Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Holy Phobia Batman!

Caped Crusader Caves, Changes HQ

Batman at his new HQ (TruthBrush)
By Jah Banni

Gotham City (TruthBrush) – Bruce Wayne is a confident man. Confident enough to run a multi-billion dollar organization in a fictional city. Confident enough to pretend that everyone in his fictional hometown doesn’t realize that he is also Batman. On Monday, however, Wayne was confident in something much less soothing to his sizable ego: taphophobia.

According to a random online medical dictionary, taphophobia is defined as a morbid fear of being buried alive. Due to complications from this social disorder, Wayne announced yesterday that he was moving Batman’s headquarters to an office park on the outskirts of Gotham.

“I cannot tell you the exact address – I don’t want my considerable list of enemies knowing exactly where I operate from,” said Wayne, dressed now as Batman. “But I can assure you that my commute will not affect my ability to fight crime in this great city. I may be able to take the subway sometimes, and other times Gotham’s great cab drivers may be needed as well. The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it? But this should be a really great move for us.”

To be clear, Wayne Enterprises is staying put at its current location. Only Batman’s secret hideout is moving to an undisclosed location just north of the city in an office park pictured above.

“I don’t mind the picture, there is really no way my gigantic list of enemies could ever deduce my whereabouts with just this picture as evidence,” said Batman. “They would need to know that I’m now on Keaton St. and other information like that, which I’m not willing to give them.”

Dr. Richard Kimball, Batman’s PCP, says the phobia from which Batman suffers is extremely crippling.

“Look, the man worked out of a cave,” said Kimball. “The fear of being buried alive would be almost impossible to overcome in that case. Now that he is at the undisclosed location on Keaton St., he should have no such fears. It is really a nice space.”

"The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it?"

- Batman


Rychard Gasparsciullo, the CBRE sales associate in charge of the office park, says Batman got an excellent deal.

“He really got a pretty good deal. It’s definitely a step up from his cave. I can’t think of anyone who would say otherwise. He has a nice car, and so do I, so it is a pretty good deal for everyone.”

Wayne’s butler and longtime confidant, Alfred Pennyworth, said he is disappointed by the move, but worries what would have become of Wayne/Batman had they remained in the cave.

“He was really becoming quite skittish,” said Pennyworth. “A friend tried to get him to join the Scientology movement, but he said no. But he did drink a lot. Drunk Batman did not equal cool Batman. He cried a lot.”

Robin, Batman’s sidekick and boy wonder, is happy for him but doesn’t expect to move his own secret hideout.

“I’m really excited for him,” said Robin. “But this male strip club has always been my home, and I’m not ready to make such a move. And nobody has found me yet, so why move when you love the place you’re in?”

James Gordon, Gotham City’s Commissioner, is also happy for his longtime friend and ally.

“Bruce, er, Batman is a dear friend of mine personally and of the city we live in. He deserves that palace of an office park on Keaton St. just past the McDonalds on the left,” said Gordon. “I just hope people don’t go looking for him. That wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone. But I don’t think they could find him anyways.”

Today, Wayne says, he is more confident than yesterday.

“I am very confident. Very much so. Look, yesterday I was scared that my house was going to cave in on me,” says Wayne, smelling of gin and not wearing any boots. “Today, I know that if I want McDonalds, and I’m in the office I can just run over and get it. I know that if someone in town is in trouble, our public transportation systems will get me there in plenty of time at a low cost to save the day. And I know my office won’t attack me.”

Gotham City, should be so confident.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Study Shows Pregnancy More Common in Women

Maybe the mama? (Photo courtesy of Rambo)

By Jah Banni

Rochester, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Freida Dirte, a lead OBGYN at the Mayo Clinic, claims new research emphatically shows pregnancy to be unlikely to occur in men. According to her study, women are the leading cause of birth in the United States.

“In most instances, we have found that men who appear pregnant are, in fact, not,” said Dirte, 37. “More often than not, they are just overweight or hiding a bulbous object in their bodies.”

Statistics released show that 98.4% of all babies in the United States are born by women, .7% born by the Spears family, .5% by surrogates outside the U.S., .3% by wives of Tom Cruise, and the rest by men. Manbirths, as they are commonly known, are very uncommon in urban areas and tend to be exclusive to areas such as Idaho and Idaho.

“We know that Scientology, Tom Cruise, and babies are synonymous. We know the same about Britney and Jamie Lynn. But after those two, Manbirths are the most common form of childbirth outside of women,” said Dirte. “But it is important for the general public to realize, this is very real, but not every man that looks pregnant is, in fact, with child.”

How, though, will we know when a man is pregnant or when he is a drug runner hired by a Columbian transvestite to undergo surgery to insert drugs, money, and a November issue of Popular Mechanics magazine for smuggling purposes? How will we know when a man is with child or just enjoys circular objects in his gut? To help educate America about its pregnant males, Dr. Dirte created the following chart detailing the differences.

Still, laypeople are still confused by the phenomenon. Marcel Ricot, a French Canadian in the U.S. to teach hockey to infants, could not tell the difference.

“It makes little, eh eh eh, how you say, sents? Sents? Sense. It makes no sense,” said Ricot, of Montreal. “They all look weird.”

More confusing yet, even to OBGYN’s, is how men get pregnant in the first place. Various studies are currently underway, but Dr. Dirte warns not to expect an answer too soon.

“It is going to be a very long road before we really figure this out,” said Dirte, “but as of now our only lead is that Tom Cruise is the father of all manbirthed children we have studied. That is not to say this will hold true from here on out, but its hard not to think that way.”

According to Dr. Dirte, men who become pregnant feel the same side affects as their female counterparts including increased appetite, mood swings, and the need to take naked photos.

“If you know a man who may be pregnant, please contact the Mayo Clinic. It is a very traumatic experience and we have a team on hand to handle it, which is why they’re on hand,” said Dirte.