Thursday, November 1, 2007

How the Wench Stole Halloween - and Why It's Cool

Girls everywhere giving new meaning to trick or treat.

Holiday SpecialEd-itorial
- yeah I'm a day late F off.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Christmas was scrumptrulescent as a kid; unless you had parents that celebrated Festivus, home schooled you, or made you listen to Raffi's or Wayne Newton's Christmas albums. But then you turned 14, and your parents let you know that Santa wasn't real. This was the beginning of the end.

Instead of buying erasers from Santa's workshop for 8 cents, suddenly you find yourself in the Gap shopping for $60 midget tank tops that you know your sisters will hate anyway. Then you turn 45 and out of the blue your family disallows you from bringing women to X-mas dinner whom you met at a techno dance club on Christmas Eve…suddenly nobody wants ecstasy for a present. Then all the kids refer to you as the "creepy uncle" who lost his leg in a knife fight.

Christmas went downhill with age. Easter was always lame. You have to go to work on July 5th. St. Patrick's Day started off irrelevant before reaching A+ status when you went to college. But there was only one holiday that has been there for you all along… yes. Halloween.

As a kid you would get candy; unless you got toothbrushes from pretentious dentists. Or maybe you were like me and lived by creepy farmers who chased you with pitchforks because grain alcohol makes a 4'6'' Frankenstein a feasible reality. Halloween was great as a kid because candy was everything; but even as you got older you still loved it, just for a different reason. Halloween evolved... it’s like the Mark Wahlberg of Holidays. (In the sense that as a kid, you loved Marky Mark's work with the Funky Bunch, but now you really appreciate his dramatic acting abilities in films like The Departed.)

Halloween is all growed up. Guys love Halloween because it is like a DMV giving us a license to dress like a total idiot and act accordingly. And it gives women free purple-reign to dress with reckless abandon. Like a "Get out of clothes free" card, they can cover themselves half as much as usual, with exactly half as much fear of judgment or scorn from other women. Everybody wins.

However, when describing costumes, some women are overstepping the adjective-boundaries. At some point, girls stopped being nurses, cops, mechanics and subway sandwich artists… and they became hot nurses, sexy cops, slutty mechanics and wanton sandwich artists (O.K. so I made the last one up… maybe I just have a thing for girls wearing hats…and covered in wilted lettuce).

The point is, it is illegal to add your own adjective. The last time I checked, beauty is in the eye of the beholder… so maybe she tells everybody she is a sexy scientist, but maybe that cold sore says she is just a scientist. I had friends in college that went out as "Slutty Mimes," but not only did they talk, they talked a lot… and they weren't promiscuous. This is false advertising. Even though girls are usually correct when adding the generous adjectives, it's still not in the girl’s jurisdiction to make this self-judgment. It is like giving oneself one's own nickname.

At some point girls decided to start wearing costumes equal in size to the ones they wore when they were 8. Women went from dressing as Barbie girls to Call girls. And who am I to stop this revolution, I am only one man. I am not complaining; I am just illustrating the point that the adjectives are unnecessary. Let other people bestow them upon you. If you want me to do it, you can find me at the bars dressed as a Hot Ogre (but which part will be the costume?).


Nicole said...

LOVE the shout out! :)

You guys are hysterical!

Sandy said...

Slutty mimes? YES! Last year I was a pregnant clown and this year a dirty librarian! I have to stick with my adjectives because my costumes usually suck!