Saturday, March 27, 2010

Tickle Me...Biden? Government Worried Over New Epidemic


Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned from public office the first week in March amid speculation that he groped and tickled unsuspecting male staff members. At that time, much was made of his indiscretions as well as his substantially less than air tight reasoning for his resignation. In a period of three short days Massa blamed his health, the Democratic Party’s vendetta against him, and his own “salty language” for his resignation, ultimately causing many to wonder if he suffered short term memory loss or had decided to hire a “Jersey Shore” cast member as his PR rep. At the same time, however, many members of the government were worrying about a far more pressing consequence of the accusations made against Massa: the growing epidemic of man tickling in our governing bodies.

“Eric Massa is NOT the only person we know of that has engaged in gratuitous tickling of other men within the United States government,” said Fletcher Pearson, Special Advisor to the Special Advisor to the President. “And if we are not careful, this could get out of hand.”

Pearson is monitoring tickling situations all over the U.S., and even the world, at low levels of government looking to head off a potential public backlash. He estimates that 10 to 15 Senators have been warned just this month regarding their fast hands on male staff members.

“These Senators are a happy-go-lucky group,” says Pearson. “When they randomly start grabbing the sides of their male staffers and licking the sides of their faces, to them it is a show of camaraderie that they learned to do in the Navy where nobody could possibly be gay. You know? But that doesn’t mean public perception will see it that way.”

Congress and the Senate are where most of the accusations have occurred so far, but that could be changing quickly. Even the highest corners of the government are not immune to the rumors of man on man tickling. The internet is abuzz amid speculation that Vice President Joe Biden’s not so subtle use of an obscenity to President Obama last week was in fact a follow up to a conversation about tickling, and not the landmark Healthcare Bill. That would be a big f-cking deal.

“I can’t say much, but it had nothing to do with the bill,” said a White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous. “Apparently Biden caught wind of an accusation against him from one of (Nancy) Pelosi’s people saying that Biden had ‘goosed’ him on his way out of the West Wing’s Mexican Cantina.”

Neither Biden nor his representatives would comment for this story, but the White House could be under fire from more than just overly angry Conservatives in the near future. Pearson fears that this could be a full blown epidemic if it is not put to rest soon.

“We are really seeing a large increase in the number of tickle and groping related accusations. It could spread like wildfire if we don’t do something. It could, if we are not careful, bring down the government. And possibly the world.”

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Healthcare Bill Returning Quick Results: Fat, Angry White Protestors Burning Calories at Record Rates

Corpulent Conservatives Conned into Conditioning

by: Aimin' for Failure

As irate, fat white people marched upon Washington to protest the universal health care bill, President Obama revealed the aim of the bill: to get irate, fat white people to march upon Washington and get some exercise.

In July of 2009, Barack Obama sat down with his most trusted health guru, Dr. Julius T. Pepper, to address the epidemic of surging health care costs. Dr. Pepper revealed the projected list for causes of death in America in the year 2020. Upon noticing that the top two killers will be obesity and stress-related heart failure, a plan was devised by the President.

“We did about 2 to 7 seconds of intense research to determine that exercise is the cure for both of these pandemics. However, it turns out that the only way to get Americans to exercise is by chasing them or casting them on The Biggest Loser. Well, we don’t have enough money to offer everyone a million to jump on a nordic track; and we couldn’t find anybody to chase the fat people... because ‘running’ was in the job description. The only remaining motivator was anger.” said the president.

The president borrowed a tactic that was stumbled upon by the Bush Administration. Results of scientific studies performed by The Electoral College revealed sharp declines in the weight of hippies during the Bush Presidency. It was discovered that the weight loss was the direct result of mass protesting.

Mr. Obama stated, "Look, these people are so chubby, and so furious, that they really need to burn off some steam. By passing a universal health care bill, I knew that I could count on Glen Beck to freak out and scare them into such a frothy anger that they would accidentally work out by stampeding Washington to protest... what’s that? oh, I shouldn’t have used stampede? Sorry... Marching."

“The cost of healthcare is ballooning, and the ballooning of Americans will be the #1 corpulent culprit. We needed to nip this in the bud. We estimate that this marching will proactively save our taxpayers trillions in obesity and stress related care."

No word yet on Rush Limbaugh living up to his promise to leave the country, which projects to save Americans millions on his Oxycodone addiction and subsequent perennial heart attack treatment.