Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Donkey Punches Dole

Lawsuit Likely In Banana Wreck

by Jah Banni

(Donkey Kong - Image Courtesy of Diddy Kong)

A beloved member of the Nintendo family is facing a long recovery after suffering two broken hoofs and a cracked sternum in a nasty dust-up over the weekend. Donkey Kong, 26, was hurt Saturday when his kart struck a banana and veered off the road on a rural section of Toad’s Turnpike. Lead investigator and close friend Koopa Troopa said that Kong was lucky to be alive.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

(The section of Toad's Turnpike where Kong krashed)

“This kind of thing has to stop.”

Diddy Kong, a nephew and close confidant of Donkey Kong, believes there was foul play involved - on the part of the banana company.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

- Koopa Troopa

“I don’t think there is any doubt the banana company has shown gross negligence in this case,” said an obviously shaken Diddy Kong. “We have been seeing this very same incident repeated over and over for the past 15 years. It was one thing when people like my Uncle and Yoshi and Toad were on the track doing it for the entertainment of others, but we are seeing an increased amount of banana related accidents and something has to change.”

Donkey Kong’s racing past, including repeat appearances in the Mushroom, Flower, Star and Special Cups could not prevent the accident, something his nephew also blames on the Banana producer.

“The bananas, they are actually grown strictly to blow up the hovering balloons on the side of the karts we drive. How many corporations can say they produce something strictly to hurt the way of life of the public? Apparently only Dole,” said the angry younger Kong.

“It is early, but the odds of a lawsuit are high. We need to sit down as a family with Uncle Donkey and our team of lawyers and decide where to go from here.”

Donkey Kong was not racing, nor dueling, at the time of his accident. According to Koopa Troopa he was on his way home from Dr. Mario’s office, ironically hauling a large load of barrels in his kart, when the banana positioned itself just onto the road near a bend in Toad’s Turnpike. After the wreck, Kong was returned to Doc Mario’s office where he was treated and sent home to rest.

Representatives from Dole told The Truth Brush they would have no comment on the incident.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Suicide Rates Skyrocketing Amongst Terrorists

By: Eamon Conway
Truthbrush Middle-East and Middle-North Poorespondent

Gaza Strip -- Alex "Ali" Rodriguez, A 17-year-old Suicide Bomber, detonated himself Monday in a crowded market in a heavily Jewish settlement. Fortunately, there were absolutely no fatalities and even zero reported injuries. Unfortunately for the Terrorist, his evil plot actually supplied quite the dramatically opposite effect. He failed to inflict any harm – other than his own – but did manage to provide a breathtaking fireworks show for all of the intended victims.

“It was awesome, it was like a really cool light show with gore and brains and guts too. It was like Saw IV combined with a Michael Bay action movie. It had explosions, lights, sounds, blood, gore and body parts.” Said a 15 year old witness.

The act was the latest of an increasing trend of suicide within the terrorist communities of Palestine and Iraq. The suicide rate, especially amongst teenage-terrorists, has been rising dramatically of late.

“If these kids don’t stop killing themselves, we're not going to have anyone left to blow themselves up.” Said Hammas Leader George Steinbrenner.

Rodriguez exhibited all of the signs. He had recently given away his prized possessions like his Miley Cyrus albums and Nike Air-Jihad Sandals. After being picked on by other students at T.I. – The Terrorism Institue - Rodriguez began listening to Emo bands like Camelboard Confessional. He wallowed in self pity, and convinced himself that his life was indeed harder than everyone else on the planet… including all poverty-stricken children, even those who lived within his village.

Terrorist leaders are very disturbed by the development of losing some of their youngest members; and are searching for explanations. They have launched a full scale investigation into the matter; discovering a suspicious trend among the suicide notes, which they think may lead them to someone upon whom to place the blame.

A leader identifying himself as Ayatollah Bob said: “We think we have found the person responsible for these suicides, and we think it is Allah.”

“We discovered a common theme within the suicide notes, most of them have been written “In the name of Allah or Mohammed”. It appears to be a cryptic message, and we believe that Allah and Mohammed may have returned to Earth as a rap or heavy metal group, and are telling kids to kill themselves.

“They are doing this through music… This is all reminiscent of the 80’s in Great Satan [America] when many kids offed themselves and quoted Ozzy Osborne lyrics in suicide notes.

“These kids are being influenced by music and television. This is the Devil…the Infidels are invading our culture through technology to corrupt our youth and disrupt our Jihad. We need to find the bands responsible for this, even if it is our Prophet Mohammed, and issue a Fatwah [death sentence] to hunt them down to stop them from killing our children. We will blow them up by sending children in with bombs strapped to them.”

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Band of Drummers

Election May be in the Bag ... Pipe?

By Jah Banni

Des Moines, Iowa - The 2008 Presidential Election debate tour is heating up the airwaves and the potential candidates alike. According to one man, however, all of this effort may prove to be more futile than a rock concert for the deaf. Tron Boan, leader of the League of American Marching Band Society believes the election has, in fact, already been decided.

“When the song ends,” says Boan, 54, “the L.A.M.B.S. will have decided the next leader of the free world.”

If Boan comes off as brazenly prophetic, it is by design.

“I am the leader of the L.A.M.B.S., what amounts to a nationwide high school band,” the sinewy L.A.M.B.S. leader boats. “I have, at the least 100,000 high school bands with approximately 80 kids in each band at my disposal. This means I have approximately 8 hundred billion young people to vote for the same person.”

While Boan’s math is only somewhat accurate, his premise is played at the perfect pitch. At least one political analyst, Dunville F. Wasp, agrees.

“High school bands are the single greatest voting power in the United States. There are just so many of them. On top of that, they break down race, religion, and class barriers,” said Wasp. “They own the vote in their respective schools and never, ever vote against the majority.”

This much we know. 98.3% of all important high school elections either go to band members or people the band supports. Evidence of this can be seen from a lawsuit filed late last week in Bethesda, Md. In the suit, the family of Michelle Endaygay Ochello asserts the band fixed a vote for Homecoming Queen, taking away the win from their “more popular and beautiful” daughter. The winner, not surprisingly was Louise Nastay, a junior tuba player in the marching band. The suit, while currently unsettled, represents a microcosm of the power marching bands have in America.

Others have also questioned recent results in democratically decided votes. For instance, the new Boulder, Col. Police Chief is 16 year old Michael Steinowitz, formerly a flutist in his high school band. Mandy Frenkel, 18, recently left her post as trumpeter in the Dade County High School band to accept a position as President and CEO of Disney Corp. Wasp believes this trend will continue.

“I think in the future we will see marching bands making almost every important decision in this country,” said Wasp. “Only since they started playing Tron Boan’s song have they truly harnessed their potential.”

The boastful Boan believes people will realize soon enough how hard it will be to silence the L.A.M.B.S. With the current requirements to become President, Boan realizes it will be impossible to have a high school band member elected to the position, but already knows who they will vote for.

“It rhymes with Britt Homney,” laughed Boan.

If Boan is correct, the world will soon be playing his song.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Soulja Boy Declares War on Enjoyable Hip-hop

Promoted to Jeneral, the rapper also takes on Terrorism

By: Eamon Conway Truthbrush Music / War Poorespondent

Covert plans were revealed by the government about the war on terror that might help to explain the strange and improbable rise of Soulja Boy’s music career. Scratch that… sound career.

President Bush, seeking advice from new sources for the war on terror, met with the wisest of all mortal soothsayers: the unfaltering tutor of the Fresh Prince - Uncle Phil. During the meeting, Uncle Phil (actor James Avery) told Bush; “Unless you can find Superman, this war is going to drag on forever.”

President Bush sought out Superman, but was informed by Marvel Comics that Superman was in fact a fictional character. The government then sought out the next best thing: Soulja Boy. Bush said: "I've heard this song, I don't know how he managed to turn Superman into a verb, but I like it. He has done a great job Supermanning garden tools, now he's going to superman the terrorists." With that, Soulja Boy was promoted to Jeneral Boy, and formally placed in charge of implementing the War on Terror.
"It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it"
- C.I.A. Agent, Calvin Brodus

In his debriefing of the CIA and the Military, Jeneral Boy laid out his blueprint to revive the war on Terror. "If I can make the worst music ever created, and get all of mainstream America to buy into it, I can make our country so unbearable that even terrorists will refuse to visit long enough to bomb us. I will win the war by starting a new one… the war on hip-hop.”

Soulja Boy released Crank That. A train-wreck of an 8 second aimless steel-drum beat underneath a chanting hook and repetitive lyrics that were written by Chief Mongoloid, a Native American Chief with a severe speech impediment. What resulted was 8 seconds of mindless chanting over steel-drums repeated over and over for 4 minutes. The song was completely created and recorded in 11 minutes.

“This song will leave the same mark on music that McDonald’s left on American Cuisine… and health;” said Jeneral Boy.

With that, the government commanded MTV and BET to push Crank That as a hot song. CIA Agent Calvin Brodus said; “This song is so terrible that we were very apprehensive about Operation Crank That. We couldn’t believe that people were actually buying it as a legit song. It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it.”

Operation Crank That has been a rousing success. The song rocketed to #1 on the billboard hit list. White kids everywhere are blasting it out of their parents SUV’s. It is ubiquitous in bars and clubs. The number of Americans who can locate Canada on a globe is currently lower than the number of Americans who know the Superman Dance. There have been zero terrorist attacks in this time span.

“I thought the CD player was broken and it just kept skipping.” Said Lou Diamond Phillips, an actor of absolutely no relevance to this story.

Jeneral Boy has his sights set next on the War in Iraq. He outlined plans to “Supaman Iraqi Culture” by infesting it with his new single. “Once they hear this song, the insurgents will immediately become so stupid that they won’t be able to operate a Rocket-Propelled-Grenade or detonate a bomb. The country will be Terrorist-free by the time I hit #1 over there.”

Unfortunately, without white kids, it looks unlikely that the song will catch on in Iraq.

Jeneral Boy also enlisted the likes of D4L, the Shop Boyz and Dem Franchize Boyz with the aim to flood American Culture with “ATL crunk” hip-hop. A form of noise originating from Atlanta - heavy on chanting and repetition, light on lyrics, and completely devoid of thought or aesthetically pleasing sound. As well as overrunning the airwaves with mind-numbing noise, these groups also plan to completely remove the letter S from the English language.

“Why uze an S when you can just make a grammatical error and look cool?” Asked Young Jeezy (The Snowman). “It’s all about the Z now. We’re bringing back Zorro to fight these Terrorist [expletive]s.

“He’s a brilliant General, but having the word soul in his name was an embarrassment to African-American music in general.” Said the recently deceased Godfather of Soul, James Brown - speaking through his interpreter from the other side: Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Brown also showed that Jeneral Boy has indeed won the war on Hip-hop by confirming that Rap is in fact dead, and was murdered by Fergie when she joined the Black Eyed Peas and ruined the group.