Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Robble-Robber Implicated in Food Thefts

By Jah Banni

(Artist's Rendering of Hamburglar Hearing)

Urbana, Ill. (TruthBrush) – After more than thirty years of speculation and prosecutor ineptitude, the popular McDonald’s character Hamburglar was arraigned yesterday in an Urbana, Ill. Federal Court on charges of more than 2 million thefts of various hamburgers and fast food side-dishes. Appearing in his traditional cape, hat and mask, the Hamburglar entered his initial plea of not-guilty before Judge Rita Wang.

The thefts occurred over a 34 year period in all 50 states and over 200 countries worldwide. Most of the victims were local restaurant chains who attempted to hone in on the McDonald’s hamburger as a competitor. The breadth of the charges would dictate and automatic quadruple life sentence.

Appearing with the accused to hear the charges was his lawyer, Grimace Attorney at Law, who despite limited experience is confident his client will be cleared of all charges.

“I studied law at McDonalds University, and I have known the Hamburglar for many years,” said Grimace. “Duh. I would bet the color purple on his virtuousness.”

District Attorney David Thomas, however, is decidedly less confident in the Hamburglar’s presumed innocence.

“Here is a man who for thirty-some years has been going from place to place stealing people’s hamburgers and it has finally caught up with him,” said an exuberant Thomas. “I am excited for the day the Hamburglar goes the McSlammer.”

This is not the first time the Hamburglar has been charged with burger theft, but it is the first since 1993 when the charges were thrown out of court after former Mayor McCheese refused to testify on behalf of the prosecution. Rumors swirled he was paid off by Birdie the Early Bird and the Happy Meal Gang. McCheese was widely castigated after the incident, and recently served time for selling heroin while in office, but remains steadfast in his defense of the accused.

“I still think he’s innocent, sure,” said McCheese. “I’ve never doubted Hammy. Not once. And you need not pay me for that.”

Thomas was not the D.A. for the 1993 trial, but started preparing for this trial as far back as 2000, and is prepared to throw everything, including the kitchen sink, at the striped stealer.

“I already have commitments from Wendy, the King, Carl Sr., Harold and Khumar, Chuck Cheese, Popeye, Tim Horton and others who are willing to testify against the Hamburglar,” said Thomas. “I think it is safe to say the world is tired of this man thinking he can get away with stealing.”

The Hamburglar himself released a brief statement before the arraignment began.

“Robble, robble, robble,” he said.

“I think that statement in itself shows the nonchalance with which he operates,” said a perturbed Thomas. “He is arrogant beyond belief to think he could steal hamburgers and get away with it.”

It was that arrogance in itself that finally caught up with the Hamburglar. According to longtime friend Gwyneth Paltrow, authorities contacted her after viewing the Hamburglar’s MySpace page, which proudly showed him eating a hamburger in a bathroom stall at an unnamed restaurant in Taiwan with the phrase “Over 2 Million Served, Biotch” under it.

“He got careless,” said Paltrow. “He thought he was above the law. I’m worried for him.”

Grimace maintains the web-page is satire on his perceived public image.

“It was a joke! A joke. He knows people think he is a thief – hell, its in his name,” said Grimace. “So he decided to make a little play on it. That was a burger he made himself, and staged in a local McDonald’s – with their permission. The 2 Million served is an obvious play on his employer! They are ok with it. I can’t believe this would cause an arrest.”

Web forensic specialists are examining the pictures to determine their origin and validity.

Meanwhile, the Hamburglar is free in $5 million bond.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Athlete Finally Blames God for Loss

After years of receiving sports praise, the finger is finally pointed at God by Rockies

By: Aimin' for Failure

Denver Co -- On Sunday night, the Boston Red-Sox concluded their hasty sweep of the Rockies in the World Series. While numerous Red-Sox players took to the press thanking God for their victory, the Rockies finally did something newsworthy by making sports history with their explanation for the loss. Coach Clint Hurdle and first baseman Todd Helton both allocated blame for their poor performance on the Almighty One; marking the first time an athlete has ever acknowledged God in defeat.

After the loss, Hurdle, the Rockies manager addressed the media; “First off, I’d like to blame God for the loss. We are the only Christian clubhouse in all four major sports, and we clearly prayed harder than Boston. Even so, it is pretty evident that God had an axe to grind and made our pitchers lob meatballs for four straight games.”

Team Captain and first baseman Todd Helton was more abrasive in his accusations; “After all the credit we gave him for winning the NL pennant, where was God for us on that one… Huh? The fact that I had no homeruns and 1 RBI for the series is not my fault, it was God’s.”

Through a hallucination to the TruthBrush, God said; “Soooo sorrrrrrrry, maybe the Rockies are right… maybe I’ve been wasting too much time in Darfur trying to stop ethnic cleansing, genocide, starvation and AIDS. Curt Schilling’s logic is flawless as well; I did take a break from curing world poverty to guide his old, flabby arm in hurling 90mph garbage-fastballs through the strike zone… You’ve gotta be kidding me… If I really cared about baseball do you think the Yankees would have 26 Championships? Besides, Fox starts the games at 9PM… Do they really think I have the time to watch baseball that late?”

Helton was so offended by God’s statement, that he is currently pursuing Scientology.

After almost every major championship, an athlete can be found proclaiming the holiest of allies in victory. If this is true, simple deductive logic will determine that God would also be causing the defeated team’s loss and heartbreak. Under this theory, God clearly hates Philadelphia – which is really not that far-fetched.

It is proven fact that God is inundated with prayers every day from sports fans and players. It is also fact that the numbers spike dramatically during big-games such as playoffs. The 2006 Soccer (Futbol) World Cup holds the record for flooding God’s Holy-mail inbox.

Friday, October 26, 2007

KKK Leader Turns Robes Pink in Washer; is Judged on Appearance

-Kicked out of Klan; forms own hate group against “colored” clothing

by: Aimin' for failure
Special-Ed Itor

Greenville S.C. -- KKK Grand Dragon, Toby Keith Helms, made a critical laundry error last week at his home in suburban South Carolina. A red shirt accidentally turned his uniform bright pink, which was the cause of a large riot when he arrived at his Klan meeting.

Usually his Waughter (common southern slang for wife/daughter combination) does the laundry, but Helms tried unsuccessfully, putting a red Boston Red-Sox shirt in with his hood and robes. On the hot water cycle, the shirt bled and turned his robes a dazzling pink hue. He was immediately expelled from the meeting and the Klan, and subsequently was the subject of a hate crime as he was beaten in the parking lot.

“I was the victim of discrimination based on the color of my sheets. The intolerance was horrifying. I believe it was God telling me to change…” said Helms. “I have seen the light, and it was a very bright white. This is why I formed a fresher, cleaner, and whiter white power group.”

For just $9.99, you can help rid America of all it's problems; a 20 dollar value. And, I'll even thrown in a free freebase spoon"

-Billy Mays

His new hate group – the Clean Clux Clan – which is anti “colored” clothing. “If it weren’t for the red shirt in the washer, none of this would have happened. It was a message from God, telling me to send these colored shirts back to where they came from… China.”

In an interesting development, Helms has enlisted the likes of Billy Mays: the ubiquitous and highly annoying infomercial star – most famous for Oxi-Clean. For almost a decade, Mays has been selling Oxi-Clean in a covert operation to overrun the world with ultra-white clothing.

In a very loud voice, through his ridiculous beard, Mays stated; “All along, I have not been selling mere cleaning products, I have been selling ethnic cleansing products. Soon my products will be so powerful that they will bleach more than clothing. Mwwahaha”

Saturday, at a rally on the steps of the laundromat, Mays and Chamberlain spewed vitriolic rhetoric and propaganda to literally dozens of white-clad supporters.

“We need to rid the country of colored laundry. It is the root of all of our problems. We need to return this country to when it was pure; when everyone wore white…before the Injuns showed up and invaded our country with their brown leather, colorful feathers and vibrant war paint.” He spewed, “Let’s bring our country back to the good’ole times.” [Editorial note – the country did not have plumbing at that time, or electricity, or American Gladiators].

Said housewife Dawn I. Moss; “I’d like to use regular detergent, but Oxi-Clean is so cheap, so powerful… and look how it gets rid of the Jews – uh, I mean stains… look how well it gets rid of these stains.”

New Evidence May Clear First Murderer

By Jah Banni

Garden of Eden -- Forensic scientists presented evidence to The Judge yesterday that may lead to the world’s first murderer being cleared of all charges. Mitchell Seeminn and Fritz Deferens of the German Forensic Institute (GFI), recently completed research which will likely exonerate Cain in the murder of his brother Abel during biblical times.

Testifying before the Grandest of juries, with God himself presiding, Deferens and Semenov teamed up to solve the oldest crime on record. Starting slowly, the pair built towards their climactic moment, eventually implicating another man in the slaying.

“We are prepared, through extensive DNA testing and retesting, to show the jury that Cain was not the murderer of his brother Abel,” started Deferens. “In fact, there was another person at the scene of the crime. This person’s DNA was found there shortly after, but due the shortage of police at the time, nobody could be sure how his DNA got there.”

History books, including the Bible, put the earth’s population at four around the time of Abel’s murder. The brothers were joined on earth only by their parents, original sinners Adam and Eve, although the couple did have more children later on.

“We know that because only four people inhabited the earth at the time,” continued Deferens during the buildup, “that Cain was going to be the one charged. Adam and Eve had alibis, whereas Cain could only claim an accident had occurred. In his sadness and shock, however, Cain could not even muster this defense.”

“But through our research, we know who did it,” Seeminn spewed to the stunned jury of saints. “Scott Bakula!”

(Right) Suspect Scott Bakula

“We all know Mr. Bakula as the star of Quantum Leap,” said Universal District Attorney Pontius Pilate to a courtroom almost comatose from shock. “It looks as though he decided to take advantage of that role and alter the course of history. I look forward to an expedient trial and conviction.”

Pilate, originally from Rome, is well equipped to deal with a high profile trial, having presided over the trial of Jesus and ultimately ordering his crucifixion. He is, however, a little more cautious in his approach this time having suffered for the past 2000 years being known as the man who gave the Savior the death penalty. He was, it should be noted, removed from his post and disbarred immediately after.

“I have learned from my mistakes,” he said in an interview after the trial. “Do you know what it is like to go through life knowing you put God’s son to death? Luckily, God is very forgiving and has allowed me to come back as his lead prosecutor. But I know now to look at all the facts, and in this case, they are pretty clear.”

Bakula, 53, and originally from St. Louis, Mo., will be charged with the murder of the biblical farmer in the next few weeks according to Pilate. His lawyers released a statement yesterday saying, “Mr. Bakula is aware of the impending charges and categorically denies them. He is so confident in his innocence that he will continue to not appear on television in any relevant programming.” He faces life in Hell Prison if convicted. Questions, however, remain.

Deferens and Seeminn, through consultation with Quantum Leap creator Donald Bellisario, were able to ascertain that Bakula used his powers to visit the Garden of Eden in May of 1993, during the show’s fourth season. The trip never appeared on show record because it was done over the Memorial Day weekend when nobody was to have access to the set.

“There was a strangulation,” said Seeminn, “and we were able to trace microscopic hair follicles back to Mr. Bakula. Outside of that, we may have never found out who did this.”

No motive, however, has been found or at least made public, but rumors persist of Bakula’s ongoing cocaine addiction which led him on searches of where throughout history he could produce the plant that is harvested and manufactured into cocaine without anyone noticing him. Prosecutors believe he may have stumbled upon Abel while searching for such a place.

God originally believed Cain had strangled his brother over jealousy of a sacrifice made by Abel being accepted by God, after Cain’s was rebuffed. Cain’s punishment was to become a nomad, which he served until his death.

More on this as details become available.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Paternity Test Results: Darth Vader not BabyDaddy

- "Luke, I am not your biological father"

By: Aimin' for Failure

The Death Star,

A shocking discovery was made yesterday on the Maury Povich show as DNA test results determined that Darth Vader (above) is not the father of Luke Skywalker. In front of a national audience, Lord Vader was vindicated, which then led to an expletive-laden victory dance in the face of a weeping Queen Amidala.

A long, long time ago; in a far, far away place, proper technologies were not available. But now, Vader [currently going by D-Vade] is off the hook for child support. He is hosting an “I’m not a Dad” Party in Scores Gentlemen’s club in Las Vegas on Friday. The guest list includes Kobe Bryant, David Hasselhoff, as well as Harrison Ford and Han Solo (sure to cause an awkward situation).

"I knew she was getting around. I can read peoples' freakin' minds for gods sakes," He told reporters after the show.

As for Amidala, the news is not so bright. Sleaze-bag Povich pretended to care while jamming a camera in her tear-soaked face during the worst moment of her life (coincidentally receiving the highest rating in show history). The news got worse from there; as Povich listed the possible fathers.

Following a night of binge drinking at Mos Eisley Cantina, poor judgment apparently led to a tryst with the homely Figrin D'an: a struggling Kloo-horn player in the house band.

Even worse, the other possible father was Kevin Federline. And Howard K. Stern has already staked an obviously false claim.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Life After Dumbledore: When Fictional Characters Come Out of the Closet

By: Jah Banni
(At right, Captain Planet - former lover of Albus Dumbledore)

Hogwarts Headmaster, and Harry Potter character, Albus Dumbledore has long been a secretive and captivating character in the up to the minute celebrity news world in which he lives. Very much the opposite of other Hollywood personalities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and, you guessed it, Frank Stallone, Dumbledore preferred to keep his private life just that. Recently, however, the old wizard shocked the world by proclaiming himself gay through a statement given by his creator, J.K. Rowling.

The Past

Some, such as Dumbledore’s former lover Captain Planet, are not surprised that this information surfaced.

“It was only a matter of time,” said Planet. “He often asked me to have the Native American on my show provide the world with ‘Heart’ so they would accept us as lovers. Fictional, yes, but lovers nonetheless.”

Planet believes it was easier for fictional characters to share a homosexual relationship in the past, but says that the progress of open relationships, despite their obvious hardships, is a necessary evil on the road to equality.

“Of course it was easier. Don’t ask don’t tell was the rule of the day,” says the toned, but petit and shockingly blue cartoon character. “But that doesn’t mean it was a good thing for our community. Many people, myself included, struggled with our true feelings versus public perception. And I know there will be bumps in the road, so to speak, but if it helps a young made up person to feel more comfortable with him or herself, then it is progress.”

Others, however, are worried that Dumbledore’s revelation will lead to a Joseph McCarthy-like fictional character homosexual witch hunt.

Robin, boy wonder and sometimes Batman side-kick, has long dodged questions of his sexuality by inquisitive press members, fans and friends alike. Knowing that fictional characters are coming out of the closet has already reignited the question that had at least seemingly died down of late for the super-hero.

“I’m used to it by now, but I’d be lying if I said it was not bothersome,” said Robin. “Why can’t a character put on a mask and tights and take in a Streisand concert without that question coming up? From now on, it will be because of Dumbledore.”

The Present

Already, many other famed characters have come under attack from the media regarding their sexual preferences. Frodo Baggins, his friend and rumored lover Sam, Pinky from Animaniacs, Pooh-Bear, Mary Poppins, Mr. Belvedere, Bambi, He-Man sidekick Man-At-Arms, Peter Pan, Snow White, and most recently Optimus Prime have all been rumored to prefer members of their own sex.

"I am not gay. I am a [freaking] robot. How would that even work?"

- Optimus Prime

Prime, for his part, is irate.

“So I tell a young man to put the All Spark in my chest,” yelled a clearly upset Prime, “ … does that really suggest my sexual preference?”

The furor created by Dumbledore’s announcement is changing the way fictional characters pick roles in movies, books, and other distributed media.

Stewie, of TV’s Family Guy, turned down two opportunities in the past two days to play the character portrayed by Nathan Lane in Broadway’s The Producers, for fear that his part in a Broadway show would lead to questions of his sexuality.

“As watchers of our show know, I enjoy singing and fine culture,” Stewie said by phone, yesterday. “But I can’t risk being type-cast in the future. I am not at all changing my likes and dislikes, but to me, facing questioning for the rest of my career is not worth it. By the way, whatcha got there? Huh? Reeeeaaallly writing an article? Gonna make a difference? Huh? Thinkin’ about Dumbledore? You do that. Write that article. You are a journalist.”

Not everybody thinks this way. During a phone call yesterday, Superman revealed that he was planning to sign on for a starring role in the sequel to Brokeback Mountain.

“Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, my creators, know me and know my values,” said the Man of Steel. “They are behind me 100%. This is a role I cannot wait to play. And I know Heath [Ledger] is looking forward to it as well.”

Optimus Prime still fumes over questions of his personal life, and vows to overcome them.

“I am not gay,” said Prime. “I am a [freaking] robot. How would that even work? I will not let this deter me in the future. I came here from a planet far away to co-exist with earth creatures. I will not be scared away by silly questions about me, a young man, and the All Spark.

The Future

Spiderman, who is quick to point to his famed kiss with Mary Jane as proof of his preference, understands Optimus Prime’s concern, and has one of his own.

“The thought that the creator of a fictional character would go on record speaking about that character’s sexual preference is mind numbing,” said Spidey. “Stan Lee, my creator and a good friend, would never do such a thing, but imagine J.R.R. Tolkien coming out and speaking openly on behalf of Samwise Gamgee … it’s scary.”

Spiderman is not alone in this worry. Captain Planet, despite his support of Dumbledore and other gay fictional characters, says his one worry is a creator who feels disrespected or betrayed.

“It is the one thing I worry about. This business is so crazy that it’s bound to happen. Some young creator gets upset that a character of his or hers is getting all the attention they should themselves garner … Let’s just say it is an easy card to play,” a concerned Planet said. “ ‘This character is gay’ is something we may hear way too much of in the future.”

Albus Dumbledore, despite being the first fictional character to come out of the closet, has remained silent since his shocking disclosure. It is unknown whether or not he is currently involved in a relationship, which fits his public persona prior to the revelation. But friend, and fellow wizard Gandalf the Grey, for one, believes Dumbledore is doing just fine.

“Albus is very much a home-body. He is also innovative, bright, and generous,” Gandalf said. “Whatever reasoning he had behind the decision [to come out], it was anything but spontaneous. He is, of course, a wise, old wizard.”

And a made-up, gay one at that.

Sara Lee-eave That Recipe Alone: Little People Cry Foul Over Miniature Muffins

By: Jah Banni
G.I.A.N.T. spokesperson, Robinson Caneyo

Austin, Tx. -- A top executive at Sara Lee Corp. is feeling the heat over a proposed change in the company’s baked goods line. E. Samson LaVell, CEO of Specialized Markets for Sara Lee, has drawn the ire of the G.I.A.N.T. Group, a civil rights organization focused on the interests of little people, over the proposed product MiniMuffs.

G.I.A.N.T., which stands for Great Intelligence At Nominal Tallness, alerted the company at a local market council meeting of its intent to file a suit based on Sara Lee’s “ignorance of the fundamental needs and desires of little people,” according to G.I.A.N.T. spokesperson Robinson Caneyo, who was himself present at the meeting. Caneyo declined to speak directly with The Truth Brush, but did, however, provide us with a copy of the letter given to LaVell and other Sara Lee market council members.

LaVell may find his company in even hotter water based on his initial reaction to the letter. Upon opening the envelope handed to him by Caneyo, LaVell reportedly laughed so ferociously a paisley necktie became lodged in his throat. LaVell refused to describe what caused his laughter, but The Truth Brush has obtained a copy of the letter and will re-produce an excerpt below:

"Dear Mr. LaVell,
It is with a G.I.A.N.T. sense of urgency that I write you this letter to make you aware of the ignorance your company is showing the Little People community, both in this country and abroad. You have showed that, at least in this case, Sara Lee is the littlest person of us all. To think you would knowingly shrink the size of your muffins to create a situation in which a little person would be exploited in his or her own grocer of choice is mystifying. You have become jaded in reaching your 72 inches, Mr. LaVell, and I think it is a tall task before you to quell the anger of the world’s largest group of little people."

Despite his use of a very small pencil, Caneyo went on to say a civil suit would be filed in the event that Sara Lee Corp. continues with its productions of MiniMuffs. Sara Lee had not returned the phone calls of The Truth Brush as of publication time, however a 2006 press release detailed the proposed small snack.

“MiniMuffs, Sara Lee Corporation’s newest product, blends great taste with cutting edge human to food size ratios to create the world’s first snack designed to take up just the right amount of space in our customer’s digestive system,” wrote Luisa Ramos, Product PR Manager at Sara Lee Corp. “In today’s world, much of the available snack food market is focused on products with the word ‘Giant’ or ‘King Size’ attached. Now, Sara Lee is offering people of smaller stature the ability to snack on a product to fulfill the faint hunger pangs of a tiny tummy.”

Reports that Verne Troyer would be Sara Lee’s spokesperson for the product are unconfirmed.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Why are homeless people so tired?

-taking over the world is hard work

Special-Ed itorial

By: Aimin' for Failure
Senior Vagrancy correspondent

There is a park right by my work (I’m an Explorer for the US and A) which I walk through frequently. I love people watching, and even though hobos don’t count as people, they are clearly fascinating to observe. But yesterday I noticed that it was right around noon, and the bum I was looking at was still sleeping.

I flashed back through my life: Bum sleeping in restaurant doorway, bum sleeping on a bench, bum sleeping in the park, bum sleeping in the park on a bench. It dawned on me that most of the bums I have seen were asleep.

This caused me to begin to wonder… what makes them so tired? Shopping carts filled with plastic bags aren’t that heavy. It’s not like they’re tired from painting the house all day or mowing the lawn. And obviously they aren’t exhausted due to their stressful Wall Street job.

What do they do all day? Engross themselves in conversation with trees, animals and motorcycles, use pants as cotton porta-johns, grow beards, dress like it is Halloween year round, and give lectures to audiences of no one, until a curious idiot like myself starts talking to them.

We only see homeless people doing one of three things,
1. sleeping
2. asking for money
3. preaching about the apocalypse.

But I’ve discovered the secret. The key is what we don’t see them doing. They are always sleeping during the day because they were up all night planning to takeover the world. And why are they always soliciting money? If they are homeless, should they not be asking for a home? They are gathering money for their cause, which is to bring down the system and enslave the workers. The ones preaching about the apocalypse are defectors from this evil cause who are legitimately trying to warn us… and you cast them off as crazy.

What would a slave do… work; and what would a master do…nothing. A job is nothing but merely training to become a hobo’s slave. Meanwhile, bums have been doing nothing, training all along to be your master.

I know this is true because my homeless friend “Bilj” (actually Bill, but alcohol limits his use of the letter L to one at a time) told me so. Most people ignore him, but I don’t and that is why he let me in on the secret. I have no reason to doubt anything he says, except that last week he told me that, “Bill Clinton was a homosexual and it says so in the bible.”

Other than that, he’s totally credible. He also predicted that it was going to be cold last winter, that the Pirates wouldn’t win the World Series this year, and that the mortgage-market bubble was about to burst, leading to massive interest rate cuts by the fed and the plummeting value of the US Dollar.

Next time you see a bum, be nice to him, he might own you someday.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Religious Tattoos do not gaurantee trip to Heaven

-God Vetoes Religious Tattoo Amendment, Shoulder blade crucifix no longer gaurantees eternal salvation.

by: Aimin' for Failure


Last week, the Heaven House of Representatives ratified a controversial amendment to the Ten Commandments by voting 57-46 to pass a bill concerning religious tattoos. However, God used his Holy Veto power to overturn the decision.

What would have been the 11th commandment would have allowed so called "get out of jail free cards" for tattooed Crosses, Jewish Stars, depictions of God, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Lou Diamond Phillips, etc.

A spokesman for God said that “Admission should concern how virtuous a person was, rather than a $75 ink investment. A religious tattoo doesn’t necessarily make a person moral… in fact it makes them 32% more likely to be a member of a L.A. street gang.”

St. Peter disagreed with the decision. "I saw the bill as a logical solution to Heaven's illegal-immigration problem.” Limbo has recently become overcrowded, mainly by souls awaiting the tattoo vote. The result was rampant border jumping; forcing St. Peter to step up border security along the pearly gates – which have been damaged in many places.

The most notable celebrity waiting on the tattoo decision is Tupac – due to a dubiously negative career offset by many religious tattoos. The halfway-in/halfway-out status has allowed Tupac to release his last 7 albums post-mortem, as well as erasing the “T” from his giant “THUG LIFE” tattoo.

God also covered other topics in the Veto- Stating: “Strongly discouraged is a tattoo of a newborn 2 days before turning into a deadbeat dad.” The language also suggested that directing Passion of the Christ does not grant free reign for drunken Nazi rants.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Pornstar Sues For Sexual Harassment In The Workplace

By: Eamon Conway

San Bernardino, CA

Adult Film Star Kristal Nacht - star of such films as Kristal Nacht Up and Debbie Does Dallas' Taxes filed charges yesterday in California's third Circuit Court, alleging Sexual Harassment in the workplace. She is bringing a lawsuit against a coworker, a director and a boom-mic operator. Sworn in by Judge J.M. Reinhold, Nacht testified that she was harassed and embarrassed in a work environment while filming a scene for the upcoming movie – Transfornicators.

"I was touched inappropriately on the small of back by my coworker" [identified as Steely McBeam]. On the date in question, Nacht testified that Mr. McBeam made a sexual advance toward her, to which she warned him to stop.

According to Nacht, McBeam was then encouraged by Director Steven Feelberg and Boom-mic operator David Schwimmer, formerly of Friends. When McBeam tried once again, Nacht halted the filming and called the authorities.

"On the set and in my job environment, I was objectified, treated like an object, demeaned, made to feel uncomfortable, and objectified;" Nacht said through a prepared statement. I was humiliated in front of my coworkers and stripped of my respect."

Lawyers for McBeam called the lawsuit preposterous, saying that Nacht was vengeant due to being fired. Nacht was laid off (pun not intended) for missing performance goals according to Feelberg.

Knacht is supposedly seeking upwards of $600 dollars in damages.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Have You Ever Been Iced By Your Treadmill?

By: Eh Man
better pen-name pending
-Toothbrush Poorespondent

Every day, people (including myself) flock to stadiums and pay large sums of money to watch sporting events. I have no room to call this stupid or inane, although my mere presence at such an event should alert the masses that this is no brain surgery convention. However, I have happened upon a great discovery. A better sport that is free: treadmill diving.

After a surgery relegated me to the cardio room of my gym, I thought I would be miserable. I dreaded countless hours staring at a muted tv playing Tyra Banks’ show. However, as I pedaled away on my bike, something amazing happened as if ordered by the hand of Zeus himself…
WHAM… A girl on the treadmill directly in front of me absolutely bit it. A perfect symphony of un-coordination and speed. While in absolute sprint she managed to drift slightly enough to the right to allow a foot to catch both the treadmill belt (moving at a pace roughly around 10mph) and the giant plastic side-footrest (moving at a rate somewhere in the range of 0 mph).

The result. The left leg continued on its stationary trip to Pittsburgh; however, the right leg began a rapid yet short-lived excursion towards Nova Scotia. The left leg decisively won the battle, much to the delight of me. She began a swift descent towards the belt which then projected her by the knees backwards to the final destination: a rubber floor. Everyone paused to look or offer help. Thats when the most stunning part happened…

She scrambled to her feet like a cheetah and immediately started running again. While evading every stare and offer of assistance, she steadfastly refused to acknowledge the amazing event that had just transpired. I was completely distraught. I crawled to the top of a Tibetan mountain top and asked myself: Why?... This would be like witnessing someone
get hit by a bus, shaking it off… and walking right back down the bus lane.

Did she really believe that nobody noticed this masterpiece? And if we did, did she think it was that forgettable? ...that we could all ignore the pink elephant in the corner of the room. I wonder if she imagined that it would inspire some jackass to write a thesis.

Like a crack addict, or nascar fan, or crack addicted nascar fan (probably comes hand-in-hand), every day I biked and diligently waited for another crash. One might tell me: “you are creating a great deal of negative karma for yourself… and this will happen to you.” Good. I am waiting. There is a blatant way to deal with a scenario like this. Believe me, EVERYONE knows that you just fell off the treadmill, so you may as well admit it. You have two routes you can take.

-Stay down and stare at the treadmill for a little while. Then begin laughing at yourself. Trust me, everyone is already internally laughing at you… better to change that to externally laughing with you.

-Stay down on the floor. You are already a jackass, may as well be a giant one. Make it memorable.
Begin convulsing and yelling loudly. Finish it off with some incoherent babble about eating a bald eagle for Thanksgiving dinner with Vincent Diesel. Wait until an ambulance comes, tell them you can’t feel your legs, and then make a miraculous recovery 12 minutes later.