Friday, December 14, 2007

Suicide Rates Skyrocketing Amongst Terrorists

By: Eamon Conway
Truthbrush Middle-East and Middle-North Poorespondent

Gaza Strip -- Alex "Ali" Rodriguez, A 17-year-old Suicide Bomber, detonated himself Monday in a crowded market in a heavily Jewish settlement. Fortunately, there were absolutely no fatalities and even zero reported injuries. Unfortunately for the Terrorist, his evil plot actually supplied quite the dramatically opposite effect. He failed to inflict any harm – other than his own – but did manage to provide a breathtaking fireworks show for all of the intended victims.

“It was awesome, it was like a really cool light show with gore and brains and guts too. It was like Saw IV combined with a Michael Bay action movie. It had explosions, lights, sounds, blood, gore and body parts.” Said a 15 year old witness.

The act was the latest of an increasing trend of suicide within the terrorist communities of Palestine and Iraq. The suicide rate, especially amongst teenage-terrorists, has been rising dramatically of late.

“If these kids don’t stop killing themselves, we're not going to have anyone left to blow themselves up.” Said Hammas Leader George Steinbrenner.

Rodriguez exhibited all of the signs. He had recently given away his prized possessions like his Miley Cyrus albums and Nike Air-Jihad Sandals. After being picked on by other students at T.I. – The Terrorism Institue - Rodriguez began listening to Emo bands like Camelboard Confessional. He wallowed in self pity, and convinced himself that his life was indeed harder than everyone else on the planet… including all poverty-stricken children, even those who lived within his village.

Terrorist leaders are very disturbed by the development of losing some of their youngest members; and are searching for explanations. They have launched a full scale investigation into the matter; discovering a suspicious trend among the suicide notes, which they think may lead them to someone upon whom to place the blame.

A leader identifying himself as Ayatollah Bob said: “We think we have found the person responsible for these suicides, and we think it is Allah.”

“We discovered a common theme within the suicide notes, most of them have been written “In the name of Allah or Mohammed”. It appears to be a cryptic message, and we believe that Allah and Mohammed may have returned to Earth as a rap or heavy metal group, and are telling kids to kill themselves.

“They are doing this through music… This is all reminiscent of the 80’s in Great Satan [America] when many kids offed themselves and quoted Ozzy Osborne lyrics in suicide notes.

“These kids are being influenced by music and television. This is the Devil…the Infidels are invading our culture through technology to corrupt our youth and disrupt our Jihad. We need to find the bands responsible for this, even if it is our Prophet Mohammed, and issue a Fatwah [death sentence] to hunt them down to stop them from killing our children. We will blow them up by sending children in with bombs strapped to them.”

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