Thursday, January 17, 2013

Ray Lewis Suspected in Lennay Kekua’s Death

Lewis dancing to a Nelly song we all tried to forget 8 years ago.

By Eamon Conway

Truthbrush -- Baltimore, MD

Ray Lewis was served a subpoena by Baltimore Detective Jimmy McNulty regarding the non-death of Manti Teo’s non-girlfriend Lennay Kekua. 

McNulty, talking to reporters outside of the Ravens practice facility, where Lewis was served the papers, stated, “What we know is that Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend is not alive. But we also know that she never existed. So, using the transitive property, we don’t know that she’s not dead.”

“What we don’t believe, is that Ray Lewis never killed anyone. That is for damn sure. So the possibility exists that Lewis’ two stabbing victims, Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar, could have gone on to father Manti Te’o's non-existent girlfriend. We can’t disprove this.”

McNulty, angered at the lack of leads on the Kekua case

Lewis, in a press release, immediately blamed it on his friends, true to his style,
again hoping to plead out to non-obstruction on non-justice.

Lewis, is noted for his skills on the gridiron, but is most known for his choreography and dancing abilities. His trademark dance resembles what happens when you get done taking a piss every once in a while, and get a chill up your spine... but you're also on meth. 

Lewis is a Preacher and a father of six children by four women.

(again) Lewis is a Preacher and a father of six children by four women.

Fresh off of being duped by Lance Armstrong, America unites to troll Manti Te’o for being duped.

Te'oing + Graphic T

By Eamon Conway

South Bend - IN -- TruthBrush

He was duped. He believed outrageous things that some simple common sense would have debunked. His name is Phil Knight, CEO and founder of Nike. He invested over $40 Million between Lance Armstrong’s sponsorship and funding of Livestrong. Reached for comment, Knight said, “Is this Te'o kid for real? What a dumbass.”  

Americans, still sporting the tan lines from their recently scissored Livestrong bracelets, flocked to social media on Wednesday to mock Manti Te’o, Notre Dame linebacker, and naïve, horny, virgin Mormon, for being gullible.

Over 80 million Livestrong bands were sold. Sold to an American public who placed its national defense in the hands of General Petraeus, celebrated Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds as they chased home run records, made the WWE into an entertainment industry, and have donated billions to televangelists. 

An American public who took to social media, en masse. In all 6 great jokes were written, each one by Rob Delaney, drowned out by 118 million attempts by a society of hacks and mouth breathers.

An American public who believed that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and almost voted this man into the Vice Presidency.

John Edwards. Circa: Time he was cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. Note his wrist / ring finger.

Reached for comment, John Edwards said. “The funniest thing is the irony of all the videos they find of him talking about how in love he was. It makes him even more stupid in retrospect.”

The TruthBrush reached Father John Misty, a reverend at Notre Dame. “Manti is a trusting kid. Look, he’s a Mormon, he believes in Magic Underwear, and that Jesus Christ spent time in Utah. You can’t be shocked that he’d be susceptible to being scammed. Ha. What does he think, Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean? Absurd! By the way, any donations to the Catholic Church are always welcome.”

Stephen A. Smith from ESPN, the only news outlet less credible than Deadspin, was reached for comment.

“Look. Everybody hates Notre Dame, they think they’re better than us. What, with their graduation standards, and mediocre football. So, what the hell? Turns out this isn’t a scandal, but a 22-year-old's public embarrassment. What's wrong with exploiting that?"

Copyright - E. Conway / D. Mcradden

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Fashion Police Proceeding with Charges Against Roethlisberger

By Eamon Conway (f.k.a. Aimin' for Failure)

Pittsburgh, PA (Truthbrush) -Ben Roethlisberger has made a living of evading the arms of pass-rushers on the field. He also managed to scarcely avoid the firm grasps of prison inmates by not leaving enough DNA on a 20-year-old college student’s leg. But it appears that he will not escape the reach-around by the long, shorn, well-tanned arms of the Fashion Police.

The Fashion Police, the homosexual wing of the Police Force, held a presssssss conference yesterday to announce that they will indeed charge Ben Roethlisberger of egregious violations of fashion conduct.

“We are charging Mr. Roethlisberger with crimes in the heat of fashion. The charges are as follows; Possession of an aggressive mullet. One count of douchebaggery: the public display of a graphic T-shirt, and one count of stupidity for literally wearing a shirt with a depiction of Satan to go out and commit sex acts which would be later construed as rape.” Stated Lieutenant Ryan Seacrest.

Two weeks ago, Roethlisberger held his own press conference to declare that he was innocent of rape charges. He did this while sporting an aggressive mullet: slicked back hair accentuated by shaving the side of the head. It is indigenous to Philadelphia, and found commonly amongst the communities of rapists and country musicians (also known as auditory rapists).

The Fashion Police presented statistical evidence which illustrated that while all rapists have mullets, not all mullet-wearers are rapists. But they all definitely fall under the category of creepy. The only exception being a few thousand friendly Canadians who sport mullets to match with their Juxedos (Jean Tuxedo: the combination of jeans and a denim jacket).

Lt. Seacrest stated, “As you can see, all rapists do wear mullets. We have even unsurfaced images of Kobe Bryant around the time of his alleged rape. So while we cannot conclude definitively that Mr. Roethlisberger is a rapist, we can conclusively determine two things from our statistical evidence. 1) He is a creep. 2) He is completely devoid of all style and taste. Pending DNA test results for Canadianism, we will be proceeding with charges on all counts.”

Tom Brady, the only member of both the NFL Players Union and the Fashion Police issued a statement. “As the liaison for the NFL I am disgusted by Ben’s despicable act.”

When asked by The Truthbrush if he was aware that the sexual assault charges were dropped, Brady responded, “I know that you moron. I’m talking about having sex with a woman. That’s gross. Why not just pay a supermodel a ton of money to say that she has sex with you?”

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Report: Sex Addiction “Rampant, Rising” Among Rabbits

(Rehabbing Rabbit, TruthBrush)


Biloxi, Miss. (TruthBrush) - Tiger Woods can claim to be many things these days; the best golfer on the planet, one of the most famous and infamous people on earth, and unfailingly awkward in almost all public situations. Now, however, he can also claim to be a possible savior to rabbits and their relationships.

By shedding new and unfortunately serious light on “sex addiction” Tiger has allowed male bunnies world-wide to claim the “condition” as the reason for their almost constant sexual activity. Peter Cottontail, founder and Chairman of the Career Advancement for Rabbits ‘Round Our Town, or CARROT, says that Woods has unknowingly saved millions of rabbit relationships over the past month.

“Everyone knows that rabbits have a major problem with infidelity,” says Cottontail. “Now we know why – it’s an addiction. Early numbers show rabbit divorce numbers down from 95% to 65% in just the past 30 days.”

Human beings tend to look at sex addiction as a hilarious excuse used by embarrassed men caught in compromising situations, but rabbits look at the treatable “affliction” as a God-send, says the CARROT founder.

“There is a reason a statement has been constructed at the expense of rabbits and our affinity for sexual relations,” said Cottontail. “’****ing like bunnies’ is a lifestyle that we generally cannot control. This terrible disease will allow us to continue to move forward.”

An independent study funded by loose cannon and known philanderer Roger Rabbit shows that approximately 100% of rabbits are addicted to sex. This is substantially higher than the 98.4% of human males that are also addicted to sex. Just last year, an independent study denied the existence of “sex addiction” entirely. Rabbit, however, says it was folly to so quickly dismiss it as a viable disease.

“Just ask my wife (Jessica Rabbit). We were estranged for almost 3 years because I was with just about everybody. And everything. I couldn’t control myself,” said Rabbit, 39. “I was like Russell Brand’s character in that Sarah Marshall movie, except worse. People, animals, chairs, doors, food items … I couldn’t stop. Tiger Woods, too…”

“I’m serious. I have 20-30,000 kids. Most of them are bunnies. But not all of them. Dakota Fanning? She’s mine,” continued Rabbit.

Jessica Rabbit declined to comment, but a source close to the situation says that she is incredulous that Roger would go to such lengths to rationalize his actions. They are, however, trying to work things out.

“It’s all I want, besides ludicrous amounts of sex,” says Roger. “Aside from wanting to hump everything that moves, all I really want is a great marriage.”

Cottontail hopes that with more education on the addiction rabbits will be able to live happy, monogamous lives. He does, however, have his doubts that this is possible. One of his most oft cited examples is the Easter Bunny.

“Insatiable appetite for casual sexual encounters,” says Cottontail. “And he’s cocky about it too. He doesn’t cover his tracks – in fact he leaves his footprints and a gift basket of candy when he’s done. The shame of it, he’s a real nice guy for the most part. But he doesn’t stop. I don’t know that recognizing his problem and learning about it will sufficiently stop him from chasing tail.”

CARROT, says Cottontail, will help rabbits in need of rehab.

“We’ll do our best,” says Cottontail. “We are going to prove that every time a person looks out their window, they don’t have to see a rabbit and its partner making a mess of the shrubbery. And we can all thank Tiger Woods for being a generally gross human being. I mean, we’re bunnies. He should know better. But we’re glad he brought this ‘disease’ to the public.”

Somewhere, David Duchovny is jealous of both Tiger and rabbits.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Found: Jesus…But Where?


Nairobi (TruthBrush) – Every day millions of thousands of people attempt to resurrect their currently lackluster lives by looking for Jesus. Many, who come to this point through jail, rehab, happenstance, circumstance, and even book clubs or gazebo building classes, are able to find him. Tragically, some of those who look are unable to find the son of God, whom they so desperately need to help them make better decisions they would be otherwise unable to make through techniques such as ... making better decisions.

A new study, however, could help those in need of Jesus’ services find him more easily. The Center for Researchable Research in Manhattan, Kansas, spoke with 2,500 “found” Christians to understand how they came about finding their Lord and savior. According to the CRR, the results were staggering.

“Over 94% of the participants in our study found Jesus in the same spot,” says Kenneth Kenderson, spokesperson for the CRR. “Under the bed.”

One of the participants in the study agreed to speak with the TruthBrush under the condition of anonymity.

“I was in a pretty bad way. I was eating way too much chocolate, staying up really late, and trying to kidnap all the cats I could,” said Paul Maxenheimer, 23. Maxenheimer, of 1254 Lakeshore Drive in Topeka, had his request for anonymity noted, but ultimately ignored completely. “One day, I thought I saw a cat go under my bed – so I dropped to my knees and looked … and there he was. Jesus.”

What happened next, says Maxenheimer, took him by surprise.

“I said, ‘Jesus! I found you!’ And he said, ‘Ooooohhh goooooood for youuuuuu, Paul. I was sleeping.’ It was very odd to hear him speak that way,” says Maxenheimer.

Ken Kenderson says this is typical of the way that many people come to find Him. In the footnotes of the study, the CRR notes that many of these “findings” are in truth people stumbling upon Jesus as he rests.

“In terms of the bed thing, He is the most looked for being in the history of the universe,” says Kenderson. “It is not out of the realm of possibility that he just needs to kind of take it easy every so often. I mean if you held the answers to all things, and people were constantly trying to find you, wouldn’t you want to just get away?”

Representatives for Jesus declined comment, but Tim Tebow decided to anyways.

“Jesus just needs to rest sometimes. He told me one time while I was the best player of all time in the history of sports that under the bed is a great place for him to hide because it is so cliché that most people wouldn’t really look for him there,” said Tebow, a projected NFL draft pick this coming week. “I guess now he is going to have to find other places to rest.”

Kenderson believes the study will actually help the Son of God as it will temporarily throw his followers off his trail.

“In terms of us releasing this study, we recognize that Jesus needs rest and in giving up his current hiding spot, it should trick the gullible public into immediately checking under the bed. Now Jesus will have a chance to find a new place to be found – like in a closet or a Lady Gaga song.”

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Big Ben Behind Bars? Only in His Dreams

(Ben....dertaker, TruthBrush)


Milledgeville (Ga.) – Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit District Attorney Frederic D. Bright announced to a national audience yesterday that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would not face criminal charges stemming from an incident at a Milledgeville nightclub in early March. In his nearly hour long statement to the press Bright, or O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. has he likes to be called, lamented the length of his own job title while scolding Roethlisberger to, “…grow up.”

Roethlisberger, however, apparently missed the message of O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. Appearing at the Steelers’ South Side facility later in the day, Roethlisberger looked very much like a man disappointed at the lack of charges brought against him and a man very dedicated to proving that he is, indeed, sexual assault material. Or possibly a man with a promising career in the WWE ahead of him as the heir to the Undertaker throne. Or a man who ran away from his barber mid haircut and then accidentally got the rest of his hair stuck in an oil slick. Or a man about to take a late night drive with Tiger Woods after some Ambien and a few bad decisions. Or a man who is about to change into a black and white striped thermal t-shirt, tight black jeans, dye his hair black, paint his finger nails black, put on eye liner and a spiked collar, and then by a new pair of Doc Martins that look really old. One thing is for sure: Roethlisberger is not himself convinced that he did not commit a crime.

“Generally speaking, a person found to have not committed a crime such as sexual assault would not immediately appear at a press conference dressed as a person who has, or would, commit sexual assault,” said legal fashion maven and Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit Assistant District Attorney Manny Hector Martinez (O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M). “By shaving the sides of his head and then pushing the rest of his hair backwards, using a considerable grease source, Ben is saying that he wants to be viewed as a sicko.”

O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M., 43, has seen this proverbial fish before.

“Often times a person of stature who has committed a crime and gets away with it feels a measure of guilt towards the public and will dress subconsciously to fit the crime he or she may have gotten away with,” said O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M. “I was around when Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes burnt down Andre Rison’s house. She only got probation, but she dressed like a dragon for the next 3 months. It was odd.”

Even former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw commented on the situation, allegedly saying, “Look, I know a thing or two about bad hair. I am bald, but yet I have, and have had, hair that goes over the tips of my ears. How does that make sense? I’m learning to not like him.”

O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. said in his statement, “We are not condoning Mr. Roethlisberger's actions that night. But we do not prosecute morals, we prosecute crimes.”

The way the Steelers quarterback presented himself to the public yesterday, it is clear that at least Roethlisberger thinks he committed one.

Or he was thinking about getting a haircut, and then decided midway through doing so that he didn’t want one anymore, so he stopped, but had to run out to get a new graphic t-shirt and didn’t want to look silly with the sides of his head shaved and long locks left on top, and decided it was a good idea to buy a vat of Crisco and go elbows deep in it before sweeping his remaining hair front to back….BUT THEN he remembered that he had recently not been charged for a crime that it sounded like he might have committed so he put on a nice pair of slacks and a golf shirt and asked the public to take him seriously as a leader. Either one.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Tickle Me...Biden? Government Worried Over New Epidemic


Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned from public office the first week in March amid speculation that he groped and tickled unsuspecting male staff members. At that time, much was made of his indiscretions as well as his substantially less than air tight reasoning for his resignation. In a period of three short days Massa blamed his health, the Democratic Party’s vendetta against him, and his own “salty language” for his resignation, ultimately causing many to wonder if he suffered short term memory loss or had decided to hire a “Jersey Shore” cast member as his PR rep. At the same time, however, many members of the government were worrying about a far more pressing consequence of the accusations made against Massa: the growing epidemic of man tickling in our governing bodies.

“Eric Massa is NOT the only person we know of that has engaged in gratuitous tickling of other men within the United States government,” said Fletcher Pearson, Special Advisor to the Special Advisor to the President. “And if we are not careful, this could get out of hand.”

Pearson is monitoring tickling situations all over the U.S., and even the world, at low levels of government looking to head off a potential public backlash. He estimates that 10 to 15 Senators have been warned just this month regarding their fast hands on male staff members.

“These Senators are a happy-go-lucky group,” says Pearson. “When they randomly start grabbing the sides of their male staffers and licking the sides of their faces, to them it is a show of camaraderie that they learned to do in the Navy where nobody could possibly be gay. You know? But that doesn’t mean public perception will see it that way.”

Congress and the Senate are where most of the accusations have occurred so far, but that could be changing quickly. Even the highest corners of the government are not immune to the rumors of man on man tickling. The internet is abuzz amid speculation that Vice President Joe Biden’s not so subtle use of an obscenity to President Obama last week was in fact a follow up to a conversation about tickling, and not the landmark Healthcare Bill. That would be a big f-cking deal.

“I can’t say much, but it had nothing to do with the bill,” said a White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous. “Apparently Biden caught wind of an accusation against him from one of (Nancy) Pelosi’s people saying that Biden had ‘goosed’ him on his way out of the West Wing’s Mexican Cantina.”

Neither Biden nor his representatives would comment for this story, but the White House could be under fire from more than just overly angry Conservatives in the near future. Pearson fears that this could be a full blown epidemic if it is not put to rest soon.

“We are really seeing a large increase in the number of tickle and groping related accusations. It could spread like wildfire if we don’t do something. It could, if we are not careful, bring down the government. And possibly the world.”

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Healthcare Bill Returning Quick Results: Fat, Angry White Protestors Burning Calories at Record Rates

Corpulent Conservatives Conned into Conditioning

by: Aimin' for Failure

As irate, fat white people marched upon Washington to protest the universal health care bill, President Obama revealed the aim of the bill: to get irate, fat white people to march upon Washington and get some exercise.

In July of 2009, Barack Obama sat down with his most trusted health guru, Dr. Julius T. Pepper, to address the epidemic of surging health care costs. Dr. Pepper revealed the projected list for causes of death in America in the year 2020. Upon noticing that the top two killers will be obesity and stress-related heart failure, a plan was devised by the President.

“We did about 2 to 7 seconds of intense research to determine that exercise is the cure for both of these pandemics. However, it turns out that the only way to get Americans to exercise is by chasing them or casting them on The Biggest Loser. Well, we don’t have enough money to offer everyone a million to jump on a nordic track; and we couldn’t find anybody to chase the fat people... because ‘running’ was in the job description. The only remaining motivator was anger.” said the president.

The president borrowed a tactic that was stumbled upon by the Bush Administration. Results of scientific studies performed by The Electoral College revealed sharp declines in the weight of hippies during the Bush Presidency. It was discovered that the weight loss was the direct result of mass protesting.

Mr. Obama stated, "Look, these people are so chubby, and so furious, that they really need to burn off some steam. By passing a universal health care bill, I knew that I could count on Glen Beck to freak out and scare them into such a frothy anger that they would accidentally work out by stampeding Washington to protest... what’s that? oh, I shouldn’t have used stampede? Sorry... Marching."

“The cost of healthcare is ballooning, and the ballooning of Americans will be the #1 corpulent culprit. We needed to nip this in the bud. We estimate that this marching will proactively save our taxpayers trillions in obesity and stress related care."

No word yet on Rush Limbaugh living up to his promise to leave the country, which projects to save Americans millions on his Oxycodone addiction and subsequent perennial heart attack treatment.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Media Watch: (S)whine Flu

Above: The Media (Photo Courtesy of the Zoo Productions)

JahBanni - Opinion-budsman

Remember high school? Most of you probably do unless you had severe, uncontrollable drug problems that ripped your life apart by the seams and caused you irreparable damage. If you are one of those people, then this will be news to you. However, the rest of us can recall at least one time when you heard an unsubstantiated rumor become so far fetched and far reaching that people in neighboring schools really believed that you used to collect the wrappers from Klondike bars to ultimately melt them down into their purest silver form in a get rich or fat quick scheme. Maybe. But you can at least appreciate the work that goes into a rumor like that, which was obviously just a rumor because who would really do that?

Now, in present day/physically grown up terms, we must realize that the media is basically spreading a similar type of rumor on a global scale. For the record, I believe that “media” is in actuality a gigantic duckbilled platypus that wears Keds which have little lights in the heel, and presides over a board of directors of the major media conglomerates from an oversized bean bag chair in the hollowed out back of a Ford Econoline just outside of Boca Raton, Fla. That is just my rationalization as to why a group of people charged with keeping the general public informed on current events have completely lost touch with reality and promoted the swine flu with such fervor. That can be the only reason that otherwise intelligent people would possibly be so dumb. Platypus law.

A quick look at the facts tells us that swine flu comes from pigs and is easily controlled with treatment. A quick look at the news and you would think that 84% of the people on earth are infected and the 16% who remain unaffected are in danger of airborne infection. The reports of the first death in the United States from swine flu was in actuality a young Mexican boy who had come across the border seeking treatment, albeit too late. However, that fact was lost on the headline writers who proclaimed it as the first confirmed US death from swine flu.

In general, the media seems less interested in actually reporting the facts and more interested in creating hysteria. Hysteria leads to panic, panic leads to more provocative interviews, and such interviews lead to ratings. Ratings lead to advertising dollars and those dollars lead to fleet purchases of Ford Econolines. The platypus is devious and wise.

Platypus Media Translation regarding the swine flu: Swine flu, in fact, was developed by terrorists who hate babies and church. Its effects can be felt on the moon by space people, known as speople. These speople are owned and operated by gigantic corporations who only want to put mom and pop shops out of business and look to create monopolies that take advantage of the masses. These corporations have been working with the terrorists in an effort to carry out their plan. And it’s working. In platypus terms, the flu starts by attacking your feet and completely removing them from your body. It then gives you horrible diarrhea of the ear, and your elbows spontaneously combust. At this point you have only minutes to live. In those minutes you are attacked by a bear, get a migraine, and actually vomit up your clavicle. It is a fearsome disease that cannot be stopped. Ever.

Don’t let the facts get in the way, oh great platypus. Just keep feeding the beast. I’m getting another Klondike.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Report: Evidence of Steroid Use Among Biblical Elite

(David, pre-battle. Courtesy of Moses Inc., BC)

Egypt, Egypt (AP) – When David defeated Goliath during a battle between the Philistines and the Israelites, the biblical writer Samuel likely was struck by how miraculous a victory had been won by the future King of Israel. A relatively unknown soldier, David was smallish in comparison to Goliath, who stood either 6’7 or 9’6 depending on the account. His win over the Philistine became fodder for every underdog movie since, and eventually led to his being crowned King of Israel. In his new book, however, Moses claims that David used performance enhancing drugs during his training leading up to the battle. The yet to be released book, entitled “Biblical Bull: The New Test…osterone,” details this and other accounts of possible steroid use during religion’s early years.

“I feel this is the right time to come out with this information,” said Moses, at least 2009 years old at the time of this writing. “Given the stormy weather experienced by this generation’s baseball stars, I think the time is right to shed some light on a darker side…well maybe just a slightly darker side of religion. Given that every war seems to be fought in its name, you can’t really call this the ‘dark’ side.”

In the book, Moses alleges that David was warned by Saul weeks in advance of his impending battle with the giant, or just tall, Philistine warrior. Saul, who apparently only knew David through his cousin Yitzhak, the local butcher, had wagered heavily on the Israelites in the upcoming war and was prepared to do whatever it took to win the bet. Moses claims Saul contacted Greg Andersonberg, a local Bethlehem trainer and Dominican cousin of David, to provide the young soldier with HGH.

“David knew what was going on, but kept telling friends that his rapid weight gain was from a gefilte fish diet and lots of pushups,” says Moses, from his Hollywood Hills home. “He was in denial. He just wanted to win so badly, he was willing to sell his soul to the … well I won’t go that far, but he made a decision that he would be very ashamed of if he was still alive.”

David died in 970 BC, over 2,900 years ago, but he did win. Scientists estimate the speed of the rock he hurled into Goliath’s forehead to be somewhere around 217 mph. The force with which he beheaded the giant, or average sized basketball player, is estimated to have been enough to cut directly to the core of the earth.

Moses claims that steroid testing was not a typical practice at the time, so its use may have been more widespread than even He knows. Moses and God have not spoken in 50 years, since Moses first approached Him about the idea of a tell all.

“God wasn’t too excited about the idea, but if we’re all about telling the truth, then let’s tell it, you know? I mean this is confession on a global scale,” said Moses. “I did His bidding for a long time to help get Christianity to where he wanted it to be, and I was a bit hurt that he wasn’t behind me when it came time for me to get mines.”

With God refusing to give his blessing, Moses turned to every single publishing executive on Earth. Everyone of them offered immediately.

“The deal came together pretty quickly. Honestly, I changed a commandment just to make it happen, but I got this sick house and a Maybach in the car-port.”

In his book, Moses also admits to his own steroid use.

“I parted the Red Sea. Do you realize how ripped out of your mind you have to be to do that? Yes, I took HGH, testosterone, horse tranquilizers, tyrannosaurus-rex hormones, diuretics, the rub, the clear, the slightly off colored clear rub, and adamantium enhancers. Have you ever attempted to hold off billions of gallons of water on either side of you?”

This rampant steroid use doesn’t surprise the ironically named atheist leader Christian Curran.
“Some of the crazy things talked about in the bible and other religious texts are pretty obviously either farcical or only completed with use of PED’s. No wonder Moses and God no longer talk,” said Curran.

The true reason may not be known, but Moses has hinted that God may have been on PED’s when he rained fire and brimstone on the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorra.

“I’m not ready to say that. But read between the biblical verse,” said Moses.

The Vatican has already reacted, quickly forming a task force in conjunction with the U.N. to unmask all previous PED users in religious history. Leaders from most of the world’s religions have already been called to testify, and the star witness, Moses himself (no relation to Raab), is scheduled to testify next Wednesday.

“I didn’t mean for this to create such a firestorm,” said Moses, sipping a Mojito. “I was really just looking to come clean to the billions of people who follow religion. Also, I will be boxing Willie Ames, the guy who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge, next week in Burbank.”

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wal-Mart Announces Bailout of U.S. Economy

Company will open doors Sunday AM and allow stampeding crowds to fight over currency, will also cut jobs in highly controversial manner

by Aimin' for Failure

Washington, D.C. -- (TruthBrush) Wal-Mart Stores Inc (WMT- Fortune 500) announced a capital infusion into the besieged U.S. Economy on Wednesday. In an unprecedented measure, the retail giant will become an actual shareholder in the United States.

In a press conference in front of the White House Press Corp, CEO Michael T. Duke issued some plans for the bailout. It appears that the company will be applying its tried and tested business model; “Wal-Mart will close stores down on Friday night at 11 PM. This will allow large throngs of people to gather outside of stores and fight for the cash once the doors open at 7 AM Saturday.” The statement was greeted with an immediate hysteria.

“As we move into the business of Government for the first time, we seek to integrate our business practices into our new industry… and quite frankly, nothing is more American than people literally killing each other for underpriced consumer goods.” Duke announced.

It appears that the recession has also taken a toll on the retail giant, and Duke also announced the company’s ultra-controversial plan to cut-back jobs. Rather than facing large costs of paying unemployment to laid-off “associates” (White-trash for “not-associates”), the company will – quite literally – downsize by attrition.

“We estimate that somewhere between 3,000 and 4,500 employees will be killed by stampeding capitalists on Saturday morning. We estimate that a large percentage of the deaths will be ‘Greeters.’ As this position is largely dominated by the elderly, this will save Wal-Mart countless millions of dollars in retirement and pension costs,” Duke announced. The plan is very controversial on the heels of a Long Island employee’s death on Black Friday.

Duke did not stop there; “On top of the 4,500 employees, our analysts estimate that somewhere around 7,513 shoppers will actually be killed by other bailout seekers that day; be it by stampede or bludgeoning by blunt objects, such as the Chrome Floor Lamp: on sale for $12.95! Saturday Only!!”

“Wal Mart is a bottom-line corporation. We get things done. Recessions mean that there are too many people and not enough money. Well, not only are we adding more money to America, we’re actually going to be subtracting some Americans.”

“James Carville likes to describe Government as a cut-throat business… but we actually prefer to just crush people”.

Wal-Mart has long established a system of success by selling bulk-purchased merchandise at a loss in order to run mom-and-pop community businesses bankrupt; at which point they raise prices to attain profits. The company plans to apply the same strategy in the Government market by offering products and currency at a cut rate. This will drive up inflation and devalue the actual American Dollar, forcing the U.S Treasury into foreclosure.

"...not only are we adding more money to America, we're actually going to be subtracting some Americans"

“We plan to put the Treasury Reserves and U.S. Mint out of business. Once the Dollar is devalued, we can start our own currency - The WalMark, at which point we will begin can start buying foreign countries,” said Duke.

Citizens hoping for action had better prepare to be disappointed, as the bailout includes Wal-Mart controlling partial interests in the F.B.I. and S.E.C.