Healthcare Bill Returning Quick Results: Fat, Angry White Protestors Burning Calories at Record Rates

Corpulent Conservatives Conned into Conditioning

by: Aimin' for Failure

As irate, fat white people marched upon Washington to protest the universal health care bill, President Obama revealed the aim of the bill: to get irate, fat white people to march upon Washington and get some exercise.

In July of 2009, Barack Obama sat down with his most trusted health guru, Dr. Julius T. Pepper, to address the epidemic of surging health care costs. Dr. Pepper revealed the projected list for causes of death in America in the year 2020. Upon noticing that the top two killers will be obesity and stress-related heart failure, a plan was devised by the President.

“We did about 2 to 7 seconds of intense research to determine that exercise is the cure for both of these pandemics. However, it turns out that the only way to get Americans to exercise is by chasing them or casting them on The Biggest Loser. Well, we don’t have enough money to offer everyone a million to jump on a nordic track; and we couldn’t find anybody to chase the fat people... because ‘running’ was in the job description. The only remaining motivator was anger.” said the president.

The president borrowed a tactic that was stumbled upon by the Bush Administration. Results of scientific studies performed by The Electoral College revealed sharp declines in the weight of hippies during the Bush Presidency. It was discovered that the weight loss was the direct result of mass protesting.

Mr. Obama stated, "Look, these people are so chubby, and so furious, that they really need to burn off some steam. By passing a universal health care bill, I knew that I could count on Glen Beck to freak out and scare them into such a frothy anger that they would accidentally work out by stampeding Washington to protest... what’s that? oh, I shouldn’t have used stampede? Sorry... Marching."

“The cost of healthcare is ballooning, and the ballooning of Americans will be the #1 corpulent culprit. We needed to nip this in the bud. We estimate that this marching will proactively save our taxpayers trillions in obesity and stress related care."

No word yet on Rush Limbaugh living up to his promise to leave the country, which projects to save Americans millions on his Oxycodone addiction and subsequent perennial heart attack treatment.