Friday, October 26, 2007

KKK Leader Turns Robes Pink in Washer; is Judged on Appearance

-Kicked out of Klan; forms own hate group against “colored” clothing

by: Aimin' for failure
Special-Ed Itor

Greenville S.C. -- KKK Grand Dragon, Toby Keith Helms, made a critical laundry error last week at his home in suburban South Carolina. A red shirt accidentally turned his uniform bright pink, which was the cause of a large riot when he arrived at his Klan meeting.

Usually his Waughter (common southern slang for wife/daughter combination) does the laundry, but Helms tried unsuccessfully, putting a red Boston Red-Sox shirt in with his hood and robes. On the hot water cycle, the shirt bled and turned his robes a dazzling pink hue. He was immediately expelled from the meeting and the Klan, and subsequently was the subject of a hate crime as he was beaten in the parking lot.

“I was the victim of discrimination based on the color of my sheets. The intolerance was horrifying. I believe it was God telling me to change…” said Helms. “I have seen the light, and it was a very bright white. This is why I formed a fresher, cleaner, and whiter white power group.”

For just $9.99, you can help rid America of all it's problems; a 20 dollar value. And, I'll even thrown in a free freebase spoon"

-Billy Mays

His new hate group – the Clean Clux Clan – which is anti “colored” clothing. “If it weren’t for the red shirt in the washer, none of this would have happened. It was a message from God, telling me to send these colored shirts back to where they came from… China.”

In an interesting development, Helms has enlisted the likes of Billy Mays: the ubiquitous and highly annoying infomercial star – most famous for Oxi-Clean. For almost a decade, Mays has been selling Oxi-Clean in a covert operation to overrun the world with ultra-white clothing.

In a very loud voice, through his ridiculous beard, Mays stated; “All along, I have not been selling mere cleaning products, I have been selling ethnic cleansing products. Soon my products will be so powerful that they will bleach more than clothing. Mwwahaha”

Saturday, at a rally on the steps of the laundromat, Mays and Chamberlain spewed vitriolic rhetoric and propaganda to literally dozens of white-clad supporters.

“We need to rid the country of colored laundry. It is the root of all of our problems. We need to return this country to when it was pure; when everyone wore white…before the Injuns showed up and invaded our country with their brown leather, colorful feathers and vibrant war paint.” He spewed, “Let’s bring our country back to the good’ole times.” [Editorial note – the country did not have plumbing at that time, or electricity, or American Gladiators].

Said housewife Dawn I. Moss; “I’d like to use regular detergent, but Oxi-Clean is so cheap, so powerful… and look how it gets rid of the Jews – uh, I mean stains… look how well it gets rid of these stains.”

No comments: