Thursday, January 17, 2013

Ray Lewis Suspected in Lennay Kekua’s Death

Lewis dancing to a Nelly song we all tried to forget 8 years ago.

By Eamon Conway

Truthbrush -- Baltimore, MD

Ray Lewis was served a subpoena by Baltimore Detective Jimmy McNulty regarding the non-death of Manti Teo’s non-girlfriend Lennay Kekua. 

McNulty, talking to reporters outside of the Ravens practice facility, where Lewis was served the papers, stated, “What we know is that Manti Te’o’s imaginary girlfriend is not alive. But we also know that she never existed. So, using the transitive property, we don’t know that she’s not dead.”

“What we don’t believe, is that Ray Lewis never killed anyone. That is for damn sure. So the possibility exists that Lewis’ two stabbing victims, Jacinth Baker and Richard Lollar, could have gone on to father Manti Te’o's non-existent girlfriend. We can’t disprove this.”

McNulty, angered at the lack of leads on the Kekua case

Lewis, in a press release, immediately blamed it on his friends, true to his style,
again hoping to plead out to non-obstruction on non-justice.

Lewis, is noted for his skills on the gridiron, but is most known for his choreography and dancing abilities. His trademark dance resembles what happens when you get done taking a piss every once in a while, and get a chill up your spine... but you're also on meth. 

Lewis is a Preacher and a father of six children by four women.

(again) Lewis is a Preacher and a father of six children by four women.

Fresh off of being duped by Lance Armstrong, America unites to troll Manti Te’o for being duped.

Te'oing + Graphic T

By Eamon Conway

South Bend - IN -- TruthBrush

He was duped. He believed outrageous things that some simple common sense would have debunked. His name is Phil Knight, CEO and founder of Nike. He invested over $40 Million between Lance Armstrong’s sponsorship and funding of Livestrong. Reached for comment, Knight said, “Is this Te'o kid for real? What a dumbass.”  

Americans, still sporting the tan lines from their recently scissored Livestrong bracelets, flocked to social media on Wednesday to mock Manti Te’o, Notre Dame linebacker, and naïve, horny, virgin Mormon, for being gullible.

Over 80 million Livestrong bands were sold. Sold to an American public who placed its national defense in the hands of General Petraeus, celebrated Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds as they chased home run records, made the WWE into an entertainment industry, and have donated billions to televangelists. 

An American public who took to social media, en masse. In all 6 great jokes were written, each one by Rob Delaney, drowned out by 118 million attempts by a society of hacks and mouth breathers.

An American public who believed that there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, and almost voted this man into the Vice Presidency.

John Edwards. Circa: Time he was cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. Note his wrist / ring finger.

Reached for comment, John Edwards said. “The funniest thing is the irony of all the videos they find of him talking about how in love he was. It makes him even more stupid in retrospect.”

The TruthBrush reached Father John Misty, a reverend at Notre Dame. “Manti is a trusting kid. Look, he’s a Mormon, he believes in Magic Underwear, and that Jesus Christ spent time in Utah. You can’t be shocked that he’d be susceptible to being scammed. Ha. What does he think, Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean? Absurd! By the way, any donations to the Catholic Church are always welcome.”

Stephen A. Smith from ESPN, the only news outlet less credible than Deadspin, was reached for comment.

“Look. Everybody hates Notre Dame, they think they’re better than us. What, with their graduation standards, and mediocre football. So, what the hell? Turns out this isn’t a scandal, but a 22-year-old's public embarrassment. What's wrong with exploiting that?"

Copyright - E. Conway / D. Mcradden