous persona: an obnoxiously stupid person.

Joe the plumber conspicuously emerged as an “undecided voter” who forced his way up to now-President Obama and asked him tough questions. Curiously, he was cited 406 times in the subsequent debate by Senator McCain. More curiously, he began making appearances for McCain all over the country. Most curiously, many people actually didn’t connect the dots that he was a giant marketing ploy and campaign tool.

Unfortunately, Joe quickly showed why plumbers shouldn’t test their hand in a Presidential Race. While speaking on McCain’s behalf at a Town Hall which started resembling a Klan Meeting; an audience member said: “Joe, I think that a vote for Obama means a vote for the death of Israel.” To which, the uncouth Plumber responded… “I’m going to have to go aheand and agree with you on that one.”

Here is the clip, he even gets torched by Fox News. This interview illustrated why Triangle Tech Alumni are better at running dishwasher hoses than Countries.

Historians quickly concluded that this was the most ill-advised statement in the history of American Politics since Abraham Lincoln concluded the Gettysburg Address with “Hey Gettysburg, who wants to see my [expletive]?”

Now, I’m probably going to sound a little bit arrogant or condescending, or even disparaging towards the plumbing profession. So let me preface it by going on the record saying Joe the Plumber is a human just like you and I… except he is a Plumber.

Immediately upon potty training, I immediately identified plumbing as something that I would use every breath to avoid. The fear of pulling peoples pubes out of drain-clogs consumed my life. Almost every waking moment was spent meticulously working to avoid the plumbing profession. If there are any young readers out there with the same fears; I will now map out the course.

List of things that I did to avoid turning out like Joe the Plumber.

1. Reading.
   

The reason Wurzelbacher got into the plumbing profession is because of his long history of being attracted to shiny objects. When he realized that he could use shiny Channel-lock Pliers to tighten galvanized steel and copper pipes, he was sold. This fixation held true when McCain asked Joe if his campaign could exploit him. Joe could not resist when he saw the shiny bald head of the Republican Candidate.

He was meant to be a hard working American whom many Amurricans could identify with. The only problem was that it was difficult for people like me to believe that such a diligent worker could miss about 25 consecutive days of work to go to rallies and say stupid things.


Things Go from Bad to Worse for Joe:

Joe returned to Ohio today to learn that his clients had been taken by “Super” Mario and Luigi Mario. It added insult to injury for Joe. Residents of his town were pissed when their pipes were clogging and their plumber was nowhere to be found.

“I took a giant smash at a Halloween party, I tried to call Joe’s plumbing, but he was in North Carolina making people dumber. I had no choice, I found new plumbers in the yellow pages.” Said N. Emma Felcher of Toledo, Ohio. “It was really embarrassing, because everybody at the party had to use the 7-Eleven down the street.”

Joe immediately has taken to the media to tell people how Barack Obama has ruined his life. “I told you people that Barack would steal my job; and now look: immigrants took it. Now I have no money, and these Spaghetti-benders are running around taking my business. Greasy Dagos.”

Super Mario Plumbing declined comment as to their current Visa status.

“Have you ever been to Toledo?” asked Toledo Mayor Richard Blumpkin. “I don’t care if they are illegal immigrants; we need as many plumbers as possible.”

Even worse for Wurzelbacher: He has already been forgotten as America’s most famous surnameless individual. This morning, Barack Obama made a brief appearance at a train station before boarding Thomas the Tank Engine, and Popeye the Sailorman deployed for his third tour of duty in the Persian Gulf.

NAMBLA Outs Superstars, Hopes to Hit Mainstream

(At right, Todd Marrish's Econoline, courtesy of The TruthBrush)

JahBanni

Topeka, Kan. (TruthBrush) - The North American Man Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA as it is uncommonly referred to, is looking to go big time. The creepy weirdos released a statement yesterday promoting a new album full of songs by celebrities who purportedly are part of the association’s supposedly wide-ranging membership. The release and upcoming album are part of a new public relations push looking for universal acceptance of statutory relationships between yucky old men and unsuspecting young versions.

Todd Marrish, head weirdo of NAMBLA, held a press conference yesterday in the back of a windowless van in the alley of a candy shop just outside of Topeka, Kansas. Marrish, a balding man with a long brown and flowing braided tail, tinted yellow glasses, and a disheveled mustache, says despite any claims to the contrary the celebrities included on the album are in fact members of NAMBLA.

“It is time we come clean,” said the 39 year-old Marrish inside the 1987 Ford Econoline from which NAMBLA operates. “We have tens of members and we want to be accepted. Out of all our members, many are celebrities with great musical talents, and we want that to be known.”

NAMBLA’s debut album, entitled “Maybe YOU’RE Crazy: Artists for Acceptance” is set to feature songs from famous artists such as Gary Glitter, Pete Townshend of The Who, and most notably the King of Pop himself – Michael Jackson.

All three of the artists have denied any involvement with the project and claim any of the songs used on the compilation were previous works not intended for use as part of a NAMBLA publicity campaign. All three, however, have in the past been linked to inappropriate contact with children, while only Jackson has been accused of carousing with young boys.

“Gary has not recorded music in years,” said Sarah Sequin, 14, his wife and advisor. “He is unequivocally not part of this association.”

Lawyers for Townshend have been equally as forthcoming with their denials. “Pete wrote songs such as ‘My Generation’ and albums such as ‘Tommy’ for The Who. He never recorded the song on the album. It’s fact,” wrote Thomas Thompson, Townshend’s lawyer.

Michael Jackson actually went public to defend himself. Earlier this morning, appearing in the mirror of a London hotel, Jackson claimed the song on the album IS in fact performed by him, but was intended as a public service address for parenting. “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me,” was a re-make of the classic Elton John song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtwXlhU-J-c), intended to help parents see signs of dangerous behavior by their children.

“I never intended for this song to fall into the hands of a disgusting group like NAMBLA,” said Jackson. “I am actually a member, but this song shouldn’t be on the album.”

Marrish doesn’t buy the claims, and will continue his plan to release the album.

“I’m saddened to hear these denials by three of our most honorable members,” said Marrish. “But it does not weaken our resolve to become part of mainstream America.”

Marrish, who offered Spree, Nerds, Kit-Kat’s and other candies to those who entered the van for the press conference, expects the album to be released shortly after he serves his upcoming 3 month sentence on weird and socially and morally disgusting behavior charges.

Game Misconduct?

Palin Drops the Gloves, Vice Presidential Ball

byJahbanni

Kitchener, Ontario – Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin may have taken a penalty yesterday that will cost her party far greater than another team’s goal on the ensuing power play. This potential penalty could cost the Palin and her running mate, Sen. John McCain, residence in the White House and could possibly land Palin herself in the big house. Palin allegedly assaulted Joe Sixpack in the parking lot of a local ice rink yesterday, in the culmination of a youth hockey event gone terribly wrong for the Governor of Alaska.

The incident occurred after Willow Palin’s hockey team was eliminated in the third round of a youth tournament being held at Kitchener’s Basementer Ice Arena. As it often does with hockey parents, a borderline dirty play in the third period raised tensions throughout the arena with multiple parents heard screaming infidelities at their counterparts.

“Your hair,” bellowed Mitchell Michelle of Saskatoon, “is EVERYWHERE.”

The game itself finished without incident, but Palin was clearly incensed. Witnesses say Palin was seen removing jewelry as the buzzer sounded and even broke off her French Canadian manicured nails. Sixpack, 25-50, of Everywhere U.S.A., Alaska, began walking his daughter Ivanna to the concession stand to get her a Gatorade and himself a namesake, according to close friend Mewelde Middleclass, 34 of Every Middleclass Neighborhood in Amurrica, Alaska. Sixpack and Palin had never exchanged words, according to sources, but Palin apparently could not control her incredible rage.

“Darn it Joe, now dontcha make me do theeeis in front of the keeids,” Palin was overheard saying. “I’m gonna healfta lose my mind on you Joe. You wanna go?”

Sixpack, a former hockey player himself who recently has fallen on hard times due to the price of food, gas, and beer and a lack of change, was not willing to meet the VP candidate’s challenge.

“It’s not the right time,” slurred Sixpack. “Next face-off, next face-off.”

Palin, however, was undeterred. As Sixpack attempted to skate to his car, Palin approached him from behind, and gave him a face wash. Sixpack turned to face his assailant as Palin circled shaking her mittens in an attempt to goad the father of 3 into a scrap. Sixpack bluffed, faking the dropping of his car keys, but that was all Palin needed. Her mittens hit the pavement, and her fists hit their targets, Sixpack’s face.

A spirited bout ensued with Palin holding the early edge thanks to a few quick shots on the stunned Sixpack. Sixpack recovered when he was able to grab hold of Palin’s hockey mom jersey and get it halfway over her head, landing two rights of his own. Palin eventually finished the bout as she wiggled out of the jersey and freed herself from the constricting Vice Presidential elbow pad to land a series of vicious rights, leaving Sixpack turtled on the pavement next to his mini-van.

Scotty Bowman, in attendance due to his love of youth women’s hockey, saw the exchange as a cowardly act on the part of Palin.

“It was a cheap fight. No honor,” said Bowman, currently in an advisory role with the Detroit Red Wings/Green Party. “It was an attack, not a fight – similar to Marty McSorley and Todd Bertuzzi. Palin had one thing on her mind the whole time she was on the black ice – revenge. Most dogs don’t know now to use a canoe.”

His curious last comment aside, Bowman believes Palin will pay a steep price when her sentence is handed down.

“Oh, for sure, yeah,” said Bowman. “For sure.”

When reached for comment, Sixpack said, “There is just no place for that in hockey parenting. If I was Eric Everyman from Dayton Ohio, would she treat me like that? No. But because I’m Joe Sixpack, from Alaska, and a hockey dad, she feels its within her rights as a Vice Presidential candidate to drop the mittens and throw when I’m not interested in returning the favor. It’s not over. Our daughters play another 3 times this season, and I won’t go out of my way, but put it this way - I’ll know where she is on the black ice after the game.”

Palin, for her part, was seemingly apologetic when reached for comment.

“One thing that Americans do at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves just every day American people, Joe Sixpack, hockey moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say never again.”

When asked if that meant hanging up her mom-skates, Palin was unclear in her answer. “You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, ‘How are you feeling about the economy?’”

She later denied, however, being at fault in the attack instead placing blame on Sixpack family friends, allegedly Larry and Lorraine Lender, for instigating the brawl by running the goalie in 8th grade.

“Darn right it was the predator lenders,” scorched Palin.

Kitchener Mounted Police Chief, Artie Aboatman, said charges have been filed, though he declined to confirm the rumor that Palin was facing instigating charges as well.

Palin is due in a Kitchener Court Roomer later this year.

Waldo Goes to OSU on Hide-and-Seek Scholarship

Where's Waldo?... Columbus. Gets full ride to play Hide-and-Seek for the Buckeyes.

By Aimin' for Failure

Jeanette, PA (Truthbrush) - - Ohio State’s Hide and Seek team, ranked #4 nationally, received a huge shot in the arm when they received a signed commitment from one of the most highly sought-after recruits of all time, Waldo.

Waldo was being courted by many of the top teams in the country. He had narrowed it down to Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State, three well known Big Ten HandS programs. The recruitment came down to the wire; it even went past National Signing Day. But in the end Waldo chose the Buckeyes. When reached for comment, he said. “I'm from PA and I really love Penn State, but when it came down to it, Ohio State just paid me a lot of money. Check out my sweet red and white striped corvette.”

Waldo joins an already strong HandS team at OSU, a team loaded with disappearing talent. Most notably: Bigfoot, The Unabomber, The Wizard of Oz and Brittany Spears’ Dignity. They are coached by the most famous Hider of all time: Richard Simmons, who has been hiding in the closet for over three decades.

Waldo received a great deal of fame and notoriety in the 90’s due mostly to his “Where’s Waldo?” book series. Born Ryan Walde, his head swelled to enormous proportions, and he shortened his moniker to a single-name… reminiscent of other arrogant celebrities like Cher, Pele, The Undertaker, Bambi and God (full name God Shammgod).

Waldo, after starring in his series of Where's Waldo books, made a name for himself as one of the top illusionists in the country. He has appeared in paintings, pictures and also in court for appearing in the rooms of unsuspecting women. It is widely believed that Waldo has been using his camouflaging abilities for all of the wrong reasons.

In recent years, Waldo befriended Chris Angel and David Blaine, two of the other top illusionists in the world; also two of the biggest creeps in North America. They spent a great deal of time trying to pick up underage girls at malls with magic and illusions on TV. After a 2003 rape allegation, rumors began to swirl about Waldo’s use of his abilities.

“Fame came hard to him;” said friend and fellow character Wanda. “Waldo thought he could have any woman he wanted. But look at him… he is a giant creep, so it never really worked that way for him. Unfortunately, he’s a lot better at hiding than talking to girls. So Waldo would meet a girl at a bar, get rejected by her, and be hiding in her hotel room or apartment when she got home.”

“His favorite song was Clay Aiken’s. The one with the lyrics: ‘If I was invisible, I would just watch you in your room.” Said Wanda. “It’s pretty creepy when you think about it.”

Waldo has gotten off of 2 rape charges and 7 charges of stalking and trespassing. Many believe that these charges were dropped due to his high profile and bright future in Hide and Seek.

This is the most publicity Waldo has received since he won a lawsuit against a sex-toy company for a wall mounted sex toy which used his name. He was awarded 19 dollars.

Holy Phobia Batman!

Caped Crusader Caves, Changes HQ

Batman at his new HQ (TruthBrush)

By Jah Banni

Gotham City (TruthBrush) – Bruce Wayne is a confident man. Confident enough to run a multi-billion dollar organization in a fictional city. Confident enough to pretend that everyone in his fictional hometown doesn’t realize that he is also Batman. On Monday, however, Wayne was confident in something much less soothing to his sizable ego: taphophobia.

According to a random online medical dictionary, taphophobia is defined as a morbid fear of being buried alive. Due to complications from this social disorder, Wayne announced yesterday that he was moving Batman’s headquarters to an office park on the outskirts of Gotham.

“I cannot tell you the exact address – I don’t want my considerable list of enemies knowing exactly where I operate from,” said Wayne, dressed now as Batman. “But I can assure you that my commute will not affect my ability to fight crime in this great city. I may be able to take the subway sometimes, and other times Gotham’s great cab drivers may be needed as well. The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it? But this should be a really great move for us.”

To be clear, Wayne Enterprises is staying put at its current location. Only Batman’s secret hideout is moving to an undisclosed location just north of the city in an office park pictured above.

“I don’t mind the picture, there is really no way my gigantic list of enemies could ever deduce my whereabouts with just this picture as evidence,” said Batman. “They would need to know that I’m now on Keaton St. and other information like that, which I’m not willing to give them.”

Dr. Richard Kimball, Batman’s PCP, says the phobia from which Batman suffers is extremely crippling.

“Look, the man worked out of a cave,” said Kimball. “The fear of being buried alive would be almost impossible to overcome in that case. Now that he is at the undisclosed location on Keaton St., he should have no such fears. It is really a nice space.”

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"The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it?"

- Batman

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Rychard Gasparsciullo, the CBRE sales associate in charge of the office park, says Batman got an excellent deal.

“He really got a pretty good deal. It’s definitely a step up from his cave. I can’t think of anyone who would say otherwise. He has a nice car, and so do I, so it is a pretty good deal for everyone.”

Wayne’s butler and longtime confidant, Alfred Pennyworth, said he is disappointed by the move, but worries what would have become of Wayne/Batman had they remained in the cave.

“He was really becoming quite skittish,” said Pennyworth. “A friend tried to get him to join the Scientology movement, but he said no. But he did drink a lot. Drunk Batman did not equal cool Batman. He cried a lot.”

Robin, Batman’s sidekick and boy wonder, is happy for him but doesn’t expect to move his own secret hideout.

“I’m really excited for him,” said Robin. “But this male strip club has always been my home, and I’m not ready to make such a move. And nobody has found me yet, so why move when you love the place you’re in?”

James Gordon, Gotham City’s Commissioner, is also happy for his longtime friend and ally.

“Bruce, er, Batman is a dear friend of mine personally and of the city we live in. He deserves that palace of an office park on Keaton St. just past the McDonalds on the left,” said Gordon. “I just hope people don’t go looking for him. That wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone. But I don’t think they could find him anyways.”

Today, Wayne says, he is more confident than yesterday.

“I am very confident. Very much so. Look, yesterday I was scared that my house was going to cave in on me,” says Wayne, smelling of gin and not wearing any boots. “Today, I know that if I want McDonalds, and I’m in the office I can just run over and get it. I know that if someone in town is in trouble, our public transportation systems will get me there in plenty of time at a low cost to save the day. And I know my office won’t attack me.”

Gotham City, should be so confident.

Study Shows Pregnancy More Common in Women

Maybe the mama? (Photo courtesy of Rambo)

By Jah Banni

Rochester, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Freida Dirte, a lead OBGYN at the Mayo Clinic, claims new research emphatically shows pregnancy to be unlikely to occur in men. According to her study, women are the leading cause of birth in the United States.

“In most instances, we have found that men who appear pregnant are, in fact, not,” said Dirte, 37. “More often than not, they are just overweight or hiding a bulbous object in their bodies.”

Statistics released show that 98.4% of all babies in the United States are born by women, .7% born by the Spears family, .5% by surrogates outside the U.S., .3% by wives of Tom Cruise, and the rest by men. Manbirths, as they are commonly known, are very uncommon in urban areas and tend to be exclusive to areas such as Idaho and Idaho.

“We know that Scientology, Tom Cruise, and babies are synonymous. We know the same about Britney and Jamie Lynn. But after those two, Manbirths are the most common form of childbirth outside of women,” said Dirte. “But it is important for the general public to realize, this is very real, but not every man that looks pregnant is, in fact, with child.”

How, though, will we know when a man is pregnant or when he is a drug runner hired by a Columbian transvestite to undergo surgery to insert drugs, money, and a November issue of Popular Mechanics magazine for smuggling purposes? How will we know when a man is with child or just enjoys circular objects in his gut? To help educate America about its pregnant males, Dr. Dirte created the following chart detailing the differences.

Still, laypeople are still confused by the phenomenon. Marcel Ricot, a French Canadian in the U.S. to teach hockey to infants, could not tell the difference.

“It makes little, eh eh eh, how you say, sents? Sents? Sense. It makes no sense,” said Ricot, of Montreal. “They all look weird.”

More confusing yet, even to OBGYN’s, is how men get pregnant in the first place. Various studies are currently underway, but Dr. Dirte warns not to expect an answer too soon.

“It is going to be a very long road before we really figure this out,” said Dirte, “but as of now our only lead is that Tom Cruise is the father of all manbirthed children we have studied. That is not to say this will hold true from here on out, but its hard not to think that way.”

According to Dr. Dirte, men who become pregnant feel the same side affects as their female counterparts including increased appetite, mood swings, and the need to take naked photos.

“If you know a man who may be pregnant, please contact the Mayo Clinic. It is a very traumatic experience and we have a team on hand to handle it, which is why they’re on hand,” said Dirte.

Donkey Punches Dole

Lawsuit Likely In Banana Wreck

by Jah Banni

(Donkey Kong - Image Courtesy of Diddy Kong)

A beloved member of the Nintendo family is facing a long recovery after suffering two broken hoofs and a cracked sternum in a nasty dust-up over the weekend. Donkey Kong, 26, was hurt Saturday when his kart struck a banana and veered off the road on a rural section of Toad’s Turnpike. Lead investigator and close friend Koopa Troopa said that Kong was lucky to be alive.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

(The section of Toad's Turnpike where Kong krashed)

“This kind of thing has to stop.”

Diddy Kong, a nephew and close confidant of Donkey Kong, believes there was foul play involved - on the part of the banana company.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

- Koopa Troopa

“I don’t think there is any doubt the banana company has shown gross negligence in this case,” said an obviously shaken Diddy Kong. “We have been seeing this very same incident repeated over and over for the past 15 years. It was one thing when people like my Uncle and Yoshi and Toad were on the track doing it for the entertainment of others, but we are seeing an increased amount of banana related accidents and something has to change.”

Donkey Kong’s racing past, including repeat appearances in the Mushroom, Flower, Star and Special Cups could not prevent the accident, something his nephew also blames on the Banana producer.

“The bananas, they are actually grown strictly to blow up the hovering balloons on the side of the karts we drive. How many corporations can say they produce something strictly to hurt the way of life of the public? Apparently only Dole,” said the angry younger Kong.

“It is early, but the odds of a lawsuit are high. We need to sit down as a family with Uncle Donkey and our team of lawyers and decide where to go from here.”

Donkey Kong was not racing, nor dueling, at the time of his accident. According to Koopa Troopa he was on his way home from Dr. Mario’s office, ironically hauling a large load of barrels in his kart, when the banana positioned itself just onto the road near a bend in Toad’s Turnpike. After the wreck, Kong was returned to Doc Mario’s office where he was treated and sent home to rest.

Representatives from Dole told The Truth Brush they would have no comment on the incident.

Suicide Rates Skyrocketing Amongst Terrorists

By: Aimin for Failure
Truthbrush Middle-East and Middle-North poorespondent

Gaza Strip -- Khalid Al Siciliano, A 17-year-old Suicide Bomber detonated himself Monday in a crowded market in a heavily Jewish settlement. Fortunately, there were absolutely no fatalities and even zero reported injuries. Unfortunately for the Terrorist, his evil plot actually supplied quite the dramatically opposite effect. He failed to inflict any harm – other than his own – but did manage to provide a breathtaking fireworks show for all of the intended victims.

“It was awesome, it was like a really cool light show with gore and brains and guts too. It was like Saw III combined with a Michael Bay action movie. It had explosions, lights, sounds, blood, gore and body parts… awesome. Totally Tubular.” Said a 15 year old witness named Mikahlanyelo.

The act was the latest of an increasing trend of suicide within the terrorist communities of Palestine and Iraq. The suicide rate, especially amongst teenage-terrorists, has been rising dramatically of late.

“If these kids don’t stop killing themselves, we're not going to have anyone left to blow themselves up.” Said Hammas Leader Kareem Abdul D’Imperio.

Al Siciliano exhibited all of the signs. He had recently given away his prized possessions like goat balls and Nike Air-Jihad Sandals. After being picked on by other students at T.I. – The Terrorism Institue [ironically a namesake of the garbage rapper] - Khalid began listening to Emo bands like Camelboard Confessional. He wallowed in self pity, and convinced himself that his life was indeed harder than everyone else on the planet… including all of the poverty-stricken kids around his village.

A study conducted on T.I. students found evidence directly linking increased whining with the more affluent and spoiled the teen.

Terrorist Leaders are very disturbed by the development of losing some of their youngest members; and are searching for explanations. They have launched a full scale investigation into the matter; discovering a suspicious trend among the suicide notes, which they think may lead them to someone upon whom to place the blame.

A leader identifying himself as Ayatollah Bob said: “We think we have found the person responsible for these Suicides, and we think it is Allah.”

“We discovered a common theme within the suicide notes, most of them have been written “In the name of Allah or Mohammed”. It appears to be a cryptic message, and we believe that Allah and Mohammed may have returned to Earth as a rap or heavy metal group, and are telling kids to kill themselves.

“They are doing this through music… This is all reminiscent of the 80’s in Great Satan [America] when many kids offed themselves and quoted Ozzy Osborne lyrics in suicide notes.

“These kids are being influenced by music and television. This is the Devil…the Infidels are invading our culture through technology to corrupt our youth and disrupt our Jihad. We need to find the bands responsible for this, even if it is our Prophet Mohammed, and issue a Fatwah [death sentence] to hunt them down to stop them from killing our children. We will blow them up by sending children in with bombs strapped to them.”

Ayatollah Bob then clarified that, of course, these children will receive 21 virgins, even though they still think girls have cooties. The families will also receive money from the Terrorist Pension Plan.

Band of Drummers

Election May be in the Bag ... Pipe?

By Jah Banni

Des Moines, Iowa - The 2008 Presidential Election debate tour is heating up the airwaves and the potential candidates alike. According to one man, however, all of this effort may prove to be more futile than a rock concert for the deaf. Tron Boan, leader of the League of American Marching Band Society believes the election has, in fact, already been decided.

“When the song ends,” says Boan, 54, “the L.A.M.B.S. will have decided the next leader of the free world.”

If Boan comes off as brazenly prophetic, it is by design.

“I am the leader of the L.A.M.B.S., what amounts to a nationwide high school band,” the sinewy L.A.M.B.S. leader boats. “I have, at the least 100,000 high school bands with approximately 80 kids in each band at my disposal. This means I have approximately 8 hundred billion young people to vote for the same person.”

While Boan’s math is only somewhat accurate, his premise is played at the perfect pitch. At least one political analyst, Dunville F. Wasp, agrees.

“High school bands are the single greatest voting power in the United States. There are just so many of them. On top of that, they break down race, religion, and class barriers,” said Wasp. “They own the vote in their respective schools and never, ever vote against the majority.”

This much we know. 98.3% of all important high school elections either go to band members or people the band supports. Evidence of this can be seen from a lawsuit filed late last week in Bethesda, Md. In the suit, the family of Michelle Endaygay Ochello asserts the band fixed a vote for Homecoming Queen, taking away the win from their “more popular and beautiful” daughter. The winner, not surprisingly was Louise Nastay, a junior tuba player in the marching band. The suit, while currently unsettled, represents a microcosm of the power marching bands have in America.

Others have also questioned recent results in democratically decided votes. For instance, the new Boulder, Col. Police Chief is 16 year old Michael Steinowitz, formerly a flutist in his high school band. Mandy Frenkel, 18, recently left her post as trumpeter in the Dade County High School band to accept a position as President and CEO of Disney Corp. Wasp believes this trend will continue.

“I think in the future we will see marching bands making almost every important decision in this country,” said Wasp. “Only since they started playing Tron Boan’s song have they truly harnessed their potential.”

The boastful Boan believes people will realize soon enough how hard it will be to silence the L.A.M.B.S. With the current requirements to become President, Boan realizes it will be impossible to have a high school band member elected to the position, but already knows who they will vote for.

“It rhymes with Britt Homney,” laughed Boan.

If Boan is correct, the world will soon be playing his song.

Soulja Boy Declares War on Enjoyable Hip-hop

Promoted to Jeneral, he also takes on Terrorism

By: Aimin' for Failure
Truthbrush Music / War poorespondent

Covert plans were revealed by the government about the war on terror that might help to explain the strange and improbable rise of Soulja Boy’s music career. Scratch that… sound career.

President Bush, seeking advice from new sources for the war on terror, met with the wisest of all mortal soothsayers: the unfaltering tutor of the Fresh Prince - Uncle Phil. During the meeting, Uncle Phil (actor James Avery) told Bush; “Unless you can find Superman, this war is going to drag on forever.”

President Bush sought out Superman, but was informed by Marvel Comics that Superman was in fact a fictional character. The government then sought out the next best thing: Soulja Boy. Bush said: "I've heard this song, I don't know how he managed to turn Superman into a verb, but I like it. He has done a great job Supermanning garden tools, now he's going to superman the terrorists." With that, Soulja Boy was promoted to Jeneral Boy, and formally placed in charge of implementing the War on Terror.

"It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it"
- C.I.A. Agent, Calvin Brodus

In his debriefing of the CIA and the Military, Jeneral Boy laid out his blueprint to revive the war on Terror. "If I can make the worst music ever created, and get all of mainstream America to buy into it, I can make our country so unbearable that even terrorists will refuse to visit long enough to bomb us. I will win the war by starting a new one… the war on hip-hop.”

Soulja Boy released Crank That. A train-wreck of an 8 second aimless steel-drum beat underneath a chanting hook and repetitive lyrics that were written by Chief Mongoloid, a Native American Chief with a severe speech impediment. What resulted was 8 seconds of mindless chanting over steel-drums repeated over and over for 4 minutes. The song was completely created and recorded in 11 minutes.

“This song will leave the same mark on music that McDonald’s left on American Cuisine… and health;” said Jeneral Boy.

With that, the government commanded MTV and BET to push Crank That as a hot song. CIA Agent Calvin Brodus said; “This song is so terrible that we were very apprehensive about Operation Crank That. We couldn’t believe that people were actually buying it as a legit song. It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it.”

Operation Crank That has been a rousing success. The song rocketed to #1 on the billboard hit list. White kids everywhere are blasting it out of their parents SUV’s. It is ubiquitous in bars and clubs. The number of Americans who can locate Canada on a globe is currently lower than the number of Americans who know the Superman Dance. There have been zero terrorist attacks in this time span.

“I thought the CD player was broken and it just kept skipping.” Said Lou Diamond Phillips, an actor of absolutely no relevance to this story.

Jeneral Boy has his sights set next on the War in Iraq. He outlined plans to “Supaman Iraqi Culture” by infesting it with his new single. “Once they hear this song, the insurgents will immediately become so stupid that they won’t be able to operate a Rocket-Propelled-Grenade or detonate a bomb. The country will be Terrorist-free by the time I hit #1 over there.”

Unfortunately, without white kids, it looks unlikely that the song will catch on in Iraq.

Jeneral Boy also enlisted the likes of D4L, the Shop Boyz and Dem Franchize Boyz with the aim to flood American Culture with “ATL crunk” hip-hop. A form of noise originating from Atlanta - heavy on chanting and repetition, light on lyrics, and completely devoid of thought or aesthetically pleasing sound. As well as overrunning the airwaves with mind-numbing noise, these groups also plan to completely remove the letter S from the English language.

“Why uze an S when you can just make a grammatical error and look cool?” Asked Young Jeezy (The Snowman). “It’s all about the Z now. We’re bringing back Zorro to fight these Terrorist [expletive]s.

“He’s a brilliant General, but having the word soul in his name was an embarrassment to African-American music in general.” Said the recently deceased Godfather of Soul, James Brown - speaking through his interpreter from the other side: Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Brown also showed that Jeneral Boy has indeed won the war on Hip-hop by confirming that Rap is in fact dead, and was murdered by Fergie when she joined the Black Eyed Peas and ruined the group.

Keebler Elves Die as Tree Ignites California Wildfires

-covert meth-lab brings bitter ending for cookie bakers.

By: Aimin' for failure

Investigators have determined the source of the California wildfire; it appears that the origin of the fire was an explosion in the world-famous home of the Keebler Elves, who died in the fire. The cookie makers had converted their world famous tree-kitchen into a meth-lab, and had been secretly producing, distributing, and consuming crystal-meth.

The Keebler Elves have been a longtime resident inside of a tree in the Los Padres National Forest. For years they made cookies inside their tree-house with their signature cauldron-boiled fudge.

In the late 90’s, the Atkin's Diet backlash against carbohydrates hit the cookie industry hard. With production at an all-time low, the Elves fell upon hard times and resorted to prostitution – Pedophiles pay extra for creatures even smaller than children. Police believe this is subsequent to when Ernie Elf started abusing narcotics including crack and black-tar heroin.

After the other elves began using crack, they easily converted the tree-kitchen into a meth-lab at some point circa 2002. They used cookie packages to export Meth, and imported Columbian Cocaine with cocoa bean shipments. The operation ran so smoothly that the Elves were turning huge profits and partying with Lindsay Lohan.

The Elves long used subliminal advertising in their products. E.L. Fudge cookies actually say ELF in all capital letters on the package. When they began manufacturing crank, they labeled it MidgETH.

"I can’t believe it. They seemed so nice and quiet" said next oak-tree neighbor, X the Owl from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. "I guess I should have suspected something after Ernie chased his girlfriend Smirfette into the front yard and fractured her clavicle with a rolling-pin."

Smoky the Bear is especially livid for letting this happen under his watch. “I didn’t know they were [expletive] meth-heads, I believed Ernie when he told me his teeth were turning yellow and falling out because of all the sugar, and now look at my [expletive] forest.”

In 2004 Ernie was arrested outside of a posh L.A. night-club following a fight with TV star Alf. Ernie’s close friend Gary Coleman disclosed the real details to the Truthbrush.

“I was with him. He was blown out of his mind. They were introduced, and he thought Alf said his name was Elf, and was mocking him. He hit him over the head with a beer bottle, but it didn’t break because Alf is covered in hair. The cops broke up the fight and put him in Jail.”

Pirates Attack North Korean Freighter

Seriously... look at this.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Last week a North Korean freighter, the Dong Lo, sailing in the waters Northeast of Africa was overtaken by a Pirate ship. The Pirate Ship: the Sea Word, sponsored by Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, is captained by Rufio – best known as Peter Pan’s sidekick from the movie Hook.

The Sea Word fired upon the Dong with strikingly phallic deck-cannons as it pulled along side the freighter. After disabling the communication systems, Rufio and the pirates swung onto the Dong’s Poop Deck armed with swords, wooden pistols, and bad attitudes. A handful of sailors were murdered, many thrown overboard into shark-infested waters, some even without the decency of a plank. After an abbreviated struggle, the pirates conquered the Dong and held the crew captive.

Using morse code, the Sea Word transmitted a statement after the hostile takeover of the Dong; the code read,"Rufio, Rufio, Ru-Fi-Oooooooh."

The North Korean Government is furious over the incident. Kim Jong Il stated; “That freighter was carrying grass clippings, what do they think I’m going to feed my country now… steaks?”

The ships crew is manned by hundreds of authentic swashbuckling pirates, most notably, Medium Wilbur Silver: the brother of Long John Silver. Wilbur, jealous of his brother, unsuccessfully attempted to rival his brother in the fast-seafood business when he opened Medium Wilbur's Peanut-Butter and Jellyfish. Also jealous of Long John's success in the undergarment industry, Wilbur invented the fishnet stockings.

In keeping with the times, the Sea Word has also employed at least a dozen fat, sweaty cyber pirates. They are dropouts from M.I.T. who have been on the run from the law after illegally pirating upwards of 10,000 songs from the internet. The nerds are used to hack into radar, navigation and communication systems… and the grease from their faces comes in very handy for the ship’s cook.

The US Navy has teamed up on a joint task force with the long-time nemesis of Pirates – The FBI. It is widely known that the FBI has hated Pirates for many years. They have gone as far as warning pirates at the beginning of every movie. "Puffy shirts, bandanas, earrings, sailing around on a ship with a bunch of dudes… and people wonder where the term Butt-pirate came from;" Said John Walsh, host of America's Most Wanted on Fox. Fox subsequently suspended him for homophobic remarks.

Recent polls found most Americans don't believe in Pirates, but they are still very prevalent. In the late 20th century, the US Government took their currency off of the Gold Standard in an attempt to make pirates – with their perpetual thirst for gold – obsolete. But the resourceful sea-dwellers adapted by stealing music and movies as their main source of income. This is why the FBI put warnings in movies.

Shotgun Game Turns Deadly for Creator

Man Killed For Breaking Rules

By Jah Banni

(Sunil Karakowski of the Coon Rapids, Minn. CSI Dept. poses next to the car where Sid Jakanoski was shot. Courtesy of TruthBrush)

Coon Rapids, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Sid Jakanoski was a man likely to be remembered for his love of polka, generosity, and competitive personality. It was, after all, his competitive streak that caused him to create the world famous “shotgun” game used to claim the front seat in a car. Unfortunately his penchant for competition led to his ultimate demise.

Jakanoski was killed yesterday outside of Duluth after playing the “shotgun” game with a man carrying a gun of the same name. He was 62. Harvey Mankin, 56, is charged with shooting Jakanoski and would face life in prison if convicted.

Witnesses say the shooting occurred as a direct result of the game itself. According to Missy Hagosloski, who witnessed the killing, Jakanoski was irate that Mankin broke a rule of the game that states, “A person shall only call shotgun when the automobile of choice in plain sight.” Jakanoski, according to Hagosloski, claimed Mankin called “shotgun” from an angle that made actual visual confirmation of the car in question impossible.

“It was a junk call,” said Hagosloski. “That guy [Mankin] couldn’t even see the car. It was around the corner!”

Jakanoski, a Coon Rapids native, began shouting at Mankin that the call was “poo.” As they neared the car, according Hagosloski, Mankin refused to give up the front seat, prompting Jakanoski to push Mankin from behind as he tried to open the door. As Mankin stumbled away from the front passenger side door, he turned wielding a 12 gauge shotgun and fired twice into Jakanoski’s chest.

Police Capt. Sammy Terahawsky, a friend of Jakanoski’s, called it, “… a sad day for shotgunners everywhere.”

“He was a stubborn and competitive man,” said Capt. Terahawsky. “He really took pride in the fact that he created something that became known all over the state, and the world for that matter.”

Jakanoski’s ex-wife, Henrietta Oski, 59, said she was there when he created the game.
“It was 1967, and we were attending St. Cloud State University,” started Oski. “One day four of us were going to the movies and an argument started about who got to sit up front. Sid, being the who he was, refused to give it up without some sort of competition. So later that night, he sat down and created rules about calling the front seat. He loved hunting, so he called the game ‘shotgun’. I just can’t believe he was killed by one.”

Police are awaiting toxicology reports on Mankin, who was known to have a few chardonnays before breakfast, lunch, and dinner, before making a statement. Missy Hagosloski, for one, believes Mankin should have to play the shotgun game with a grizzly bear as punishment.

“He [Mankin] took away the man created a game that entertains the world. We are talking about a hero of competition and fair play,” said Hagosloski. “A bear fight is the only way to go.”

Henrietta Oski chooses to remember Jakanoski as, “… someone who created and lived the American dream.”

Jakanoski is survived by his ex-wife, two and a half kids, a white-washed fence, and a 1992 Chrysler LeBaron.

Breaking News - Geighzing at the Stars

Petty in Nature: Singer Backs Down, Despite Previous Claims

by Jah Banni

(Creepy Tom Petty)

Gainesville, Fla. (TruthBrush) – “You can stand me up at the gates of hell … But I won’t back down.” The words of Tom Petty seem genuine enough. His actions, however, suggest otherwise.

Tom Petty has backed down. The 57-year old native of Gainesville made the decision late last week, after being triple dog dared to visit the very gates he mentions in song. Petty, who originally made the bold statement in 1989 on his album Full Moon Fever, admitted that this was not an easy decision.

“Hey, baby … there ain’t no easy way out,” said Petty.

“You don’t know how it feels,” said Petty. “I’m running
down a dream and I guess it’s wake up time. It’s just gotten to the point where … I’ve had a breakdown. I’m free falling.”

- Tom Petty

In effect the dare was a microcosm of what has caused Petty some discomfort with the statement since he first made it. The pressure of life, it seems got to the Rock and Roll hall of famer.

Petty, says that the “…world that keeps on pushing me around,” has finally won out. He warns, however, that this is not the end.

“You don’t know how it feels,” said Petty. “I’m running down a dream and I guess it’s wake up time. It’s just gotten to the point where … I’ve had a breakdown. I’m free falling.”

“A lot of people say, ‘You got lucky’ and I can’t disagree. But I also tell them ‘Don’t come around here no more,’” Petty continued. “Even the losers that tell me those things know its time to move on. I am not a refugee. I am learning to fly … maybe into the great wide open. Who knows? But there is something in the air.”

And that is, of course, an airplane.

How the Wench Stole Halloween - and Why It's Cool

Girls everywhere giving new meaning to trick or treat.

Holiday SpecialEd-itorial

- yeah I'm a day late F off.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Christmas was scrumptrulescent as a kid; unless you had parents that celebrated Festivus, home schooled you, or made you listen to Raffi's or Wayne Newton's Christmas albums. But then you turned 14, and your parents let you know that Santa wasn't real. This was the beginning of the end.

Instead of buying erasers from Santa's workshop for 8 cents, suddenly you find yourself in the Gap shopping for $60 midget tank tops that you know your sisters will hate anyway. Then you turn 45 and out of the blue your family disallows you from bringing women to X-mas dinner whom you met at a techno dance club on Christmas Eve…suddenly nobody wants ecstasy for a present. Then all the kids refer to you as the "creepy uncle" who lost his leg in a knife fight.

Christmas went downhill with age. Easter was always lame. You have to go to work on July 5th. St. Patrick's Day started off irrelevant before reaching A+ status when you went to college. But there was only one holiday that has been there for you all along… yes. Halloween.

As a kid you would get candy; unless you got toothbrushes from pretentious dentists. Or maybe you were like me and lived by creepy farmers who chased you with pitchforks because grain alcohol makes a 4'6'' Frankenstein a feasible reality. Halloween was great as a kid because candy was everything; but even as you got older you still loved it, just for a different reason. Halloween evolved... it’s like the Mark Wahlberg of Holidays. (In the sense that as a kid, you loved Marky Mark's work with the Funky Bunch, but now you really appreciate his dramatic acting abilities in films like The Departed.)

Halloween is all growed up. Guys love Halloween because it is like a DMV giving us a license to dress like a total idiot and act accordingly. And it gives women free purple-reign to dress with reckless abandon. Like a "Get out of clothes free" card, they can cover themselves half as much as usual, with exactly half as much fear of judgment or scorn from other women. Everybody wins.

However, when describing costumes, some women are overstepping the adjective-boundaries. At some point, girls stopped being nurses, cops, mechanics and subway sandwich artists… and they became hot nurses, sexy cops, slutty mechanics and wanton sandwich artists (O.K. so I made the last one up… maybe I just have a thing for girls wearing hats…and covered in wilted lettuce).

The point is, it is illegal to add your own adjective. The last time I checked, beauty is in the eye of the beholder… so maybe she tells everybody she is a sexy scientist, but maybe that cold sore says she is just a scientist. I had friends in college that went out as "Slutty Mimes," but not only did they talk, they talked a lot… and they weren't promiscuous. This is false advertising. Even though girls are usually correct when adding the generous adjectives, it's still not in the girl’s jurisdiction to make this self-judgment. It is like giving oneself one's own nickname.

At some point girls decided to start wearing costumes equal in size to the ones they wore when they were 8. Women went from dressing as Barbie girls to Call girls. And who am I to stop this revolution, I am only one man. I am not complaining; I am just illustrating the point that the adjectives are unnecessary. Let other people bestow them upon you. If you want me to do it, you can find me at the bars dressed as a Hot Ogre (but which part will be the costume?).

Robble-Robber Implicated in Food Thefts

By Jah Banni

(Artist's Rendering of Hamburglar Hearing)

Urbana, Ill. (TruthBrush) – After more than thirty years of speculation and prosecutor ineptitude, the popular McDonald’s character Hamburglar was arraigned yesterday in an Urbana, Ill. Federal Court on charges of more than 2 million thefts of various hamburgers and fast food side-dishes. Appearing in his traditional cape, hat and mask, the Hamburglar entered his initial plea of not-guilty before Judge Rita Wang.

The thefts occurred over a 34 year period in all 50 states and over 200 countries worldwide. Most of the victims were local restaurant chains who attempted to hone in on the McDonald’s hamburger as a competitor. The breadth of the charges would dictate and automatic quadruple life sentence.

Appearing with the accused to hear the charges was his lawyer, Grimace Attorney at Law, who despite limited experience is confident his client will be cleared of all charges.

“I studied law at McDonalds University, and I have known the Hamburglar for many years,” said Grimace. “Duh. I would bet the color purple on his virtuousness.”

District Attorney David Thomas, however, is decidedly less confident in the Hamburglar’s presumed innocence.

“Here is a man who for thirty-some years has been going from place to place stealing people’s hamburgers and it has finally caught up with him,” said an exuberant Thomas. “I am excited for the day the Hamburglar goes the McSlammer.”

This is not the first time the Hamburglar has been charged with burger theft, but it is the first since 1993 when the charges were thrown out of court after former Mayor McCheese refused to testify on behalf of the prosecution. Rumors swirled he was paid off by Birdie the Early Bird and the Happy Meal Gang. McCheese was widely castigated after the incident, and recently served time for selling heroin while in office, but remains steadfast in his defense of the accused.

“I still think he’s innocent, sure,” said McCheese. “I’ve never doubted Hammy. Not once. And you need not pay me for that.”

Thomas was not the D.A. for the 1993 trial, but started preparing for this trial as far back as 2000, and is prepared to throw everything, including the kitchen sink, at the striped stealer.

“I already have commitments from Wendy, the King, Carl Sr., Harold and Khumar, Chuck Cheese, Popeye, Tim Horton and others who are willing to testify against the Hamburglar,” said Thomas. “I think it is safe to say the world is tired of this man thinking he can get away with stealing.”

The Hamburglar himself released a brief statement before the arraignment began.

“Robble, robble, robble,” he said.

“I think that statement in itself shows the nonchalance with which he operates,” said a perturbed Thomas. “He is arrogant beyond belief to think he could steal hamburgers and get away with it.”

It was that arrogance in itself that finally caught up with the Hamburglar. According to longtime friend Gwyneth Paltrow, authorities contacted her after viewing the Hamburglar’s MySpace page, which proudly showed him eating a hamburger in a bathroom stall at an unnamed restaurant in Taiwan with the phrase “Over 2 Million Served, Biotch” under it.

“He got careless,” said Paltrow. “He thought he was above the law. I’m worried for him.”

Grimace maintains the web-page is satire on his perceived public image.

“It was a joke! A joke. He knows people think he is a thief – hell, its in his name,” said Grimace. “So he decided to make a little play on it. That was a burger he made himself, and staged in a local McDonald’s – with their permission. The 2 Million served is an obvious play on his employer! They are ok with it. I can’t believe this would cause an arrest.”

Web forensic specialists are examining the pictures to determine their origin and validity.

Meanwhile, the Hamburglar is free in $5 million bond.

Athlete Finally Blames God for Loss

After years of receiving sports praise, the finger is finally pointed at God by Rockies

By: Aimin' for Failure

Denver Co -- On Sunday night, the Boston Red-Sox concluded their hasty sweep of the Rockies in the World Series. While numerous Red-Sox players took to the press thanking God for their victory, the Rockies finally did something newsworthy by making sports history with their explanation for the loss. Coach Clint Hurdle and first baseman Todd Helton both allocated blame for their poor performance on the Almighty One; marking the first time an athlete has ever acknowledged God in defeat.

After the loss, Hurdle, the Rockies manager addressed the media; “First off, I’d like to blame God for the loss. We are the only Christian clubhouse in all four major sports, and we clearly prayed harder than Boston. Even so, it is pretty evident that God had an axe to grind and made our pitchers lob meatballs for four straight games.”

Team Captain and first baseman Todd Helton was more abrasive in his accusations; “After all the credit we gave him for winning the NL pennant, where was God for us on that one… Huh? The fact that I had no homeruns and 1 RBI for the series is not my fault, it was God’s.”

Through a hallucination to the TruthBrush, God said; “Soooo sorrrrrrrry, maybe the Rockies are right… maybe I’ve been wasting too much time in Darfur trying to stop ethnic cleansing, genocide, starvation and AIDS. Curt Schilling’s logic is flawless as well; I did take a break from curing world poverty to guide his old, flabby arm in hurling 90mph garbage-fastballs through the strike zone… You’ve gotta be kidding me… If I really cared about baseball do you think the Yankees would have 26 Championships? Besides, Fox starts the games at 9PM… Do they really think I have the time to watch baseball that late?”

Helton was so offended by God’s statement, that he is currently pursuing Scientology.

After almost every major championship, an athlete can be found proclaiming the holiest of allies in victory. If this is true, simple deductive logic will determine that God would also be causing the defeated team’s loss and heartbreak. Under this theory, God clearly hates Philadelphia – which is really not that far-fetched.

It is proven fact that God is inundated with prayers every day from sports fans and players. It is also fact that the numbers spike dramatically during big-games such as playoffs. The 2006 Soccer (Futbol) World Cup holds the record for flooding God’s Holy-mail inbox.

KKK Leader Turns Robes Pink in Washer; is Judged on Appearance

-Kicked out of Klan; forms own hate group against “colored” clothing

by: Aimin' for failure
Special-Ed Itor

Greenville S.C. -- KKK Grand Dragon, Toby Keith Helms, made a critical laundry error last week at his home in suburban South Carolina. A red shirt accidentally turned his uniform bright pink, which was the cause of a large riot when he arrived at his Klan meeting.

Usually his Waughter (common southern slang for wife/daughter combination) does the laundry, but Helms tried unsuccessfully, putting a red Boston Red-Sox shirt in with his hood and robes. On the hot water cycle, the shirt bled and turned his robes a dazzling pink hue. He was immediately expelled from the meeting and the Klan, and subsequently was the subject of a hate crime as he was beaten in the parking lot.

“I was the victim of discrimination based on the color of my sheets. The intolerance was horrifying. I believe it was God telling me to change…” said Helms. “I have seen the light, and it was a very bright white. This is why I formed a fresher, cleaner, and whiter white power group.”

For just $9.99, you can help rid America of all it's problems; a 20 dollar value. And, I'll even thrown in a free freebase spoon"

-Billy Mays

His new hate group – the Clean Clux Clan – which is anti “colored” clothing. “If it weren’t for the red shirt in the washer, none of this would have happened. It was a message from God, telling me to send these colored shirts back to where they came from… China.”

In an interesting development, Helms has enlisted the likes of Billy Mays: the ubiquitous and highly annoying infomercial star – most famous for Oxi-Clean. For almost a decade, Mays has been selling Oxi-Clean in a covert operation to overrun the world with ultra-white clothing.

In a very loud voice, through his ridiculous beard, Mays stated; “All along, I have not been selling mere cleaning products, I have been selling ethnic cleansing products. Soon my products will be so powerful that they will bleach more than clothing. Mwwahaha”

Saturday, at a rally on the steps of the laundromat, Mays and Chamberlain spewed vitriolic rhetoric and propaganda to literally dozens of white-clad supporters.

“We need to rid the country of colored laundry. It is the root of all of our problems. We need to return this country to when it was pure; when everyone wore white…before the Injuns showed up and invaded our country with their brown leather, colorful feathers and vibrant war paint.” He spewed, “Let’s bring our country back to the good’ole times.” [Editorial note – the country did not have plumbing at that time, or electricity, or American Gladiators].

Said housewife Dawn I. Moss; “I’d like to use regular detergent, but Oxi-Clean is so cheap, so powerful… and look how it gets rid of the Jews – uh, I mean stains… look how well it gets rid of these stains.”

New Evidence May Clear First Murderer

By Jah Banni



Garden of Eden -- Forensic scientists presented evidence to The Judge yesterday that may lead to the world’s first murderer being cleared of all charges. Mitchell Seeminn and Fritz Deferens of the German Forensic Institute (GFI), recently completed research which will likely exonerate Cain in the murder of his brother Abel during biblical times.



Testifying before the Grandest of juries, with God himself presiding, Deferens and Semenov teamed up to solve the oldest crime on record. Starting slowly, the pair built towards their climactic moment, eventually implicating another man in the slaying.



“We are prepared, through extensive DNA testing and retesting, to show the jury that Cain was not the murderer of his brother Abel,” started Deferens. “In fact, there was another person at the scene of the crime. This person’s DNA was found there shortly after, but due the shortage of police at the time, nobody could be sure how his DNA got there.”



History books, including the Bible, put the earth’s population at four around the time of Abel’s murder. The brothers were joined on earth only by their parents, original sinners Adam and Eve, although the couple did have more children later on.



“We know that because only four people inhabited the earth at the time,” continued Deferens during the buildup, “that Cain was going to be the one charged. Adam and Eve had alibis, whereas Cain could only claim an accident had occurred. In his sadness and shock, however, Cain could not even muster this defense.”



“But through our research, we know who did it,” Seeminn spewed to the stunned jury of saints. “Scott Bakula!”

(Right) Suspect Scott Bakula

“We all know Mr. Bakula as the star of Quantum Leap,” said Universal District Attorney Pontius Pilate to a courtroom almost comatose from shock. “It looks as though he decided to take advantage of that role and alter the course of history. I look forward to an expedient trial and conviction.”



Pilate, originally from Rome, is well equipped to deal with a high profile trial, having presided over the trial of Jesus and ultimately ordering his crucifixion. He is, however, a little more cautious in his approach this time having suffered for the past 2000 years being known as the man who gave the Savior the death penalty. He was, it should be noted, removed from his post and disbarred immediately after.



“I have learned from my mistakes,” he said in an interview after the trial. “Do you know what it is like to go through life knowing you put God’s son to death? Luckily, God is very forgiving and has allowed me to come back as his lead prosecutor. But I know now to look at all the facts, and in this case, they are pretty clear.”



Bakula, 53, and originally from St. Louis, Mo., will be charged with the murder of the biblical farmer in the next few weeks according to Pilate. His lawyers released a statement yesterday saying, “Mr. Bakula is aware of the impending charges and categorically denies them. He is so confident in his innocence that he will continue to not appear on television in any relevant programming.” He faces life in Hell Prison if convicted. Questions, however, remain.



Deferens and Seeminn, through consultation with Quantum Leap creator Donald Bellisario, were able to ascertain that Bakula used his powers to visit the Garden of Eden in May of 1993, during the show’s fourth season. The trip never appeared on show record because it was done over the Memorial Day weekend when nobody was to have access to the set.



“There was a strangulation,” said Seeminn, “and we were able to trace microscopic hair follicles back to Mr. Bakula. Outside of that, we may have never found out who did this.”



No motive, however, has been found or at least made public, but rumors persist of Bakula’s ongoing cocaine addiction which led him on searches of where throughout history he could produce the plant that is harvested and manufactured into cocaine without anyone noticing him. Prosecutors believe he may have stumbled upon Abel while searching for such a place.





God originally believed Cain had strangled his brother over jealousy of a sacrifice made by Abel being accepted by God, after Cain’s was rebuffed. Cain’s punishment was to become a nomad, which he served until his death.



More on this as details become available.

Paternity Test Results: Darth Vader not BabyDaddy

- "Luke, I am not your biological father"




By: Aimin' for Failure

The Death Star,

A shocking discovery was made yesterday on the Maury Povich show as DNA test results determined that Darth Vader (above) is not the father of Luke Skywalker. In front of a national audience, Lord Vader was vindicated, which then led to an expletive-laden victory dance in the face of a weeping Queen Amidala.

A long, long time ago; in a far, far away place, proper technologies were not available. But now, Vader [currently going by D-Vade] is off the hook for child support. He is hosting an “I’m not a Dad” Party in Scores Gentlemen’s club in Las Vegas on Friday. The guest list includes Kobe Bryant, David Hasselhoff, as well as Harrison Ford and Han Solo (sure to cause an awkward situation).

"I knew she was getting around. I can read peoples' freakin' minds for gods sakes," He told reporters after the show.

As for Amidala, the news is not so bright. Sleaze-bag Povich pretended to care while jamming a camera in her tear-soaked face during the worst moment of her life (coincidentally receiving the highest rating in show history). The news got worse from there; as Povich listed the possible fathers.

Following a night of binge drinking at Mos Eisley Cantina, poor judgment apparently led to a tryst with the homely Figrin D'an: a struggling Kloo-horn player in the house band.

Even worse, the other possible father was Kevin Federline. And Howard K. Stern has already staked an obviously false claim.