Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Media Watch: (S)whine Flu

Above: The Media (Photo Courtesy of the Zoo Productions)

JahBanni - Opinion-budsman

Remember high school? Most of you probably do unless you had severe, uncontrollable drug problems that ripped your life apart by the seams and caused you irreparable damage. If you are one of those people, then this will be news to you. However, the rest of us can recall at least one time when you heard an unsubstantiated rumor become so far fetched and far reaching that people in neighboring schools really believed that you used to collect the wrappers from Klondike bars to ultimately melt them down into their purest silver form in a get rich or fat quick scheme. Maybe. But you can at least appreciate the work that goes into a rumor like that, which was obviously just a rumor because who would really do that?

Now, in present day/physically grown up terms, we must realize that the media is basically spreading a similar type of rumor on a global scale. For the record, I believe that “media” is in actuality a gigantic duckbilled platypus that wears Keds which have little lights in the heel, and presides over a board of directors of the major media conglomerates from an oversized bean bag chair in the hollowed out back of a Ford Econoline just outside of Boca Raton, Fla. That is just my rationalization as to why a group of people charged with keeping the general public informed on current events have completely lost touch with reality and promoted the swine flu with such fervor. That can be the only reason that otherwise intelligent people would possibly be so dumb. Platypus law.

A quick look at the facts tells us that swine flu comes from pigs and is easily controlled with treatment. A quick look at the news and you would think that 84% of the people on earth are infected and the 16% who remain unaffected are in danger of airborne infection. The reports of the first death in the United States from swine flu was in actuality a young Mexican boy who had come across the border seeking treatment, albeit too late. However, that fact was lost on the headline writers who proclaimed it as the first confirmed US death from swine flu.

In general, the media seems less interested in actually reporting the facts and more interested in creating hysteria. Hysteria leads to panic, panic leads to more provocative interviews, and such interviews lead to ratings. Ratings lead to advertising dollars and those dollars lead to fleet purchases of Ford Econolines. The platypus is devious and wise.

Platypus Media Translation regarding the swine flu: Swine flu, in fact, was developed by terrorists who hate babies and church. Its effects can be felt on the moon by space people, known as speople. These speople are owned and operated by gigantic corporations who only want to put mom and pop shops out of business and look to create monopolies that take advantage of the masses. These corporations have been working with the terrorists in an effort to carry out their plan. And it’s working. In platypus terms, the flu starts by attacking your feet and completely removing them from your body. It then gives you horrible diarrhea of the ear, and your elbows spontaneously combust. At this point you have only minutes to live. In those minutes you are attacked by a bear, get a migraine, and actually vomit up your clavicle. It is a fearsome disease that cannot be stopped. Ever.

Don’t let the facts get in the way, oh great platypus. Just keep feeding the beast. I’m getting another Klondike.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Report: Evidence of Steroid Use Among Biblical Elite

(David, pre-battle. Courtesy of Moses Inc., BC)

Egypt, Egypt (AP) – When David defeated Goliath during a battle between the Philistines and the Israelites, the biblical writer Samuel likely was struck by how miraculous a victory had been won by the future King of Israel. A relatively unknown soldier, David was smallish in comparison to Goliath, who stood either 6’7 or 9’6 depending on the account. His win over the Philistine became fodder for every underdog movie since, and eventually led to his being crowned King of Israel. In his new book, however, Moses claims that David used performance enhancing drugs during his training leading up to the battle. The yet to be released book, entitled “Biblical Bull: The New Test…osterone,” details this and other accounts of possible steroid use during religion’s early years.

“I feel this is the right time to come out with this information,” said Moses, at least 2009 years old at the time of this writing. “Given the stormy weather experienced by this generation’s baseball stars, I think the time is right to shed some light on a darker side…well maybe just a slightly darker side of religion. Given that every war seems to be fought in its name, you can’t really call this the ‘dark’ side.”

In the book, Moses alleges that David was warned by Saul weeks in advance of his impending battle with the giant, or just tall, Philistine warrior. Saul, who apparently only knew David through his cousin Yitzhak, the local butcher, had wagered heavily on the Israelites in the upcoming war and was prepared to do whatever it took to win the bet. Moses claims Saul contacted Greg Andersonberg, a local Bethlehem trainer and Dominican cousin of David, to provide the young soldier with HGH.

“David knew what was going on, but kept telling friends that his rapid weight gain was from a gefilte fish diet and lots of pushups,” says Moses, from his Hollywood Hills home. “He was in denial. He just wanted to win so badly, he was willing to sell his soul to the … well I won’t go that far, but he made a decision that he would be very ashamed of if he was still alive.”

David died in 970 BC, over 2,900 years ago, but he did win. Scientists estimate the speed of the rock he hurled into Goliath’s forehead to be somewhere around 217 mph. The force with which he beheaded the giant, or average sized basketball player, is estimated to have been enough to cut directly to the core of the earth.

Moses claims that steroid testing was not a typical practice at the time, so its use may have been more widespread than even He knows. Moses and God have not spoken in 50 years, since Moses first approached Him about the idea of a tell all.

“God wasn’t too excited about the idea, but if we’re all about telling the truth, then let’s tell it, you know? I mean this is confession on a global scale,” said Moses. “I did His bidding for a long time to help get Christianity to where he wanted it to be, and I was a bit hurt that he wasn’t behind me when it came time for me to get mines.”

With God refusing to give his blessing, Moses turned to every single publishing executive on Earth. Everyone of them offered immediately.

“The deal came together pretty quickly. Honestly, I changed a commandment just to make it happen, but I got this sick house and a Maybach in the car-port.”

In his book, Moses also admits to his own steroid use.

“I parted the Red Sea. Do you realize how ripped out of your mind you have to be to do that? Yes, I took HGH, testosterone, horse tranquilizers, tyrannosaurus-rex hormones, diuretics, the rub, the clear, the slightly off colored clear rub, and adamantium enhancers. Have you ever attempted to hold off billions of gallons of water on either side of you?”

This rampant steroid use doesn’t surprise the ironically named atheist leader Christian Curran.
“Some of the crazy things talked about in the bible and other religious texts are pretty obviously either farcical or only completed with use of PED’s. No wonder Moses and God no longer talk,” said Curran.

The true reason may not be known, but Moses has hinted that God may have been on PED’s when he rained fire and brimstone on the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorra.

“I’m not ready to say that. But read between the biblical verse,” said Moses.

The Vatican has already reacted, quickly forming a task force in conjunction with the U.N. to unmask all previous PED users in religious history. Leaders from most of the world’s religions have already been called to testify, and the star witness, Moses himself (no relation to Raab), is scheduled to testify next Wednesday.

“I didn’t mean for this to create such a firestorm,” said Moses, sipping a Mojito. “I was really just looking to come clean to the billions of people who follow religion. Also, I will be boxing Willie Ames, the guy who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge, next week in Burbank.”

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wal-Mart Announces Bailout of U.S. Economy

Company will open doors Sunday AM and allow stampeding crowds to fight over currency, will also cut jobs in highly controversial manner

by Aimin' for Failure

Washington, D.C. -- (TruthBrush) Wal-Mart Stores Inc (WMT- Fortune 500) announced a capital infusion into the besieged U.S. Economy on Wednesday. In an unprecedented measure, the retail giant will become an actual shareholder in the United States.

In a press conference in front of the White House Press Corp, CEO Michael T. Duke issued some plans for the bailout. It appears that the company will be applying its tried and tested business model; “Wal-Mart will close stores down on Friday night at 11 PM. This will allow large throngs of people to gather outside of stores and fight for the cash once the doors open at 7 AM Saturday.” The statement was greeted with an immediate hysteria.

“As we move into the business of Government for the first time, we seek to integrate our business practices into our new industry… and quite frankly, nothing is more American than people literally killing each other for underpriced consumer goods.” Duke announced.

It appears that the recession has also taken a toll on the retail giant, and Duke also announced the company’s ultra-controversial plan to cut-back jobs. Rather than facing large costs of paying unemployment to laid-off “associates” (White-trash for “not-associates”), the company will – quite literally – downsize by attrition.

“We estimate that somewhere between 3,000 and 4,500 employees will be killed by stampeding capitalists on Saturday morning. We estimate that a large percentage of the deaths will be ‘Greeters.’ As this position is largely dominated by the elderly, this will save Wal-Mart countless millions of dollars in retirement and pension costs,” Duke announced. The plan is very controversial on the heels of a Long Island employee’s death on Black Friday.

Duke did not stop there; “On top of the 4,500 employees, our analysts estimate that somewhere around 7,513 shoppers will actually be killed by other bailout seekers that day; be it by stampede or bludgeoning by blunt objects, such as the Chrome Floor Lamp: on sale for $12.95! Saturday Only!!”

“Wal Mart is a bottom-line corporation. We get things done. Recessions mean that there are too many people and not enough money. Well, not only are we adding more money to America, we’re actually going to be subtracting some Americans.”

“James Carville likes to describe Government as a cut-throat business… but we actually prefer to just crush people”.

Wal-Mart has long established a system of success by selling bulk-purchased merchandise at a loss in order to run mom-and-pop community businesses bankrupt; at which point they raise prices to attain profits. The company plans to apply the same strategy in the Government market by offering products and currency at a cut rate. This will drive up inflation and devalue the actual American Dollar, forcing the U.S Treasury into foreclosure.

"...not only are we adding more money to America, we're actually going to be subtracting some Americans"

“We plan to put the Treasury Reserves and U.S. Mint out of business. Once the Dollar is devalued, we can start our own currency - The WalMark, at which point we will begin can start buying foreign countries,” said Duke.

Citizens hoping for action had better prepare to be disappointed, as the bailout includes Wal-Mart controlling partial interests in the F.B.I. and S.E.C.