Thursday, November 15, 2007

Keebler Elves Die as Tree Ignites California Wildfires

Covert Meth Lab Brings Bitter End for Cookie Bakers
By: Eamon Conway

Investigators have determined the source of the California wildfire; it appears that the origin of the fire was an explosion in the world-famous home of the Keebler Elves, who died in the fire. The cookie makers had converted their world famous tree-kitchen into a meth-lab, and had been secretly producing, distributing, and consuming crystal-meth.

The Keebler Elves have been a longtime resident inside of a tree in the Los Padres National Forest. For years they made cookies inside their tree-house with their signature cauldron-boiled fudge.

In the late 90’s, the Atkin's Diet backlash against carbohydrates hit the cookie industry hard. With production at an all-time low, the Elves fell upon hard times and resorted to prostitution – Pedophiles pay extra for creatures even smaller than children. Police believe this is subsequent to when Ernie Elf started abusing narcotics including crack and black-tar heroin.

After the other elves began using crack, they easily converted the tree-kitchen into a meth-lab at some point circa 2002. They used cookie packages to export Meth, and imported Columbian Cocaine with cocoa bean shipments. The operation ran so smoothly that the Elves were turning huge profits and partying with Lindsay Lohan.

The Elves long used subliminal advertising in their products. E.L. Fudge cookies actually say ELF in all capital letters on the package. When they began manufacturing crank, they labeled it MidgETH.

"I can’t believe it. They seemed so nice and quiet" said next oak-tree neighbor, X the Owl from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. "I guess I should have suspected something after Ernie chased his girlfriend Smirfette into the front yard and fractured her clavicle with a rolling-pin."

Smoky the Bear is especially livid for letting this happen under his watch. “I didn’t know they were [expletive] meth-heads, I believed Ernie when he told me his teeth were turning yellow and falling out because of all the sugar, and now look at my [expletive] forest.”

In 2004 Ernie was arrested outside of a posh L.A. night-club following a fight with TV star Alf. Ernie’s close friend Gary Coleman disclosed the real details to the Truthbrush.

“I was with him. He was blown out of his mind. They were introduced, and he thought Alf said his name was Elf, and was mocking him. He hit him over the head with a beer bottle, but it didn’t break because Alf is covered in hair. The cops broke up the fight and put him in Jail.”

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Pirates Attack North Korean Freighter

Seriously... look at this.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Last week a North Korean freighter, the Dong Lo, sailing in the waters Northeast of Africa was overtaken by a Pirate ship. The Pirate Ship: the Sea Word, sponsored by Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, is captained by Rufio – best known as Peter Pan’s sidekick from the movie Hook.

The Sea Word fired upon the Dong with strikingly phallic deck-cannons as it pulled along side the freighter. After disabling the communication systems, Rufio and the pirates swung onto the Dong’s Poop Deck armed with swords, wooden pistols, and bad attitudes. A handful of sailors were murdered, many thrown overboard into shark-infested waters, some even without the decency of a plank. After an abbreviated struggle, the pirates conquered the Dong and held the crew captive.

Using morse code, the Sea Word transmitted a statement after the hostile takeover of the Dong; the code read,"Rufio, Rufio, Ru-Fi-Oooooooh."

The North Korean Government is furious over the incident. Kim Jong Il stated; “That freighter was carrying grass clippings, what do they think I’m going to feed my country now… steaks?”

The ships crew is manned by hundreds of authentic swashbuckling pirates, most notably, Medium Wilbur Silver: the brother of Long John Silver. Wilbur, jealous of his brother, unsuccessfully attempted to rival his brother in the fast-seafood business when he opened Medium Wilbur's Peanut-Butter and Jellyfish. Also jealous of Long John's success in the undergarment industry, Wilbur invented the fishnet stockings.

In keeping with the times, the Sea Word has also employed at least a dozen fat, sweaty cyber pirates. They are dropouts from M.I.T. who have been on the run from the law after illegally pirating upwards of 10,000 songs from the internet. The nerds are used to hack into radar, navigation and communication systems… and the grease from their faces comes in very handy for the ship’s cook.

The US Navy has teamed up on a joint task force with the long-time nemesis of Pirates – The FBI. It is widely known that the FBI has hated Pirates for many years. They have gone as far as warning pirates at the beginning of every movie. "Puffy shirts, bandanas, earrings, sailing around on a ship with a bunch of dudes… and people wonder where the term Butt-pirate came from;" Said John Walsh, host of America's Most Wanted on Fox. Fox subsequently suspended him for homophobic remarks.

Recent polls found most Americans don't believe in Pirates, but they are still very prevalent. In the late 20th century, the US Government took their currency off of the Gold Standard in an attempt to make pirates – with their perpetual thirst for gold – obsolete. But the resourceful sea-dwellers adapted by stealing music and movies as their main source of income. This is why the FBI put warnings in movies.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Shotgun Game Turns Deadly for Creator

Man Killed For Breaking Rules

By Jah Banni

(Sunil Karakowski of the Coon Rapids, Minn. CSI Dept. poses next to the car where Sid Jakanoski was shot. Courtesy of TruthBrush)

Coon Rapids, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Sid Jakanoski was a man likely to be remembered for his love of polka, generosity, and competitive personality. It was, after all, his competitive streak that caused him to create the world famous “shotgun” game used to claim the front seat in a car. Unfortunately his penchant for competition led to his ultimate demise.

Jakanoski was killed yesterday outside of Duluth after playing the “shotgun” game with a man carrying a gun of the same name. He was 62. Harvey Mankin, 56, is charged with shooting Jakanoski and would face life in prison if convicted.

Witnesses say the shooting occurred as a direct result of the game itself. According to Missy Hagosloski, who witnessed the killing, Jakanoski was irate that Mankin broke a rule of the game that states, “A person shall only call shotgun when the automobile of choice in plain sight.” Jakanoski, according to Hagosloski, claimed Mankin called “shotgun” from an angle that made actual visual confirmation of the car in question impossible.

“It was a junk call,” said Hagosloski. “That guy [Mankin] couldn’t even see the car. It was around the corner!”

Jakanoski, a Coon Rapids native, began shouting at Mankin that the call was “poo.” As they neared the car, according Hagosloski, Mankin refused to give up the front seat, prompting Jakanoski to push Mankin from behind as he tried to open the door. As Mankin stumbled away from the front passenger side door, he turned wielding a 12 gauge shotgun and fired twice into Jakanoski’s chest.

Police Capt. Sammy Terahawsky, a friend of Jakanoski’s, called it, “… a sad day for shotgunners everywhere.”

“He was a stubborn and competitive man,” said Capt. Terahawsky. “He really took pride in the fact that he created something that became known all over the state, and the world for that matter.”

Jakanoski’s ex-wife, Henrietta Oski, 59, said she was there when he created the game.
“It was 1967, and we were attending St. Cloud State University,” started Oski. “One day four of us were going to the movies and an argument started about who got to sit up front. Sid, being the who he was, refused to give it up without some sort of competition. So later that night, he sat down and created rules about calling the front seat. He loved hunting, so he called the game ‘shotgun’. I just can’t believe he was killed by one.”

Police are awaiting toxicology reports on Mankin, who was known to have a few chardonnays before breakfast, lunch, and dinner, before making a statement. Missy Hagosloski, for one, believes Mankin should have to play the shotgun game with a grizzly bear as punishment.

“He [Mankin] took away the man created a game that entertains the world. We are talking about a hero of competition and fair play,” said Hagosloski. “A bear fight is the only way to go.”

Henrietta Oski chooses to remember Jakanoski as, “… someone who created and lived the American dream.”

Jakanoski is survived by his ex-wife, two and a half kids, a white-washed fence, and a 1992 Chrysler LeBaron.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Breaking News - Geighzing at the Stars

Petty in Nature: Singer Backs Down, Despite Previous Claims

by Jah Banni

(Creepy Tom Petty)

Gainesville, Fla. (TruthBrush) – “You can stand me up at the gates of hell … But I won’t back down.” The words of Tom Petty seem genuine enough. His actions, however, suggest otherwise.

Tom Petty has backed down. The 57-year old native of Gainesville made the decision late last week, after being triple dog dared to visit the very gates he mentions in song. Petty, who originally made the bold statement in 1989 on his album Full Moon Fever, admitted that this was not an easy decision.

“Hey, baby … there ain’t no easy way out,” said Petty.

You don’t know how it feels,” said Petty. “I’m running
down a dream
and I guess it’s wake up time. It’s just gotten to the point where … I’ve had a breakdown. I’m free falling.”

- Tom Petty

In effect the dare was a microcosm of what has caused Petty some discomfort with the statement since he first made it. The pressure of life, it seems got to the Rock and Roll hall of famer.

Petty, says that the “…world that keeps on pushing me around,” has finally won out. He warns, however, that this is not the end.

You don’t know how it feels,” said Petty. “I’m running down a dream and I guess it’s wake up time. It’s just gotten to the point where … I’ve had a breakdown. I’m free falling.”

“A lot of people say, ‘You got lucky’ and I can’t disagree. But I also tell them ‘Don’t come around here no more,’” Petty continued. “Even the losers that tell me those things know its time to move on. I am not a refugee. I am learning to fly … maybe into the great wide open. Who knows? But there is something in the air.”

And that is, of course, an airplane.

How the Wench Stole Halloween - and Why It's Cool

Girls everywhere giving new meaning to trick or treat.

Holiday SpecialEd-itorial
- yeah I'm a day late F off.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Christmas was scrumptrulescent as a kid; unless you had parents that celebrated Festivus, home schooled you, or made you listen to Raffi's or Wayne Newton's Christmas albums. But then you turned 14, and your parents let you know that Santa wasn't real. This was the beginning of the end.

Instead of buying erasers from Santa's workshop for 8 cents, suddenly you find yourself in the Gap shopping for $60 midget tank tops that you know your sisters will hate anyway. Then you turn 45 and out of the blue your family disallows you from bringing women to X-mas dinner whom you met at a techno dance club on Christmas Eve…suddenly nobody wants ecstasy for a present. Then all the kids refer to you as the "creepy uncle" who lost his leg in a knife fight.

Christmas went downhill with age. Easter was always lame. You have to go to work on July 5th. St. Patrick's Day started off irrelevant before reaching A+ status when you went to college. But there was only one holiday that has been there for you all along… yes. Halloween.

As a kid you would get candy; unless you got toothbrushes from pretentious dentists. Or maybe you were like me and lived by creepy farmers who chased you with pitchforks because grain alcohol makes a 4'6'' Frankenstein a feasible reality. Halloween was great as a kid because candy was everything; but even as you got older you still loved it, just for a different reason. Halloween evolved... it’s like the Mark Wahlberg of Holidays. (In the sense that as a kid, you loved Marky Mark's work with the Funky Bunch, but now you really appreciate his dramatic acting abilities in films like The Departed.)

Halloween is all growed up. Guys love Halloween because it is like a DMV giving us a license to dress like a total idiot and act accordingly. And it gives women free purple-reign to dress with reckless abandon. Like a "Get out of clothes free" card, they can cover themselves half as much as usual, with exactly half as much fear of judgment or scorn from other women. Everybody wins.

However, when describing costumes, some women are overstepping the adjective-boundaries. At some point, girls stopped being nurses, cops, mechanics and subway sandwich artists… and they became hot nurses, sexy cops, slutty mechanics and wanton sandwich artists (O.K. so I made the last one up… maybe I just have a thing for girls wearing hats…and covered in wilted lettuce).

The point is, it is illegal to add your own adjective. The last time I checked, beauty is in the eye of the beholder… so maybe she tells everybody she is a sexy scientist, but maybe that cold sore says she is just a scientist. I had friends in college that went out as "Slutty Mimes," but not only did they talk, they talked a lot… and they weren't promiscuous. This is false advertising. Even though girls are usually correct when adding the generous adjectives, it's still not in the girl’s jurisdiction to make this self-judgment. It is like giving oneself one's own nickname.

At some point girls decided to start wearing costumes equal in size to the ones they wore when they were 8. Women went from dressing as Barbie girls to Call girls. And who am I to stop this revolution, I am only one man. I am not complaining; I am just illustrating the point that the adjectives are unnecessary. Let other people bestow them upon you. If you want me to do it, you can find me at the bars dressed as a Hot Ogre (but which part will be the costume?).