|Lewis dancing to a Nelly song we all tried to forget 8 years ago.|
|McNulty, angered at the lack of leads on the Kekua case|
|Lewis dancing to a Nelly song we all tried to forget 8 years ago.|
|McNulty, angered at the lack of leads on the Kekua case|
|Te'oing + Graphic T|
|John Edwards. Circa: Time he was cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. Note his wrist / ring finger.|
The Fashion Police, the homosexual wing of the Police Force, held a presssssss conference yesterday to announce that they will indeed charge Ben Roethlisberger of egregious violations of fashion conduct.
“We are charging Mr. Roethlisberger with crimes in the heat of fashion. The charges are as follows; Possession of an aggressive mullet. One count of douchebaggery: the public display of a graphic T-shirt, and one count of stupidity for literally wearing a shirt with a depiction of Satan to go out and commit sex acts which would be later construed as rape.” Stated Lieutenant Ryan Seacrest.
Two weeks ago, Roethlisberger held his own press conference to declare that he was innocent of rape charges. He did this while sporting an aggressive mullet: slicked back hair accentuated by shaving the side of the head. It is indigenous to Philadelphia, and found commonly amongst the communities of rapists and country musicians (also known as auditory rapists).
The Fashion Police presented statistical evidence which illustrated that while all rapists have mullets, not all mullet-wearers are rapists. But they all definitely fall under the category of creepy. The only exception being a few thousand friendly Canadians who sport mullets to match with their Juxedos (Jean Tuxedo: the combination of jeans and a denim jacket).
Lt. Seacrest stated, “As you can see, all rapists do wear mullets. We have even unsurfaced images of Kobe Bryant around the time of his alleged rape. So while we cannot conclude definitively that Mr. Roethlisberger is a rapist, we can conclusively determine two things from our statistical evidence. 1) He is a creep. 2) He is completely devoid of all style and taste. Pending DNA test results for Canadianism, we will be proceeding with charges on all counts.”
Tom Brady, the only member of both the NFL Players Union and the Fashion Police issued a statement. “As the liaison for the NFL I am disgusted by Ben’s despicable act.”
When asked by The Truthbrush if he was aware that the sexual assault charges were dropped, Brady responded, “I know that you moron. I’m talking about having sex with a woman. That’s gross. Why not just pay a supermodel a ton of money to say that she has sex with you?”
Milledgeville (Ga.) – Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit District Attorney Frederic D. Bright announced to a national audience yesterday that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would not face criminal charges stemming from an incident at a Milledgeville nightclub in early March. In his nearly hour long statement to the press Bright, or O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. has he likes to be called, lamented the length of his own job title while scolding Roethlisberger to, “…grow up.”
Roethlisberger, however, apparently missed the message of O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. Appearing at the Steelers’ South Side facility later in the day, Roethlisberger looked very much like a man disappointed at the lack of charges brought against him and a man very dedicated to proving that he is, indeed, sexual assault material. Or possibly a man with a promising career in the WWE ahead of him as the heir to the Undertaker throne. Or a man who ran away from his barber mid haircut and then accidentally got the rest of his hair stuck in an oil slick. Or a man about to take a late night drive with Tiger Woods after some Ambien and a few bad decisions. Or a man who is about to change into a black and white striped thermal t-shirt, tight black jeans, dye his hair black, paint his finger nails black, put on eye liner and a spiked collar, and then by a new pair of Doc Martins that look really old. One thing is for sure: Roethlisberger is not himself convinced that he did not commit a crime.
“Generally speaking, a person found to have not committed a crime such as sexual assault would not immediately appear at a press conference dressed as a person who has, or would, commit sexual assault,” said legal fashion maven and Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit Assistant District Attorney Manny Hector Martinez (O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M). “By shaving the sides of his head and then pushing the rest of his hair backwards, using a considerable grease source, Ben is saying that he wants to be viewed as a sicko.”
O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M., 43, has seen this proverbial fish before.
“Often times a person of stature who has committed a crime and gets away with it feels a measure of guilt towards the public and will dress subconsciously to fit the crime he or she may have gotten away with,” said O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M. “I was around when Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes burnt down Andre Rison’s house. She only got probation, but she dressed like a dragon for the next 3 months. It was odd.”
Even former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw commented on the situation, allegedly saying, “Look, I know a thing or two about bad hair. I am bald, but yet I have, and have had, hair that goes over the tips of my ears. How does that make sense? I’m learning to not like him.”
O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. said in his statement, “We are not condoning Mr. Roethlisberger's actions that night. But we do not prosecute morals, we prosecute crimes.”
The way the Steelers quarterback presented himself to the public yesterday, it is clear that at least Roethlisberger thinks he committed one.
Or he was thinking about getting a haircut, and then decided midway through doing so that he didn’t want one anymore, so he stopped, but had to run out to get a new graphic t-shirt and didn’t want to look silly with the sides of his head shaved and long locks left on top, and decided it was a good idea to buy a vat of Crisco and go elbows deep in it before sweeping his remaining hair front to back….BUT THEN he remembered that he had recently not been charged for a crime that it sounded like he might have committed so he put on a nice pair of slacks and a golf shirt and asked the public to take him seriously as a leader. Either one.
Corpulent Conservatives Conned into Conditioning
by: Aimin' for Failure
As irate, fat white people marched upon Washington to protest the universal health care bill, President Obama revealed the aim of the bill: to get irate, fat white people to march upon Washington and get some exercise.
In July of 2009, Barack Obama sat down with his most trusted health guru, Dr. Julius T. Pepper, to address the epidemic of surging health care costs. Dr. Pepper revealed the projected list for causes of death in America in the year 2020. Upon noticing that the top two killers will be obesity and stress-related heart failure, a plan was devised by the President.
The president borrowed a tactic that was stumbled upon by the Bush Administration. Results of scientific studies performed by The Electoral College revealed sharp declines in the weight of hippies during the Bush Presidency. It was discovered that the weight loss was the direct result of mass protesting.
Mr. Obama stated, "Look, these people are so chubby, and so furious, that they really need to burn off some steam. By passing a universal health care bill, I knew that I could count on Glen Beck to freak out and scare them into such a frothy anger that they would accidentally work out by stampeding Washington to protest... what’s that? oh, I shouldn’t have used stampede? Sorry... Marching."
“The cost of healthcare is ballooning, and the ballooning of Americans will be the #1 corpulent culprit. We needed to nip this in the bud. We estimate that this marching will proactively save our taxpayers trillions in obesity and stress related care."
No word yet on Rush Limbaugh living up to his promise to leave the country, which projects to save Americans millions on his Oxycodone addiction and subsequent perennial heart attack treatment.
JahBanni - Opinion-budsman
Remember high school? Most of you probably do unless you had severe, uncontrollable drug problems that ripped your life apart by the seams and caused you irreparable damage. If you are one of those people, then this will be news to you. However, the rest of us can recall at least one time when you heard an unsubstantiated rumor become so far fetched and far reaching that people in neighboring schools really believed that you used to collect the wrappers from Klondike bars to ultimately melt them down into their purest silver form in a get rich or fat quick scheme. Maybe. But you can at least appreciate the work that goes into a rumor like that, which was obviously just a rumor because who would really do that?
Now, in present day/physically grown up terms, we must realize that the media is basically spreading a similar type of rumor on a global scale. For the record, I believe that “media” is in actuality a gigantic duckbilled platypus that wears Keds which have little lights in the heel, and presides over a board of directors of the major media conglomerates from an oversized bean bag chair in the hollowed out back of a Ford Econoline just outside of Boca Raton, Fla. That is just my rationalization as to why a group of people charged with keeping the general public informed on current events have completely lost touch with reality and promoted the swine flu with such fervor. That can be the only reason that otherwise intelligent people would possibly be so dumb. Platypus law.
A quick look at the facts tells us that swine flu comes from pigs and is easily controlled with treatment. A quick look at the news and you would think that 84% of the people on earth are infected and the 16% who remain unaffected are in danger of airborne infection. The reports of the first death in the United States from swine flu was in actuality a young Mexican boy who had come across the border seeking treatment, albeit too late. However, that fact was lost on the headline writers who proclaimed it as the first confirmed US death from swine flu.
In general, the media seems less interested in actually reporting the facts and more interested in creating hysteria. Hysteria leads to panic, panic leads to more provocative interviews, and such interviews lead to ratings. Ratings lead to advertising dollars and those dollars lead to fleet purchases of Ford Econolines. The platypus is devious and wise.
Platypus Media Translation regarding the swine flu: Swine flu, in fact, was developed by terrorists who hate babies and church. Its effects can be felt on the moon by space people, known as speople. These speople are owned and operated by gigantic corporations who only want to put mom and pop shops out of business and look to create monopolies that take advantage of the masses. These corporations have been working with the terrorists in an effort to carry out their plan. And it’s working. In platypus terms, the flu starts by attacking your feet and completely removing them from your body. It then gives you horrible diarrhea of the ear, and your elbows spontaneously combust. At this point you have only minutes to live. In those minutes you are attacked by a bear, get a migraine, and actually vomit up your clavicle. It is a fearsome disease that cannot be stopped. Ever.
Don’t let the facts get in the way, oh great platypus. Just keep feeding the beast. I’m getting another Klondike.
Egypt, Egypt (AP) – When David defeated Goliath during a battle between the Philistines and the Israelites, the biblical writer Samuel likely was struck by how miraculous a victory had been won by the future King of Israel. A relatively unknown soldier, David was smallish in comparison to Goliath, who stood either 6’7 or 9’6 depending on the account. His win over the Philistine became fodder for every underdog movie since, and eventually led to his being crowned King of Israel. In his new book, however, Moses claims that David used performance enhancing drugs during his training leading up to the battle. The yet to be released book, entitled “Biblical Bull: The New Test…osterone,” details this and other accounts of possible steroid use during religion’s early years.
“I feel this is the right time to come out with this information,” said Moses, at least 2009 years old at the time of this writing. “Given the stormy weather experienced by this generation’s baseball stars, I think the time is right to shed some light on a darker side…well maybe just a slightly darker side of religion. Given that every war seems to be fought in its name, you can’t really call this the ‘dark’ side.”
In the book, Moses alleges that David was warned by Saul weeks in advance of his impending battle with the giant, or just tall, Philistine warrior. Saul, who apparently only knew David through his cousin Yitzhak, the local butcher, had wagered heavily on the Israelites in the upcoming war and was prepared to do whatever it took to win the bet. Moses claims Saul contacted Greg Andersonberg, a local Bethlehem trainer and Dominican cousin of David, to provide the young soldier with HGH.
“David knew what was going on, but kept telling friends that his rapid weight gain was from a gefilte fish diet and lots of pushups,” says Moses, from his Hollywood Hills home. “He was in denial. He just wanted to win so badly, he was willing to sell his soul to the … well I won’t go that far, but he made a decision that he would be very ashamed of if he was still alive.”
David died in 970 BC, over 2,900 years ago, but he did win. Scientists estimate the speed of the rock he hurled into Goliath’s forehead to be somewhere around 217 mph. The force with which he beheaded the giant, or average sized basketball player, is estimated to have been enough to cut directly to the core of the earth.
Moses claims that steroid testing was not a typical practice at the time, so its use may have been more widespread than even He knows. Moses and God have not spoken in 50 years, since Moses first approached Him about the idea of a tell all.
“God wasn’t too excited about the idea, but if we’re all about telling the truth, then let’s tell it, you know? I mean this is confession on a global scale,” said Moses. “I did His bidding for a long time to help get Christianity to where he wanted it to be, and I was a bit hurt that he wasn’t behind me when it came time for me to get mines.”
With God refusing to give his blessing, Moses turned to every single publishing executive on Earth. Everyone of them offered immediately.
“The deal came together pretty quickly. Honestly, I changed a commandment just to make it happen, but I got this sick house and a Maybach in the car-port.”
In his book, Moses also admits to his own steroid use.
“I parted the Red Sea. Do you realize how ripped out of your mind you have to be to do that? Yes, I took HGH, testosterone, horse tranquilizers, tyrannosaurus-rex hormones, diuretics, the rub, the clear, the slightly off colored clear rub, and adamantium enhancers. Have you ever attempted to hold off billions of gallons of water on either side of you?”
This rampant steroid use doesn’t surprise the ironically named atheist leader Christian Curran.
“Some of the crazy things talked about in the bible and other religious texts are pretty obviously either farcical or only completed with use of PED’s. No wonder Moses and God no longer talk,” said Curran.
The true reason may not be known, but Moses has hinted that God may have been on PED’s when he rained fire and brimstone on the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorra.
“I’m not ready to say that. But read between the biblical verse,” said Moses.
The Vatican has already reacted, quickly forming a task force in conjunction with the U.N. to unmask all previous PED users in religious history. Leaders from most of the world’s religions have already been called to testify, and the star witness, Moses himself (no relation to Raab), is scheduled to testify next Wednesday.
“I didn’t mean for this to create such a firestorm,” said Moses, sipping a Mojito. “I was really just looking to come clean to the billions of people who follow religion. Also, I will be boxing Willie Ames, the guy who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge, next week in Burbank.”
"...not only are we adding more money to America, we're actually going to be subtracting some Americans"