Egypt, Egypt (AP) – When David defeated Goliath during a battle between the Philistines and the Israelites, the biblical writer Samuel likely was struck by how miraculous a victory had been won by the future King of Israel. A relatively unknown soldier, David was smallish in comparison to Goliath, who stood either 6’7 or 9’6 depending on the account. His win over the Philistine became fodder for every underdog movie since, and eventually led to his being crowned King of Israel. In his new book, however, Moses claims that David used performance enhancing drugs during his training leading up to the battle. The yet to be released book, entitled “Biblical Bull: The New Test…osterone,” details this and other accounts of possible steroid use during religion’s early years.
“I feel this is the right time to come out with this information,” said Moses, at least 2009 years old at the time of this writing. “Given the stormy weather experienced by this generation’s baseball stars, I think the time is right to shed some light on a darker side…well maybe just a slightly darker side of religion. Given that every war seems to be fought in its name, you can’t really call this the ‘dark’ side.”
In the book, Moses alleges that David was warned by Saul weeks in advance of his impending battle with the giant, or just tall, Philistine warrior. Saul, who apparently only knew David through his cousin Yitzhak, the local butcher, had wagered heavily on the Israelites in the upcoming war and was prepared to do whatever it took to win the bet. Moses claims Saul contacted Greg Andersonberg, a local Bethlehem trainer and Dominican cousin of David, to provide the young soldier with HGH.
“David knew what was going on, but kept telling friends that his rapid weight gain was from a gefilte fish diet and lots of pushups,” says Moses, from his Hollywood Hills home. “He was in denial. He just wanted to win so badly, he was willing to sell his soul to the … well I won’t go that far, but he made a decision that he would be very ashamed of if he was still alive.”
David died in 970 BC, over 2,900 years ago, but he did win. Scientists estimate the speed of the rock he hurled into Goliath’s forehead to be somewhere around 217 mph. The force with which he beheaded the giant, or average sized basketball player, is estimated to have been enough to cut directly to the core of the earth.
Moses claims that steroid testing was not a typical practice at the time, so its use may have been more widespread than even He knows. Moses and God have not spoken in 50 years, since Moses first approached Him about the idea of a tell all.
“God wasn’t too excited about the idea, but if we’re all about telling the truth, then let’s tell it, you know? I mean this is confession on a global scale,” said Moses. “I did His bidding for a long time to help get Christianity to where he wanted it to be, and I was a bit hurt that he wasn’t behind me when it came time for me to get mines.”
With God refusing to give his blessing, Moses turned to every single publishing executive on Earth. Everyone of them offered immediately.
“The deal came together pretty quickly. Honestly, I changed a commandment just to make it happen, but I got this sick house and a Maybach in the car-port.”
In his book, Moses also admits to his own steroid use.
“I parted the Red Sea. Do you realize how ripped out of your mind you have to be to do that? Yes, I took HGH, testosterone, horse tranquilizers, tyrannosaurus-rex hormones, diuretics, the rub, the clear, the slightly off colored clear rub, and adamantium enhancers. Have you ever attempted to hold off billions of gallons of water on either side of you?”
This rampant steroid use doesn’t surprise the ironically named atheist leader Christian Curran.
“Some of the crazy things talked about in the bible and other religious texts are pretty obviously either farcical or only completed with use of PED’s. No wonder Moses and God no longer talk,” said Curran.
The true reason may not be known, but Moses has hinted that God may have been on PED’s when he rained fire and brimstone on the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorra.
“I’m not ready to say that. But read between the biblical verse,” said Moses.
The Vatican has already reacted, quickly forming a task force in conjunction with the U.N. to unmask all previous PED users in religious history. Leaders from most of the world’s religions have already been called to testify, and the star witness, Moses himself (no relation to Raab), is scheduled to testify next Wednesday.
“I didn’t mean for this to create such a firestorm,” said Moses, sipping a Mojito. “I was really just looking to come clean to the billions of people who follow religion. Also, I will be boxing Willie Ames, the guy who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge, next week in Burbank.”