Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Robble-Robber Implicated in Food Thefts

By Jah Banni

(Artist's Rendering of Hamburglar Hearing)

Urbana, Ill. (TruthBrush) – After more than thirty years of speculation and prosecutor ineptitude, the popular McDonald’s character Hamburglar was arraigned yesterday in an Urbana, Ill. Federal Court on charges of more than 2 million thefts of various hamburgers and fast food side-dishes. Appearing in his traditional cape, hat and mask, the Hamburglar entered his initial plea of not-guilty before Judge Rita Wang.

The thefts occurred over a 34 year period in all 50 states and over 200 countries worldwide. Most of the victims were local restaurant chains who attempted to hone in on the McDonald’s hamburger as a competitor. The breadth of the charges would dictate and automatic quadruple life sentence.

Appearing with the accused to hear the charges was his lawyer, Grimace Attorney at Law, who despite limited experience is confident his client will be cleared of all charges.

“I studied law at McDonalds University, and I have known the Hamburglar for many years,” said Grimace. “Duh. I would bet the color purple on his virtuousness.”

District Attorney David Thomas, however, is decidedly less confident in the Hamburglar’s presumed innocence.

“Here is a man who for thirty-some years has been going from place to place stealing people’s hamburgers and it has finally caught up with him,” said an exuberant Thomas. “I am excited for the day the Hamburglar goes the McSlammer.”

This is not the first time the Hamburglar has been charged with burger theft, but it is the first since 1993 when the charges were thrown out of court after former Mayor McCheese refused to testify on behalf of the prosecution. Rumors swirled he was paid off by Birdie the Early Bird and the Happy Meal Gang. McCheese was widely castigated after the incident, and recently served time for selling heroin while in office, but remains steadfast in his defense of the accused.

“I still think he’s innocent, sure,” said McCheese. “I’ve never doubted Hammy. Not once. And you need not pay me for that.”

Thomas was not the D.A. for the 1993 trial, but started preparing for this trial as far back as 2000, and is prepared to throw everything, including the kitchen sink, at the striped stealer.

“I already have commitments from Wendy, the King, Carl Sr., Harold and Khumar, Chuck Cheese, Popeye, Tim Horton and others who are willing to testify against the Hamburglar,” said Thomas. “I think it is safe to say the world is tired of this man thinking he can get away with stealing.”

The Hamburglar himself released a brief statement before the arraignment began.

“Robble, robble, robble,” he said.

“I think that statement in itself shows the nonchalance with which he operates,” said a perturbed Thomas. “He is arrogant beyond belief to think he could steal hamburgers and get away with it.”

It was that arrogance in itself that finally caught up with the Hamburglar. According to longtime friend Gwyneth Paltrow, authorities contacted her after viewing the Hamburglar’s MySpace page, which proudly showed him eating a hamburger in a bathroom stall at an unnamed restaurant in Taiwan with the phrase “Over 2 Million Served, Biotch” under it.

“He got careless,” said Paltrow. “He thought he was above the law. I’m worried for him.”

Grimace maintains the web-page is satire on his perceived public image.

“It was a joke! A joke. He knows people think he is a thief – hell, its in his name,” said Grimace. “So he decided to make a little play on it. That was a burger he made himself, and staged in a local McDonald’s – with their permission. The 2 Million served is an obvious play on his employer! They are ok with it. I can’t believe this would cause an arrest.”

Web forensic specialists are examining the pictures to determine their origin and validity.

Meanwhile, the Hamburglar is free in $5 million bond.

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