Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Pirates Attack North Korean Freighter

Seriously... look at this.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Last week a North Korean freighter, the Dong Lo, sailing in the waters Northeast of Africa was overtaken by a Pirate ship. The Pirate Ship: the Sea Word, sponsored by Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, is captained by Rufio – best known as Peter Pan’s sidekick from the movie Hook.

The Sea Word fired upon the Dong with strikingly phallic deck-cannons as it pulled along side the freighter. After disabling the communication systems, Rufio and the pirates swung onto the Dong’s Poop Deck armed with swords, wooden pistols, and bad attitudes. A handful of sailors were murdered, many thrown overboard into shark-infested waters, some even without the decency of a plank. After an abbreviated struggle, the pirates conquered the Dong and held the crew captive.

Using morse code, the Sea Word transmitted a statement after the hostile takeover of the Dong; the code read,"Rufio, Rufio, Ru-Fi-Oooooooh."

The North Korean Government is furious over the incident. Kim Jong Il stated; “That freighter was carrying grass clippings, what do they think I’m going to feed my country now… steaks?”

The ships crew is manned by hundreds of authentic swashbuckling pirates, most notably, Medium Wilbur Silver: the brother of Long John Silver. Wilbur, jealous of his brother, unsuccessfully attempted to rival his brother in the fast-seafood business when he opened Medium Wilbur's Peanut-Butter and Jellyfish. Also jealous of Long John's success in the undergarment industry, Wilbur invented the fishnet stockings.

In keeping with the times, the Sea Word has also employed at least a dozen fat, sweaty cyber pirates. They are dropouts from M.I.T. who have been on the run from the law after illegally pirating upwards of 10,000 songs from the internet. The nerds are used to hack into radar, navigation and communication systems… and the grease from their faces comes in very handy for the ship’s cook.

The US Navy has teamed up on a joint task force with the long-time nemesis of Pirates – The FBI. It is widely known that the FBI has hated Pirates for many years. They have gone as far as warning pirates at the beginning of every movie. "Puffy shirts, bandanas, earrings, sailing around on a ship with a bunch of dudes… and people wonder where the term Butt-pirate came from;" Said John Walsh, host of America's Most Wanted on Fox. Fox subsequently suspended him for homophobic remarks.

Recent polls found most Americans don't believe in Pirates, but they are still very prevalent. In the late 20th century, the US Government took their currency off of the Gold Standard in an attempt to make pirates – with their perpetual thirst for gold – obsolete. But the resourceful sea-dwellers adapted by stealing music and movies as their main source of income. This is why the FBI put warnings in movies.

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