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| Te'oing + Graphic T |
By Eamon Conway
South Bend - IN -- TruthBrush
He was duped. He believed outrageous things that some simple
common sense would have debunked. His name is Phil Knight, CEO and founder of
Nike. He invested over $40 Million between Lance Armstrong’s sponsorship and
funding of Livestrong. Reached for comment, Knight said, “Is this Te'o kid for real?
What a dumbass.”
Americans, still sporting the tan lines from their recently
scissored Livestrong bracelets, flocked to social media on Wednesday to mock
Manti Te’o, Notre Dame linebacker, and naïve, horny, virgin Mormon, for being gullible.
Over 80 million Livestrong bands were sold. Sold to an
American public who placed its national defense in the hands of General
Petraeus, celebrated Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds as they chased home run
records, made the WWE into an entertainment industry, and
have donated billions to televangelists.
An American public who took to social media, en masse. In all 6 great jokes were written, each one by Rob Delaney, drowned out by 118 million attempts by a society of hacks and mouth breathers.
An American public who believed that there were weapons of
mass destruction in Iraq, and almost voted this man into the Vice Presidency.
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| John Edwards. Circa: Time he was cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. Note his wrist / ring finger. |
Reached for comment, John Edwards said. “The funniest thing
is the irony of all the videos they find of him talking about how in love he
was. It makes him even more stupid in retrospect.”
The TruthBrush reached Father John Misty, a reverend at
Notre Dame. “Manti is a trusting kid. Look, he’s a Mormon, he
believes in Magic Underwear, and that Jesus Christ spent time in Utah. You
can’t be shocked that he’d be susceptible to being scammed. Ha. What does he
think, Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean? Absurd! By the way, any
donations to the Catholic Church are always welcome.”
Stephen A. Smith from ESPN, the only news outlet less credible than Deadspin, was reached for comment.
“Look. Everybody hates Notre Dame, they think they’re better
than us. What, with their graduation standards, and mediocre football. So, what
the hell? Turns out this isn’t a scandal, but a 22-year-old's public embarrassment. What's wrong with exploiting that?"
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| Copyright - E. Conway / D. Mcradden |
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