Palin Drops the Gloves, Vice Presidential Ball
Kitchener, Ontario – Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin may have taken a penalty yesterday that will cost her party far greater than another team’s goal on the ensuing power play. This potential penalty could cost the Palin and her running mate, Sen. John McCain, residence in the White House and could possibly land Palin herself in the big house. Palin allegedly assaulted Joe Sixpack in the parking lot of a local ice rink yesterday, in the culmination of a youth hockey event gone terribly wrong for the Governor of Alaska.
The incident occurred after Willow Palin’s hockey team was eliminated in the third round of a youth tournament being held at Kitchener’s Basementer Ice Arena. As it often does with hockey parents, a borderline dirty play in the third period raised tensions throughout the arena with multiple parents heard screaming infidelities at their counterparts.
“Your hair,” bellowed Mitchell Michelle of Saskatoon, “is EVERYWHERE.”
The game itself finished without incident, but Palin was clearly incensed. Witnesses say Palin was seen removing jewelry as the buzzer sounded and even broke off her French Canadian manicured nails. Sixpack, 25-50, of Everywhere U.S.A., Alaska, began walking his daughter Ivanna to the concession stand to get her a Gatorade and himself a namesake, according to close friend Mewelde Middleclass, 34 of Every Middleclass Neighborhood in Amurrica, Alaska. Sixpack and Palin had never exchanged words, according to sources, but Palin apparently could not control her incredible rage.
“Darn it Joe, now dontcha make me do theeeis in front of the keeids,” Palin was overheard saying. “I’m gonna healfta lose my mind on you Joe. You wanna go?”
Sixpack, a former hockey player himself who recently has fallen on hard times due to the price of food, gas, and beer and a lack of change, was not willing to meet the VP candidate’s challenge.
“It’s not the right time,” slurred Sixpack. “Next face-off, next face-off.”
Palin, however, was undeterred. As Sixpack attempted to skate to his car, Palin approached him from behind, and gave him a face wash. Sixpack turned to face his assailant as Palin circled shaking her mittens in an attempt to goad the father of 3 into a scrap. Sixpack bluffed, faking the dropping of his car keys, but that was all Palin needed. Her mittens hit the pavement, and her fists hit their targets, Sixpack’s face.
A spirited bout ensued with Palin holding the early edge thanks to a few quick shots on the stunned Sixpack. Sixpack recovered when he was able to grab hold of Palin’s hockey mom jersey and get it halfway over her head, landing two rights of his own. Palin eventually finished the bout as she wiggled out of the jersey and freed herself from the constricting Vice Presidential elbow pad to land a series of vicious rights, leaving Sixpack turtled on the pavement next to his mini-van.
Scotty Bowman, in attendance due to his love of youth women’s hockey, saw the exchange as a cowardly act on the part of Palin.
“It was a cheap fight. No honor,” said Bowman, currently in an advisory role with the Detroit Red Wings/Green Party. “It was an attack, not a fight – similar to Marty McSorley and Todd Bertuzzi. Palin had one thing on her mind the whole time she was on the black ice – revenge. Most dogs don’t know now to use a canoe.”
His curious last comment aside, Bowman believes Palin will pay a steep price when her sentence is handed down.
“Oh, for sure, yeah,” said Bowman. “For sure.”
When reached for comment, Sixpack said, “There is just no place for that in hockey parenting. If I was Eric Everyman from Dayton Ohio, would she treat me like that? No. But because I’m Joe Sixpack, from Alaska, and a hockey dad, she feels its within her rights as a Vice Presidential candidate to drop the mittens and throw when I’m not interested in returning the favor. It’s not over. Our daughters play another 3 times this season, and I won’t go out of my way, but put it this way - I’ll know where she is on the black ice after the game.”
Palin, for her part, was seemingly apologetic when reached for comment.
“One thing that Americans do at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves just every day American people, Joe Sixpack, hockey moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say never again.”
When asked if that meant hanging up her mom-skates, Palin was unclear in her answer. “You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, ‘How are you feeling about the economy?’”
She later denied, however, being at fault in the attack instead placing blame on Sixpack family friends, allegedly Larry and Lorraine Lender, for instigating the brawl by running the goalie in 8th grade.
“Darn right it was the predator lenders,” scorched Palin.
Kitchener Mounted Police Chief, Artie Aboatman, said charges have been filed, though he declined to confirm the rumor that Palin was facing instigating charges as well.
Palin is due in a Kitchener Court Roomer later this year.