Friday, February 20, 2009

Wal-Mart Announces Bailout of U.S. Economy

Company will open doors Sunday AM and allow stampeding crowds to fight over currency, will also cut jobs in highly controversial manner

by Aimin' for Failure

Washington, D.C. -- (TruthBrush) Wal-Mart Stores Inc (WMT- Fortune 500) announced a capital infusion into the besieged U.S. Economy on Wednesday. In an unprecedented measure, the retail giant will become an actual shareholder in the United States.

In a press conference in front of the White House Press Corp, CEO Michael T. Duke issued some plans for the bailout. It appears that the company will be applying its tried and tested business model; “Wal-Mart will close stores down on Friday night at 11 PM. This will allow large throngs of people to gather outside of stores and fight for the cash once the doors open at 7 AM Saturday.” The statement was greeted with an immediate hysteria.

“As we move into the business of Government for the first time, we seek to integrate our business practices into our new industry… and quite frankly, nothing is more American than people literally killing each other for underpriced consumer goods.” Duke announced.

It appears that the recession has also taken a toll on the retail giant, and Duke also announced the company’s ultra-controversial plan to cut-back jobs. Rather than facing large costs of paying unemployment to laid-off “associates” (White-trash for “not-associates”), the company will – quite literally – downsize by attrition.

“We estimate that somewhere between 3,000 and 4,500 employees will be killed by stampeding capitalists on Saturday morning. We estimate that a large percentage of the deaths will be ‘Greeters.’ As this position is largely dominated by the elderly, this will save Wal-Mart countless millions of dollars in retirement and pension costs,” Duke announced. The plan is very controversial on the heels of a Long Island employee’s death on Black Friday.

Duke did not stop there; “On top of the 4,500 employees, our analysts estimate that somewhere around 7,513 shoppers will actually be killed by other bailout seekers that day; be it by stampede or bludgeoning by blunt objects, such as the Chrome Floor Lamp: on sale for $12.95! Saturday Only!!”

“Wal Mart is a bottom-line corporation. We get things done. Recessions mean that there are too many people and not enough money. Well, not only are we adding more money to America, we’re actually going to be subtracting some Americans.”

“James Carville likes to describe Government as a cut-throat business… but we actually prefer to just crush people”.

Wal-Mart has long established a system of success by selling bulk-purchased merchandise at a loss in order to run mom-and-pop community businesses bankrupt; at which point they raise prices to attain profits. The company plans to apply the same strategy in the Government market by offering products and currency at a cut rate. This will drive up inflation and devalue the actual American Dollar, forcing the U.S Treasury into foreclosure.

"...not only are we adding more money to America, we're actually going to be subtracting some Americans"

“We plan to put the Treasury Reserves and U.S. Mint out of business. Once the Dollar is devalued, we can start our own currency - The WalMark, at which point we will begin can start buying foreign countries,” said Duke.

Citizens hoping for action had better prepare to be disappointed, as the bailout includes Wal-Mart controlling partial interests in the F.B.I. and S.E.C.