By: Eamon Conway
The Keebler Elves have been a longtime resident inside of a tree in the Los Padres National Forest. For years they made cookies inside their tree-house with their signature cauldron-boiled fudge.
In the late 90’s, the Atkin's Diet backlash against carbohydrates hit the cookie industry hard. With production at an all-time low, the Elves fell upon hard times and resorted to prostitution – Pedophiles pay extra for creatures even smaller than children. Police believe this is subsequent to when Ernie Elf started abusing narcotics including crack and black-tar heroin.
After the other elves began using crack, they easily converted the tree-kitchen into a meth-lab at some point circa 2002. They used cookie packages to export Meth, and imported Columbian Cocaine with cocoa bean shipments. The operation ran so smoothly that the Elves were turning huge profits and partying with Lindsay Lohan.
The Elves long used subliminal advertising in their products. E.L. Fudge cookies actually say ELF in all capital letters on the package. When they began manufacturing crank, they labeled it MidgETH.
"I can’t believe it. They seemed so nice and quiet" said next oak-tree neighbor, X the Owl from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. "I guess I should have suspected something after Ernie chased his girlfriend Smirfette into the front yard and fractured her clavicle with a rolling-pin."
Smoky the Bear is especially livid for letting this happen under his watch. “I didn’t know they were [expletive] meth-heads, I believed Ernie when he told me his teeth were turning yellow and falling out because of all the sugar, and now look at my [expletive] forest.”
In 2004 Ernie was arrested outside of a posh L.A. night-club following a fight with TV star Alf. Ernie’s close friend Gary Coleman disclosed the real details to the Truthbrush.
“I was with him. He was blown out of his mind. They were introduced, and he thought Alf said his name was Elf, and was mocking him. He hit him over the head with a beer bottle, but it didn’t break because Alf is covered in hair. The cops broke up the fight and put him in Jail.”