Monday, December 3, 2007

Soulja Boy Declares War on Enjoyable Hip-hop

Promoted to Jeneral, the rapper also takes on Terrorism

By: Eamon Conway Truthbrush Music / War Poorespondent

Covert plans were revealed by the government about the war on terror that might help to explain the strange and improbable rise of Soulja Boy’s music career. Scratch that… sound career.

President Bush, seeking advice from new sources for the war on terror, met with the wisest of all mortal soothsayers: the unfaltering tutor of the Fresh Prince - Uncle Phil. During the meeting, Uncle Phil (actor James Avery) told Bush; “Unless you can find Superman, this war is going to drag on forever.”

President Bush sought out Superman, but was informed by Marvel Comics that Superman was in fact a fictional character. The government then sought out the next best thing: Soulja Boy. Bush said: "I've heard this song, I don't know how he managed to turn Superman into a verb, but I like it. He has done a great job Supermanning garden tools, now he's going to superman the terrorists." With that, Soulja Boy was promoted to Jeneral Boy, and formally placed in charge of implementing the War on Terror.
"It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it"
- C.I.A. Agent, Calvin Brodus

In his debriefing of the CIA and the Military, Jeneral Boy laid out his blueprint to revive the war on Terror. "If I can make the worst music ever created, and get all of mainstream America to buy into it, I can make our country so unbearable that even terrorists will refuse to visit long enough to bomb us. I will win the war by starting a new one… the war on hip-hop.”

Soulja Boy released Crank That. A train-wreck of an 8 second aimless steel-drum beat underneath a chanting hook and repetitive lyrics that were written by Chief Mongoloid, a Native American Chief with a severe speech impediment. What resulted was 8 seconds of mindless chanting over steel-drums repeated over and over for 4 minutes. The song was completely created and recorded in 11 minutes.

“This song will leave the same mark on music that McDonald’s left on American Cuisine… and health;” said Jeneral Boy.

With that, the government commanded MTV and BET to push Crank That as a hot song. CIA Agent Calvin Brodus said; “This song is so terrible that we were very apprehensive about Operation Crank That. We couldn’t believe that people were actually buying it as a legit song. It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it.”

Operation Crank That has been a rousing success. The song rocketed to #1 on the billboard hit list. White kids everywhere are blasting it out of their parents SUV’s. It is ubiquitous in bars and clubs. The number of Americans who can locate Canada on a globe is currently lower than the number of Americans who know the Superman Dance. There have been zero terrorist attacks in this time span.

“I thought the CD player was broken and it just kept skipping.” Said Lou Diamond Phillips, an actor of absolutely no relevance to this story.

Jeneral Boy has his sights set next on the War in Iraq. He outlined plans to “Supaman Iraqi Culture” by infesting it with his new single. “Once they hear this song, the insurgents will immediately become so stupid that they won’t be able to operate a Rocket-Propelled-Grenade or detonate a bomb. The country will be Terrorist-free by the time I hit #1 over there.”

Unfortunately, without white kids, it looks unlikely that the song will catch on in Iraq.

Jeneral Boy also enlisted the likes of D4L, the Shop Boyz and Dem Franchize Boyz with the aim to flood American Culture with “ATL crunk” hip-hop. A form of noise originating from Atlanta - heavy on chanting and repetition, light on lyrics, and completely devoid of thought or aesthetically pleasing sound. As well as overrunning the airwaves with mind-numbing noise, these groups also plan to completely remove the letter S from the English language.

“Why uze an S when you can just make a grammatical error and look cool?” Asked Young Jeezy (The Snowman). “It’s all about the Z now. We’re bringing back Zorro to fight these Terrorist [expletive]s.

“He’s a brilliant General, but having the word soul in his name was an embarrassment to African-American music in general.” Said the recently deceased Godfather of Soul, James Brown - speaking through his interpreter from the other side: Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Brown also showed that Jeneral Boy has indeed won the war on Hip-hop by confirming that Rap is in fact dead, and was murdered by Fergie when she joined the Black Eyed Peas and ruined the group.

1 comment:

Nicole said...

This is by far my favorite post so far; you guys are hysterical! :) ~Nicole~