Band of Drummers

Election May be in the Bag ... Pipe?

By Jah Banni

Des Moines, Iowa - The 2008 Presidential Election debate tour is heating up the airwaves and the potential candidates alike. According to one man, however, all of this effort may prove to be more futile than a rock concert for the deaf. Tron Boan, leader of the League of American Marching Band Society believes the election has, in fact, already been decided.

“When the song ends,” says Boan, 54, “the L.A.M.B.S. will have decided the next leader of the free world.”

If Boan comes off as brazenly prophetic, it is by design.

“I am the leader of the L.A.M.B.S., what amounts to a nationwide high school band,” the sinewy L.A.M.B.S. leader boats. “I have, at the least 100,000 high school bands with approximately 80 kids in each band at my disposal. This means I have approximately 8 hundred billion young people to vote for the same person.”

While Boan’s math is only somewhat accurate, his premise is played at the perfect pitch. At least one political analyst, Dunville F. Wasp, agrees.

“High school bands are the single greatest voting power in the United States. There are just so many of them. On top of that, they break down race, religion, and class barriers,” said Wasp. “They own the vote in their respective schools and never, ever vote against the majority.”

This much we know. 98.3% of all important high school elections either go to band members or people the band supports. Evidence of this can be seen from a lawsuit filed late last week in Bethesda, Md. In the suit, the family of Michelle Endaygay Ochello asserts the band fixed a vote for Homecoming Queen, taking away the win from their “more popular and beautiful” daughter. The winner, not surprisingly was Louise Nastay, a junior tuba player in the marching band. The suit, while currently unsettled, represents a microcosm of the power marching bands have in America.

Others have also questioned recent results in democratically decided votes. For instance, the new Boulder, Col. Police Chief is 16 year old Michael Steinowitz, formerly a flutist in his high school band. Mandy Frenkel, 18, recently left her post as trumpeter in the Dade County High School band to accept a position as President and CEO of Disney Corp. Wasp believes this trend will continue.

“I think in the future we will see marching bands making almost every important decision in this country,” said Wasp. “Only since they started playing Tron Boan’s song have they truly harnessed their potential.”

The boastful Boan believes people will realize soon enough how hard it will be to silence the L.A.M.B.S. With the current requirements to become President, Boan realizes it will be impossible to have a high school band member elected to the position, but already knows who they will vote for.

“It rhymes with Britt Homney,” laughed Boan.

If Boan is correct, the world will soon be playing his song.