Thursday, November 6, 2008

Election Over: Joe the Plumber back to unclogging shit

Joe the Plumber Back to Pre-Election role: Joe the Really, Really Dumb Guy.

by Aimin' for Failure

Toledo, Ohio (Truthbrush) - - Now that the election is over, it appears that the illustrious political career of Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher has come to an end. Unfortunately, the harsh realities are settling in, and good old Joe has to resume his previous persona: an obnoxiously stupid person.

Joe the plumber conspicuously emerged as an “undecided voter” who forced his way up to now-President Obama and asked him tough questions. Curiously, he was cited 406 times in the subsequent debate by Senator McCain. More curiously, he began making appearances for McCain all over the country. Most curiously, many people actually didn’t connect the dots that he was a giant marketing ploy and campaign tool.

Unfortunately, Joe quickly showed why plumbers shouldn’t test their hand in a Presidential Race. While speaking on McCain’s behalf at a Town Hall which started resembling a Klan Meeting; an audience member said: “Joe, I think that a vote for Obama means a vote for the death of Israel.” To which, the uncouth Plumber responded… “I’m going to have to go aheand and agree with you on that one.”

Here is the clip, he even gets torched by Fox News. This interview illustrated why Triangle Tech Alumni are better at running dishwasher hoses than Countries.

Historians quickly concluded that this was the most ill-advised statement in the history of American Politics since Abraham Lincoln concluded the Gettysburg Address with “Hey Gettysburg, who wants to see my [expletive]?”

Now, I’m probably going to sound a little bit arrogant or condescending, or even disparaging towards the plumbing profession. So let me preface it by going on the record saying Joe the Plumber is a human just like you and I… except he is a Plumber.

Immediately upon potty training, I immediately identified plumbing as something that I would use every breath to avoid. The fear of pulling peoples pubes out of drain-clogs consumed my life. Almost every waking moment was spent meticulously working to avoid the plumbing profession. If there are any young readers out there with the same fears; I will now map out the course.

List of things that I did to avoid turning out like Joe the Plumber.

  1. Reading.

The reason Wurzelbacher got into the plumbing profession is because of his long history of being attracted to shiny objects. When he realized that he could use shiny Channel-lock Pliers to tighten galvanized steel and copper pipes, he was sold. This fixation held true when McCain asked Joe if his campaign could exploit him. Joe could not resist when he saw the shiny bald head of the Republican Candidate.

He was meant to be a hard working American whom many Amurricans could identify with. The only problem was that it was difficult for people like me to believe that such a diligent worker could miss about 25 consecutive days of work to go to rallies and say stupid things.

Things Go from Bad to Worse for Joe:

Joe returned to Ohio today to learn that his clients had been taken by “Super” Mario and Luigi Mario. It added insult to injury for Joe. Residents of his town were pissed when their pipes were clogging and their plumber was nowhere to be found.

“I took a giant smash at a Halloween party, I tried to call Joe’s plumbing, but he was in North Carolina making people dumber. I had no choice, I found new plumbers in the yellow pages.” Said N. Emma Felcher of Toledo, Ohio. “It was really embarrassing, because everybody at the party had to use the 7-Eleven down the street.”

Joe immediately has taken to the media to tell people how Barack Obama has ruined his life. “I told you people that Barack would steal my job; and now look: immigrants took it. Now I have no money, and these Spaghetti-benders are running around taking my business. Greasy Dagos.”

Super Mario Plumbing declined comment as to their current Visa status.

“Have you ever been to Toledo?” asked Toledo Mayor Richard Blumpkin. “I don’t care if they are illegal immigrants; we need as many plumbers as possible.”

Even worse for Wurzelbacher: He has already been forgotten as America’s most famous surnameless individual. This morning, Barack Obama made a brief appearance at a train station before boarding Thomas the Tank Engine, and Popeye the Sailorman deployed for his third tour of duty in the Persian Gulf.

NAMBLA Outs Superstars, Hopes to Hit Mainstream

(At right, Todd Marrish's Econoline, courtesy of The TruthBrush)


Topeka, Kan. (TruthBrush) - The North American Man Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA as it is uncommonly referred to, is looking to go big time. The creepy weirdos released a statement yesterday promoting a new album full of songs by celebrities who purportedly are part of the association’s supposedly wide-ranging membership. The release and upcoming album are part of a new public relations push looking for universal acceptance of statutory relationships between yucky old men and unsuspecting young versions.

Todd Marrish, head weirdo of NAMBLA, held a press conference yesterday in the back of a windowless van in the alley of a candy shop just outside of Topeka, Kansas. Marrish, a balding man with a long brown and flowing braided tail, tinted yellow glasses, and a disheveled mustache, says despite any claims to the contrary the celebrities included on the album are in fact members of NAMBLA.

“It is time we come clean,” said the 39 year-old Marrish inside the 1987 Ford Econoline from which NAMBLA operates. “We have tens of members and we want to be accepted. Out of all our members, many are celebrities with great musical talents, and we want that to be known.”

NAMBLA’s debut album, entitled “Maybe YOU’RE Crazy: Artists for Acceptance” is set to feature songs from famous artists such as Gary Glitter, Pete Townshend of The Who, and most notably the King of Pop himself – Michael Jackson.

All three of the artists have denied any involvement with the project and claim any of the songs used on the compilation were previous works not intended for use as part of a NAMBLA publicity campaign. All three, however, have in the past been linked to inappropriate contact with children, while only Jackson has been accused of carousing with young boys.

“Gary has not recorded music in years,” said Sarah Sequin, 14, his wife and advisor. “He is unequivocally not part of this association.”

Lawyers for Townshend have been equally as forthcoming with their denials. “Pete wrote songs such as ‘My Generation’ and albums such as ‘Tommy’ for The Who. He never recorded the song on the album. It’s fact,” wrote Thomas Thompson, Townshend’s lawyer.

Michael Jackson actually went public to defend himself. Earlier this morning, appearing in the mirror of a London hotel, Jackson claimed the song on the album IS in fact performed by him, but was intended as a public service address for parenting. “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me,” was a re-make of the classic Elton John song (, intended to help parents see signs of dangerous behavior by their children.

“I never intended for this song to fall into the hands of a disgusting group like NAMBLA,” said Jackson. “I am actually a member, but this song shouldn’t be on the album.”

Marrish doesn’t buy the claims, and will continue his plan to release the album.

“I’m saddened to hear these denials by three of our most honorable members,” said Marrish. “But it does not weaken our resolve to become part of mainstream America.”

Marrish, who offered Spree, Nerds, Kit-Kat’s and other candies to those who entered the van for the press conference, expects the album to be released shortly after he serves his upcoming 3 month sentence on weird and socially and morally disgusting behavior charges.