Thursday, November 6, 2008

Election Over: Joe the Plumber back to unclogging shit

Joe the Plumber Back to Pre-Election role: Joe the Really, Really Dumb Guy.

by Aimin' for Failure

Toledo, Ohio (Truthbrush) - - Now that the election is over, it appears that the illustrious political career of Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher has come to an end. Unfortunately, the harsh realities are settling in, and good old Joe has to resume his previous persona: an obnoxiously stupid person.

Joe the plumber conspicuously emerged as an “undecided voter” who forced his way up to now-President Obama and asked him tough questions. Curiously, he was cited 406 times in the subsequent debate by Senator McCain. More curiously, he began making appearances for McCain all over the country. Most curiously, many people actually didn’t connect the dots that he was a giant marketing ploy and campaign tool.

Unfortunately, Joe quickly showed why plumbers shouldn’t test their hand in a Presidential Race. While speaking on McCain’s behalf at a Town Hall which started resembling a Klan Meeting; an audience member said: “Joe, I think that a vote for Obama means a vote for the death of Israel.” To which, the uncouth Plumber responded… “I’m going to have to go aheand and agree with you on that one.”

Here is the clip, he even gets torched by Fox News. This interview illustrated why Triangle Tech Alumni are better at running dishwasher hoses than Countries.

Historians quickly concluded that this was the most ill-advised statement in the history of American Politics since Abraham Lincoln concluded the Gettysburg Address with “Hey Gettysburg, who wants to see my [expletive]?”

Now, I’m probably going to sound a little bit arrogant or condescending, or even disparaging towards the plumbing profession. So let me preface it by going on the record saying Joe the Plumber is a human just like you and I… except he is a Plumber.

Immediately upon potty training, I immediately identified plumbing as something that I would use every breath to avoid. The fear of pulling peoples pubes out of drain-clogs consumed my life. Almost every waking moment was spent meticulously working to avoid the plumbing profession. If there are any young readers out there with the same fears; I will now map out the course.

List of things that I did to avoid turning out like Joe the Plumber.

  1. Reading.

The reason Wurzelbacher got into the plumbing profession is because of his long history of being attracted to shiny objects. When he realized that he could use shiny Channel-lock Pliers to tighten galvanized steel and copper pipes, he was sold. This fixation held true when McCain asked Joe if his campaign could exploit him. Joe could not resist when he saw the shiny bald head of the Republican Candidate.

He was meant to be a hard working American whom many Amurricans could identify with. The only problem was that it was difficult for people like me to believe that such a diligent worker could miss about 25 consecutive days of work to go to rallies and say stupid things.

Things Go from Bad to Worse for Joe:

Joe returned to Ohio today to learn that his clients had been taken by “Super” Mario and Luigi Mario. It added insult to injury for Joe. Residents of his town were pissed when their pipes were clogging and their plumber was nowhere to be found.

“I took a giant smash at a Halloween party, I tried to call Joe’s plumbing, but he was in North Carolina making people dumber. I had no choice, I found new plumbers in the yellow pages.” Said N. Emma Felcher of Toledo, Ohio. “It was really embarrassing, because everybody at the party had to use the 7-Eleven down the street.”

Joe immediately has taken to the media to tell people how Barack Obama has ruined his life. “I told you people that Barack would steal my job; and now look: immigrants took it. Now I have no money, and these Spaghetti-benders are running around taking my business. Greasy Dagos.”

Super Mario Plumbing declined comment as to their current Visa status.

“Have you ever been to Toledo?” asked Toledo Mayor Richard Blumpkin. “I don’t care if they are illegal immigrants; we need as many plumbers as possible.”

Even worse for Wurzelbacher: He has already been forgotten as America’s most famous surnameless individual. This morning, Barack Obama made a brief appearance at a train station before boarding Thomas the Tank Engine, and Popeye the Sailorman deployed for his third tour of duty in the Persian Gulf.

NAMBLA Outs Superstars, Hopes to Hit Mainstream

(At right, Todd Marrish's Econoline, courtesy of The TruthBrush)


Topeka, Kan. (TruthBrush) - The North American Man Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA as it is uncommonly referred to, is looking to go big time. The creepy weirdos released a statement yesterday promoting a new album full of songs by celebrities who purportedly are part of the association’s supposedly wide-ranging membership. The release and upcoming album are part of a new public relations push looking for universal acceptance of statutory relationships between yucky old men and unsuspecting young versions.

Todd Marrish, head weirdo of NAMBLA, held a press conference yesterday in the back of a windowless van in the alley of a candy shop just outside of Topeka, Kansas. Marrish, a balding man with a long brown and flowing braided tail, tinted yellow glasses, and a disheveled mustache, says despite any claims to the contrary the celebrities included on the album are in fact members of NAMBLA.

“It is time we come clean,” said the 39 year-old Marrish inside the 1987 Ford Econoline from which NAMBLA operates. “We have tens of members and we want to be accepted. Out of all our members, many are celebrities with great musical talents, and we want that to be known.”

NAMBLA’s debut album, entitled “Maybe YOU’RE Crazy: Artists for Acceptance” is set to feature songs from famous artists such as Gary Glitter, Pete Townshend of The Who, and most notably the King of Pop himself – Michael Jackson.

All three of the artists have denied any involvement with the project and claim any of the songs used on the compilation were previous works not intended for use as part of a NAMBLA publicity campaign. All three, however, have in the past been linked to inappropriate contact with children, while only Jackson has been accused of carousing with young boys.

“Gary has not recorded music in years,” said Sarah Sequin, 14, his wife and advisor. “He is unequivocally not part of this association.”

Lawyers for Townshend have been equally as forthcoming with their denials. “Pete wrote songs such as ‘My Generation’ and albums such as ‘Tommy’ for The Who. He never recorded the song on the album. It’s fact,” wrote Thomas Thompson, Townshend’s lawyer.

Michael Jackson actually went public to defend himself. Earlier this morning, appearing in the mirror of a London hotel, Jackson claimed the song on the album IS in fact performed by him, but was intended as a public service address for parenting. “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me,” was a re-make of the classic Elton John song (, intended to help parents see signs of dangerous behavior by their children.

“I never intended for this song to fall into the hands of a disgusting group like NAMBLA,” said Jackson. “I am actually a member, but this song shouldn’t be on the album.”

Marrish doesn’t buy the claims, and will continue his plan to release the album.

“I’m saddened to hear these denials by three of our most honorable members,” said Marrish. “But it does not weaken our resolve to become part of mainstream America.”

Marrish, who offered Spree, Nerds, Kit-Kat’s and other candies to those who entered the van for the press conference, expects the album to be released shortly after he serves his upcoming 3 month sentence on weird and socially and morally disgusting behavior charges.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Game Misconduct?

Palin Drops the Gloves, Vice Presidential Ball


Kitchener, Ontario – Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin may have taken a penalty yesterday that will cost her party far greater than another team’s goal on the ensuing power play. This potential penalty could cost the Palin and her running mate, Sen. John McCain, residence in the White House and could possibly land Palin herself in the big house. Palin allegedly assaulted Joe Sixpack in the parking lot of a local ice rink yesterday, in the culmination of a youth hockey event gone terribly wrong for the Governor of Alaska.

The incident occurred after Willow Palin’s hockey team was eliminated in the third round of a youth tournament being held at Kitchener’s Basementer Ice Arena. As it often does with hockey parents, a borderline dirty play in the third period raised tensions throughout the arena with multiple parents heard screaming infidelities at their counterparts.

“Your hair,” bellowed Mitchell Michelle of Saskatoon, “is EVERYWHERE.”

The game itself finished without incident, but Palin was clearly incensed. Witnesses say Palin was seen removing jewelry as the buzzer sounded and even broke off her French Canadian manicured nails. Sixpack, 25-50, of Everywhere U.S.A., Alaska, began walking his daughter Ivanna to the concession stand to get her a Gatorade and himself a namesake, according to close friend Mewelde Middleclass, 34 of Every Middleclass Neighborhood in Amurrica, Alaska. Sixpack and Palin had never exchanged words, according to sources, but Palin apparently could not control her incredible rage.

“Darn it Joe, now dontcha make me do theeeis in front of the keeids,” Palin was overheard saying. “I’m gonna healfta lose my mind on you Joe. You wanna go?”

Sixpack, a former hockey player himself who recently has fallen on hard times due to the price of food, gas, and beer and a lack of change, was not willing to meet the VP candidate’s challenge.

“It’s not the right time,” slurred Sixpack. “Next face-off, next face-off.”

Palin, however, was undeterred. As Sixpack attempted to skate to his car, Palin approached him from behind, and gave him a face wash. Sixpack turned to face his assailant as Palin circled shaking her mittens in an attempt to goad the father of 3 into a scrap. Sixpack bluffed, faking the dropping of his car keys, but that was all Palin needed. Her mittens hit the pavement, and her fists hit their targets, Sixpack’s face.

A spirited bout ensued with Palin holding the early edge thanks to a few quick shots on the stunned Sixpack. Sixpack recovered when he was able to grab hold of Palin’s hockey mom jersey and get it halfway over her head, landing two rights of his own. Palin eventually finished the bout as she wiggled out of the jersey and freed herself from the constricting Vice Presidential elbow pad to land a series of vicious rights, leaving Sixpack turtled on the pavement next to his mini-van.

Scotty Bowman, in attendance due to his love of youth women’s hockey, saw the exchange as a cowardly act on the part of Palin.

“It was a cheap fight. No honor,” said Bowman, currently in an advisory role with the Detroit Red Wings/Green Party. “It was an attack, not a fight – similar to Marty McSorley and Todd Bertuzzi. Palin had one thing on her mind the whole time she was on the black ice – revenge. Most dogs don’t know now to use a canoe.”

His curious last comment aside, Bowman believes Palin will pay a steep price when her sentence is handed down.

“Oh, for sure, yeah,” said Bowman. “For sure.”

When reached for comment, Sixpack said, “There is just no place for that in hockey parenting. If I was Eric Everyman from Dayton Ohio, would she treat me like that? No. But because I’m Joe Sixpack, from Alaska, and a hockey dad, she feels its within her rights as a Vice Presidential candidate to drop the mittens and throw when I’m not interested in returning the favor. It’s not over. Our daughters play another 3 times this season, and I won’t go out of my way, but put it this way - I’ll know where she is on the black ice after the game.”

Palin, for her part, was seemingly apologetic when reached for comment.

“One thing that Americans do at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves just every day American people, Joe Sixpack, hockey moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say never again.”

When asked if that meant hanging up her mom-skates, Palin was unclear in her answer. “You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, ‘How are you feeling about the economy?’”

She later denied, however, being at fault in the attack instead placing blame on Sixpack family friends, allegedly Larry and Lorraine Lender, for instigating the brawl by running the goalie in 8th grade.

“Darn right it was the predator lenders,” scorched Palin.

Kitchener Mounted Police Chief, Artie Aboatman, said charges have been filed, though he declined to confirm the rumor that Palin was facing instigating charges as well.

Palin is due in a Kitchener Court Roomer later this year.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Waldo Goes to OSU on Hide-and-Seek Scholarship

Where's Waldo?... Columbus. Gets full ride to play Hide-and-Seek for the Buckeyes.

By Aimin' for Failure

Jeanette, PA (Truthbrush) - - Ohio State’s Hide and Seek team, ranked #4 nationally, received a huge shot in the arm when they received a signed commitment from one of the most highly sought-after recruits of all time, Waldo.

Waldo was being courted by many of the top teams in the country. He had narrowed it down to Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State, three well known Big Ten HandS programs. The recruitment came down to the wire; it even went past National Signing Day. But in the end Waldo chose the Buckeyes. When reached for comment, he said. “I'm from PA and I really love Penn State, but when it came down to it, Ohio State just paid me a lot of money. Check out my sweet red and white striped corvette.”

Waldo joins an already strong HandS team at OSU, a team loaded with disappearing talent. Most notably: Bigfoot, The Unabomber, The Wizard of Oz and Brittany Spears’ Dignity. They are coached by the most famous Hider of all time: Richard Simmons, who has been hiding in the closet for over three decades.

Waldo received a great deal of fame and notoriety in the 90’s due mostly to his “Where’s Waldo?” book series. Born Ryan Walde, his head swelled to enormous proportions, and he shortened his moniker to a single-name… reminiscent of other arrogant celebrities like Cher, Pele, The Undertaker, Bambi and God (full name God Shammgod).

Waldo, after starring in his series of Where's Waldo books, made a name for himself as one of the top illusionists in the country. He has appeared in paintings, pictures and also in court for appearing in the rooms of unsuspecting women. It is widely believed that Waldo has been using his camouflaging abilities for all of the wrong reasons.

In recent years, Waldo befriended Chris Angel and David Blaine, two of the other top illusionists in the world; also two of the biggest creeps in North America. They spent a great deal of time trying to pick up underage girls at malls with magic and illusions on TV. After a 2003 rape allegation, rumors began to swirl about Waldo’s use of his abilities.

“Fame came hard to him;” said friend and fellow character Wanda. “Waldo thought he could have any woman he wanted. But look at him… he is a giant creep, so it never really worked that way for him. Unfortunately, he’s a lot better at hiding than talking to girls. So Waldo would meet a girl at a bar, get rejected by her, and be hiding in her hotel room or apartment when she got home.”

“His favorite song was Clay Aiken’s. The one with the lyrics: ‘If I was invisible, I would just watch you in your room.” Said Wanda. “It’s pretty creepy when you think about it.”

Waldo has gotten off of 2 rape charges and 7 charges of stalking and trespassing. Many believe that these charges were dropped due to his high profile and bright future in Hide and Seek.

This is the most publicity Waldo has received since he won a lawsuit against a sex-toy company for a wall mounted sex toy which used his name. He was awarded 19 dollars.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Holy Phobia Batman!

Caped Crusader Caves, Changes HQ

Batman at his new HQ (TruthBrush)
By Jah Banni

Gotham City (TruthBrush) – Bruce Wayne is a confident man. Confident enough to run a multi-billion dollar organization in a fictional city. Confident enough to pretend that everyone in his fictional hometown doesn’t realize that he is also Batman. On Monday, however, Wayne was confident in something much less soothing to his sizable ego: taphophobia.

According to a random online medical dictionary, taphophobia is defined as a morbid fear of being buried alive. Due to complications from this social disorder, Wayne announced yesterday that he was moving Batman’s headquarters to an office park on the outskirts of Gotham.

“I cannot tell you the exact address – I don’t want my considerable list of enemies knowing exactly where I operate from,” said Wayne, dressed now as Batman. “But I can assure you that my commute will not affect my ability to fight crime in this great city. I may be able to take the subway sometimes, and other times Gotham’s great cab drivers may be needed as well. The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it? But this should be a really great move for us.”

To be clear, Wayne Enterprises is staying put at its current location. Only Batman’s secret hideout is moving to an undisclosed location just north of the city in an office park pictured above.

“I don’t mind the picture, there is really no way my gigantic list of enemies could ever deduce my whereabouts with just this picture as evidence,” said Batman. “They would need to know that I’m now on Keaton St. and other information like that, which I’m not willing to give them.”

Dr. Richard Kimball, Batman’s PCP, says the phobia from which Batman suffers is extremely crippling.

“Look, the man worked out of a cave,” said Kimball. “The fear of being buried alive would be almost impossible to overcome in that case. Now that he is at the undisclosed location on Keaton St., he should have no such fears. It is really a nice space.”

"The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it?"

- Batman


Rychard Gasparsciullo, the CBRE sales associate in charge of the office park, says Batman got an excellent deal.

“He really got a pretty good deal. It’s definitely a step up from his cave. I can’t think of anyone who would say otherwise. He has a nice car, and so do I, so it is a pretty good deal for everyone.”

Wayne’s butler and longtime confidant, Alfred Pennyworth, said he is disappointed by the move, but worries what would have become of Wayne/Batman had they remained in the cave.

“He was really becoming quite skittish,” said Pennyworth. “A friend tried to get him to join the Scientology movement, but he said no. But he did drink a lot. Drunk Batman did not equal cool Batman. He cried a lot.”

Robin, Batman’s sidekick and boy wonder, is happy for him but doesn’t expect to move his own secret hideout.

“I’m really excited for him,” said Robin. “But this male strip club has always been my home, and I’m not ready to make such a move. And nobody has found me yet, so why move when you love the place you’re in?”

James Gordon, Gotham City’s Commissioner, is also happy for his longtime friend and ally.

“Bruce, er, Batman is a dear friend of mine personally and of the city we live in. He deserves that palace of an office park on Keaton St. just past the McDonalds on the left,” said Gordon. “I just hope people don’t go looking for him. That wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone. But I don’t think they could find him anyways.”

Today, Wayne says, he is more confident than yesterday.

“I am very confident. Very much so. Look, yesterday I was scared that my house was going to cave in on me,” says Wayne, smelling of gin and not wearing any boots. “Today, I know that if I want McDonalds, and I’m in the office I can just run over and get it. I know that if someone in town is in trouble, our public transportation systems will get me there in plenty of time at a low cost to save the day. And I know my office won’t attack me.”

Gotham City, should be so confident.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Study Shows Pregnancy More Common in Women

Maybe the mama? (Photo courtesy of Rambo)

By Jah Banni

Rochester, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Freida Dirte, a lead OBGYN at the Mayo Clinic, claims new research emphatically shows pregnancy to be unlikely to occur in men. According to her study, women are the leading cause of birth in the United States.

“In most instances, we have found that men who appear pregnant are, in fact, not,” said Dirte, 37. “More often than not, they are just overweight or hiding a bulbous object in their bodies.”

Statistics released show that 98.4% of all babies in the United States are born by women, .7% born by the Spears family, .5% by surrogates outside the U.S., .3% by wives of Tom Cruise, and the rest by men. Manbirths, as they are commonly known, are very uncommon in urban areas and tend to be exclusive to areas such as Idaho and Idaho.

“We know that Scientology, Tom Cruise, and babies are synonymous. We know the same about Britney and Jamie Lynn. But after those two, Manbirths are the most common form of childbirth outside of women,” said Dirte. “But it is important for the general public to realize, this is very real, but not every man that looks pregnant is, in fact, with child.”

How, though, will we know when a man is pregnant or when he is a drug runner hired by a Columbian transvestite to undergo surgery to insert drugs, money, and a November issue of Popular Mechanics magazine for smuggling purposes? How will we know when a man is with child or just enjoys circular objects in his gut? To help educate America about its pregnant males, Dr. Dirte created the following chart detailing the differences.

Still, laypeople are still confused by the phenomenon. Marcel Ricot, a French Canadian in the U.S. to teach hockey to infants, could not tell the difference.

“It makes little, eh eh eh, how you say, sents? Sents? Sense. It makes no sense,” said Ricot, of Montreal. “They all look weird.”

More confusing yet, even to OBGYN’s, is how men get pregnant in the first place. Various studies are currently underway, but Dr. Dirte warns not to expect an answer too soon.

“It is going to be a very long road before we really figure this out,” said Dirte, “but as of now our only lead is that Tom Cruise is the father of all manbirthed children we have studied. That is not to say this will hold true from here on out, but its hard not to think that way.”

According to Dr. Dirte, men who become pregnant feel the same side affects as their female counterparts including increased appetite, mood swings, and the need to take naked photos.

“If you know a man who may be pregnant, please contact the Mayo Clinic. It is a very traumatic experience and we have a team on hand to handle it, which is why they’re on hand,” said Dirte.