Saturday, May 1, 2010

Fashion Police Proceeding with Charges Against Roethlisberger

By Eamon Conway (f.k.a. Aimin' for Failure)

Pittsburgh, PA (Truthbrush) -Ben Roethlisberger has made a living of evading the arms of pass-rushers on the field. He also managed to scarcely avoid the firm grasps of prison inmates by not leaving enough DNA on a 20-year-old college student’s leg. But it appears that he will not escape the reach-around by the long, shorn, well-tanned arms of the Fashion Police.

The Fashion Police, the homosexual wing of the Police Force, held a presssssss conference yesterday to announce that they will indeed charge Ben Roethlisberger of egregious violations of fashion conduct.

“We are charging Mr. Roethlisberger with crimes in the heat of fashion. The charges are as follows; Possession of an aggressive mullet. One count of douchebaggery: the public display of a graphic T-shirt, and one count of stupidity for literally wearing a shirt with a depiction of Satan to go out and commit sex acts which would be later construed as rape.” Stated Lieutenant Ryan Seacrest.

Two weeks ago, Roethlisberger held his own press conference to declare that he was innocent of rape charges. He did this while sporting an aggressive mullet: slicked back hair accentuated by shaving the side of the head. It is indigenous to Philadelphia, and found commonly amongst the communities of rapists and country musicians (also known as auditory rapists).

The Fashion Police presented statistical evidence which illustrated that while all rapists have mullets, not all mullet-wearers are rapists. But they all definitely fall under the category of creepy. The only exception being a few thousand friendly Canadians who sport mullets to match with their Juxedos (Jean Tuxedo: the combination of jeans and a denim jacket).

Lt. Seacrest stated, “As you can see, all rapists do wear mullets. We have even unsurfaced images of Kobe Bryant around the time of his alleged rape. So while we cannot conclude definitively that Mr. Roethlisberger is a rapist, we can conclusively determine two things from our statistical evidence. 1) He is a creep. 2) He is completely devoid of all style and taste. Pending DNA test results for Canadianism, we will be proceeding with charges on all counts.”

Tom Brady, the only member of both the NFL Players Union and the Fashion Police issued a statement. “As the liaison for the NFL I am disgusted by Ben’s despicable act.”

When asked by The Truthbrush if he was aware that the sexual assault charges were dropped, Brady responded, “I know that you moron. I’m talking about having sex with a woman. That’s gross. Why not just pay a supermodel a ton of money to say that she has sex with you?”

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Report: Sex Addiction “Rampant, Rising” Among Rabbits

(Rehabbing Rabbit, TruthBrush)


Biloxi, Miss. (TruthBrush) - Tiger Woods can claim to be many things these days; the best golfer on the planet, one of the most famous and infamous people on earth, and unfailingly awkward in almost all public situations. Now, however, he can also claim to be a possible savior to rabbits and their relationships.

By shedding new and unfortunately serious light on “sex addiction” Tiger has allowed male bunnies world-wide to claim the “condition” as the reason for their almost constant sexual activity. Peter Cottontail, founder and Chairman of the Career Advancement for Rabbits ‘Round Our Town, or CARROT, says that Woods has unknowingly saved millions of rabbit relationships over the past month.

“Everyone knows that rabbits have a major problem with infidelity,” says Cottontail. “Now we know why – it’s an addiction. Early numbers show rabbit divorce numbers down from 95% to 65% in just the past 30 days.”

Human beings tend to look at sex addiction as a hilarious excuse used by embarrassed men caught in compromising situations, but rabbits look at the treatable “affliction” as a God-send, says the CARROT founder.

“There is a reason a statement has been constructed at the expense of rabbits and our affinity for sexual relations,” said Cottontail. “’****ing like bunnies’ is a lifestyle that we generally cannot control. This terrible disease will allow us to continue to move forward.”

An independent study funded by loose cannon and known philanderer Roger Rabbit shows that approximately 100% of rabbits are addicted to sex. This is substantially higher than the 98.4% of human males that are also addicted to sex. Just last year, an independent study denied the existence of “sex addiction” entirely. Rabbit, however, says it was folly to so quickly dismiss it as a viable disease.

“Just ask my wife (Jessica Rabbit). We were estranged for almost 3 years because I was with just about everybody. And everything. I couldn’t control myself,” said Rabbit, 39. “I was like Russell Brand’s character in that Sarah Marshall movie, except worse. People, animals, chairs, doors, food items … I couldn’t stop. Tiger Woods, too…”

“I’m serious. I have 20-30,000 kids. Most of them are bunnies. But not all of them. Dakota Fanning? She’s mine,” continued Rabbit.

Jessica Rabbit declined to comment, but a source close to the situation says that she is incredulous that Roger would go to such lengths to rationalize his actions. They are, however, trying to work things out.

“It’s all I want, besides ludicrous amounts of sex,” says Roger. “Aside from wanting to hump everything that moves, all I really want is a great marriage.”

Cottontail hopes that with more education on the addiction rabbits will be able to live happy, monogamous lives. He does, however, have his doubts that this is possible. One of his most oft cited examples is the Easter Bunny.

“Insatiable appetite for casual sexual encounters,” says Cottontail. “And he’s cocky about it too. He doesn’t cover his tracks – in fact he leaves his footprints and a gift basket of candy when he’s done. The shame of it, he’s a real nice guy for the most part. But he doesn’t stop. I don’t know that recognizing his problem and learning about it will sufficiently stop him from chasing tail.”

CARROT, says Cottontail, will help rabbits in need of rehab.

“We’ll do our best,” says Cottontail. “We are going to prove that every time a person looks out their window, they don’t have to see a rabbit and its partner making a mess of the shrubbery. And we can all thank Tiger Woods for being a generally gross human being. I mean, we’re bunnies. He should know better. But we’re glad he brought this ‘disease’ to the public.”

Somewhere, David Duchovny is jealous of both Tiger and rabbits.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Found: Jesus…But Where?


Nairobi (TruthBrush) – Every day millions of thousands of people attempt to resurrect their currently lackluster lives by looking for Jesus. Many, who come to this point through jail, rehab, happenstance, circumstance, and even book clubs or gazebo building classes, are able to find him. Tragically, some of those who look are unable to find the son of God, whom they so desperately need to help them make better decisions they would be otherwise unable to make through techniques such as ... making better decisions.

A new study, however, could help those in need of Jesus’ services find him more easily. The Center for Researchable Research in Manhattan, Kansas, spoke with 2,500 “found” Christians to understand how they came about finding their Lord and savior. According to the CRR, the results were staggering.

“Over 94% of the participants in our study found Jesus in the same spot,” says Kenneth Kenderson, spokesperson for the CRR. “Under the bed.”

One of the participants in the study agreed to speak with the TruthBrush under the condition of anonymity.

“I was in a pretty bad way. I was eating way too much chocolate, staying up really late, and trying to kidnap all the cats I could,” said Paul Maxenheimer, 23. Maxenheimer, of 1254 Lakeshore Drive in Topeka, had his request for anonymity noted, but ultimately ignored completely. “One day, I thought I saw a cat go under my bed – so I dropped to my knees and looked … and there he was. Jesus.”

What happened next, says Maxenheimer, took him by surprise.

“I said, ‘Jesus! I found you!’ And he said, ‘Ooooohhh goooooood for youuuuuu, Paul. I was sleeping.’ It was very odd to hear him speak that way,” says Maxenheimer.

Ken Kenderson says this is typical of the way that many people come to find Him. In the footnotes of the study, the CRR notes that many of these “findings” are in truth people stumbling upon Jesus as he rests.

“In terms of the bed thing, He is the most looked for being in the history of the universe,” says Kenderson. “It is not out of the realm of possibility that he just needs to kind of take it easy every so often. I mean if you held the answers to all things, and people were constantly trying to find you, wouldn’t you want to just get away?”

Representatives for Jesus declined comment, but Tim Tebow decided to anyways.

“Jesus just needs to rest sometimes. He told me one time while I was the best player of all time in the history of sports that under the bed is a great place for him to hide because it is so cliché that most people wouldn’t really look for him there,” said Tebow, a projected NFL draft pick this coming week. “I guess now he is going to have to find other places to rest.”

Kenderson believes the study will actually help the Son of God as it will temporarily throw his followers off his trail.

“In terms of us releasing this study, we recognize that Jesus needs rest and in giving up his current hiding spot, it should trick the gullible public into immediately checking under the bed. Now Jesus will have a chance to find a new place to be found – like in a closet or a Lady Gaga song.”

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Big Ben Behind Bars? Only in His Dreams

(Ben....dertaker, TruthBrush)


Milledgeville (Ga.) – Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit District Attorney Frederic D. Bright announced to a national audience yesterday that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would not face criminal charges stemming from an incident at a Milledgeville nightclub in early March. In his nearly hour long statement to the press Bright, or O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. has he likes to be called, lamented the length of his own job title while scolding Roethlisberger to, “…grow up.”

Roethlisberger, however, apparently missed the message of O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. Appearing at the Steelers’ South Side facility later in the day, Roethlisberger looked very much like a man disappointed at the lack of charges brought against him and a man very dedicated to proving that he is, indeed, sexual assault material. Or possibly a man with a promising career in the WWE ahead of him as the heir to the Undertaker throne. Or a man who ran away from his barber mid haircut and then accidentally got the rest of his hair stuck in an oil slick. Or a man about to take a late night drive with Tiger Woods after some Ambien and a few bad decisions. Or a man who is about to change into a black and white striped thermal t-shirt, tight black jeans, dye his hair black, paint his finger nails black, put on eye liner and a spiked collar, and then by a new pair of Doc Martins that look really old. One thing is for sure: Roethlisberger is not himself convinced that he did not commit a crime.

“Generally speaking, a person found to have not committed a crime such as sexual assault would not immediately appear at a press conference dressed as a person who has, or would, commit sexual assault,” said legal fashion maven and Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit Assistant District Attorney Manny Hector Martinez (O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M). “By shaving the sides of his head and then pushing the rest of his hair backwards, using a considerable grease source, Ben is saying that he wants to be viewed as a sicko.”

O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M., 43, has seen this proverbial fish before.

“Often times a person of stature who has committed a crime and gets away with it feels a measure of guilt towards the public and will dress subconsciously to fit the crime he or she may have gotten away with,” said O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M. “I was around when Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes burnt down Andre Rison’s house. She only got probation, but she dressed like a dragon for the next 3 months. It was odd.”

Even former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw commented on the situation, allegedly saying, “Look, I know a thing or two about bad hair. I am bald, but yet I have, and have had, hair that goes over the tips of my ears. How does that make sense? I’m learning to not like him.”

O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. said in his statement, “We are not condoning Mr. Roethlisberger's actions that night. But we do not prosecute morals, we prosecute crimes.”

The way the Steelers quarterback presented himself to the public yesterday, it is clear that at least Roethlisberger thinks he committed one.

Or he was thinking about getting a haircut, and then decided midway through doing so that he didn’t want one anymore, so he stopped, but had to run out to get a new graphic t-shirt and didn’t want to look silly with the sides of his head shaved and long locks left on top, and decided it was a good idea to buy a vat of Crisco and go elbows deep in it before sweeping his remaining hair front to back….BUT THEN he remembered that he had recently not been charged for a crime that it sounded like he might have committed so he put on a nice pair of slacks and a golf shirt and asked the public to take him seriously as a leader. Either one.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Tickle Me...Biden? Government Worried Over New Epidemic


Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned from public office the first week in March amid speculation that he groped and tickled unsuspecting male staff members. At that time, much was made of his indiscretions as well as his substantially less than air tight reasoning for his resignation. In a period of three short days Massa blamed his health, the Democratic Party’s vendetta against him, and his own “salty language” for his resignation, ultimately causing many to wonder if he suffered short term memory loss or had decided to hire a “Jersey Shore” cast member as his PR rep. At the same time, however, many members of the government were worrying about a far more pressing consequence of the accusations made against Massa: the growing epidemic of man tickling in our governing bodies.

“Eric Massa is NOT the only person we know of that has engaged in gratuitous tickling of other men within the United States government,” said Fletcher Pearson, Special Advisor to the Special Advisor to the President. “And if we are not careful, this could get out of hand.”

Pearson is monitoring tickling situations all over the U.S., and even the world, at low levels of government looking to head off a potential public backlash. He estimates that 10 to 15 Senators have been warned just this month regarding their fast hands on male staff members.

“These Senators are a happy-go-lucky group,” says Pearson. “When they randomly start grabbing the sides of their male staffers and licking the sides of their faces, to them it is a show of camaraderie that they learned to do in the Navy where nobody could possibly be gay. You know? But that doesn’t mean public perception will see it that way.”

Congress and the Senate are where most of the accusations have occurred so far, but that could be changing quickly. Even the highest corners of the government are not immune to the rumors of man on man tickling. The internet is abuzz amid speculation that Vice President Joe Biden’s not so subtle use of an obscenity to President Obama last week was in fact a follow up to a conversation about tickling, and not the landmark Healthcare Bill. That would be a big f-cking deal.

“I can’t say much, but it had nothing to do with the bill,” said a White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous. “Apparently Biden caught wind of an accusation against him from one of (Nancy) Pelosi’s people saying that Biden had ‘goosed’ him on his way out of the West Wing’s Mexican Cantina.”

Neither Biden nor his representatives would comment for this story, but the White House could be under fire from more than just overly angry Conservatives in the near future. Pearson fears that this could be a full blown epidemic if it is not put to rest soon.

“We are really seeing a large increase in the number of tickle and groping related accusations. It could spread like wildfire if we don’t do something. It could, if we are not careful, bring down the government. And possibly the world.”

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Healthcare Bill Returning Quick Results: Fat, Angry White Protestors Burning Calories at Record Rates

Corpulent Conservatives Conned into Conditioning

by: Aimin' for Failure

As irate, fat white people marched upon Washington to protest the universal health care bill, President Obama revealed the aim of the bill: to get irate, fat white people to march upon Washington and get some exercise.

In July of 2009, Barack Obama sat down with his most trusted health guru, Dr. Julius T. Pepper, to address the epidemic of surging health care costs. Dr. Pepper revealed the projected list for causes of death in America in the year 2020. Upon noticing that the top two killers will be obesity and stress-related heart failure, a plan was devised by the President.

“We did about 2 to 7 seconds of intense research to determine that exercise is the cure for both of these pandemics. However, it turns out that the only way to get Americans to exercise is by chasing them or casting them on The Biggest Loser. Well, we don’t have enough money to offer everyone a million to jump on a nordic track; and we couldn’t find anybody to chase the fat people... because ‘running’ was in the job description. The only remaining motivator was anger.” said the president.

The president borrowed a tactic that was stumbled upon by the Bush Administration. Results of scientific studies performed by The Electoral College revealed sharp declines in the weight of hippies during the Bush Presidency. It was discovered that the weight loss was the direct result of mass protesting.

Mr. Obama stated, "Look, these people are so chubby, and so furious, that they really need to burn off some steam. By passing a universal health care bill, I knew that I could count on Glen Beck to freak out and scare them into such a frothy anger that they would accidentally work out by stampeding Washington to protest... what’s that? oh, I shouldn’t have used stampede? Sorry... Marching."

“The cost of healthcare is ballooning, and the ballooning of Americans will be the #1 corpulent culprit. We needed to nip this in the bud. We estimate that this marching will proactively save our taxpayers trillions in obesity and stress related care."

No word yet on Rush Limbaugh living up to his promise to leave the country, which projects to save Americans millions on his Oxycodone addiction and subsequent perennial heart attack treatment.