JahBanni - Opinion-budsman
Remember high school? Most of you probably do unless you had severe, uncontrollable drug problems that ripped your life apart by the seams and caused you irreparable damage. If you are one of those people, then this will be news to you. However, the rest of us can recall at least one time when you heard an unsubstantiated rumor become so far fetched and far reaching that people in neighboring schools really believed that you used to collect the wrappers from Klondike bars to ultimately melt them down into their purest silver form in a get rich or fat quick scheme. Maybe. But you can at least appreciate the work that goes into a rumor like that, which was obviously just a rumor because who would really do that?
Now, in present day/physically grown up terms, we must realize that the media is basically spreading a similar type of rumor on a global scale. For the record, I believe that “media” is in actuality a gigantic duckbilled platypus that wears Keds which have little lights in the heel, and presides over a board of directors of the major media conglomerates from an oversized bean bag chair in the hollowed out back of a Ford Econoline just outside of Boca Raton, Fla. That is just my rationalization as to why a group of people charged with keeping the general public informed on current events have completely lost touch with reality and promoted the swine flu with such fervor. That can be the only reason that otherwise intelligent people would possibly be so dumb. Platypus law.
A quick look at the facts tells us that swine flu comes from pigs and is easily controlled with treatment. A quick look at the news and you would think that 84% of the people on earth are infected and the 16% who remain unaffected are in danger of airborne infection. The reports of the first death in the United States from swine flu was in actuality a young Mexican boy who had come across the border seeking treatment, albeit too late. However, that fact was lost on the headline writers who proclaimed it as the first confirmed US death from swine flu.
In general, the media seems less interested in actually reporting the facts and more interested in creating hysteria. Hysteria leads to panic, panic leads to more provocative interviews, and such interviews lead to ratings. Ratings lead to advertising dollars and those dollars lead to fleet purchases of Ford Econolines. The platypus is devious and wise.
Platypus Media Translation regarding the swine flu: Swine flu, in fact, was developed by terrorists who hate babies and church. Its effects can be felt on the moon by space people, known as speople. These speople are owned and operated by gigantic corporations who only want to put mom and pop shops out of business and look to create monopolies that take advantage of the masses. These corporations have been working with the terrorists in an effort to carry out their plan. And it’s working. In platypus terms, the flu starts by attacking your feet and completely removing them from your body. It then gives you horrible diarrhea of the ear, and your elbows spontaneously combust. At this point you have only minutes to live. In those minutes you are attacked by a bear, get a migraine, and actually vomit up your clavicle. It is a fearsome disease that cannot be stopped. Ever.
Don’t let the facts get in the way, oh great platypus. Just keep feeding the beast. I’m getting another Klondike.