- "Luke, I am not your biological father"
By: Aimin' for Failure
The Death Star,
A shocking discovery was made yesterday on the Maury Povich show as DNA test results determined that Darth Vader (above) is not the father of Luke Skywalker. In front of a national audience, Lord Vader was vindicated, which then led to an expletive-laden victory dance in the face of a weeping Queen Amidala.
A long, long time ago; in a far, far away place, proper technologies were not available. But now, Vader [currently going by D-Vade] is off the hook for child support. He is hosting an “I’m not a Dad” Party in Scores Gentlemen’s club in Las Vegas on Friday. The guest list includes Kobe Bryant, David Hasselhoff, as well as Harrison Ford and Han Solo (sure to cause an awkward situation).
"I knew she was getting around. I can read peoples' freakin' minds for gods sakes," He told reporters after the show.
As for Amidala, the news is not so bright. Sleaze-bag Povich pretended to care while jamming a camera in her tear-soaked face during the worst moment of her life (coincidentally receiving the highest rating in show history). The news got worse from there; as Povich listed the possible fathers.
Following a night of binge drinking at Mos Eisley Cantina, poor judgment apparently led to a tryst with the homely Figrin D'an: a struggling Kloo-horn player in the house band.
Even worse, the other possible father was Kevin Federline. And Howard K. Stern has already staked an obviously false claim.