Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Athlete Finally Blames God for Loss

After years of receiving sports praise, the finger is finally pointed at God by Rockies

By: Aimin' for Failure

Denver Co -- On Sunday night, the Boston Red-Sox concluded their hasty sweep of the Rockies in the World Series. While numerous Red-Sox players took to the press thanking God for their victory, the Rockies finally did something newsworthy by making sports history with their explanation for the loss. Coach Clint Hurdle and first baseman Todd Helton both allocated blame for their poor performance on the Almighty One; marking the first time an athlete has ever acknowledged God in defeat.

After the loss, Hurdle, the Rockies manager addressed the media; “First off, I’d like to blame God for the loss. We are the only Christian clubhouse in all four major sports, and we clearly prayed harder than Boston. Even so, it is pretty evident that God had an axe to grind and made our pitchers lob meatballs for four straight games.”

Team Captain and first baseman Todd Helton was more abrasive in his accusations; “After all the credit we gave him for winning the NL pennant, where was God for us on that one… Huh? The fact that I had no homeruns and 1 RBI for the series is not my fault, it was God’s.”

Through a hallucination to the TruthBrush, God said; “Soooo sorrrrrrrry, maybe the Rockies are right… maybe I’ve been wasting too much time in Darfur trying to stop ethnic cleansing, genocide, starvation and AIDS. Curt Schilling’s logic is flawless as well; I did take a break from curing world poverty to guide his old, flabby arm in hurling 90mph garbage-fastballs through the strike zone… You’ve gotta be kidding me… If I really cared about baseball do you think the Yankees would have 26 Championships? Besides, Fox starts the games at 9PM… Do they really think I have the time to watch baseball that late?”

Helton was so offended by God’s statement, that he is currently pursuing Scientology.

After almost every major championship, an athlete can be found proclaiming the holiest of allies in victory. If this is true, simple deductive logic will determine that God would also be causing the defeated team’s loss and heartbreak. Under this theory, God clearly hates Philadelphia – which is really not that far-fetched.

It is proven fact that God is inundated with prayers every day from sports fans and players. It is also fact that the numbers spike dramatically during big-games such as playoffs. The 2006 Soccer (Futbol) World Cup holds the record for flooding God’s Holy-mail inbox.

1 comment:

kerry goose said...

you guys make me laugh too loud. this photograph of the mans face as it's getting hit by the ball...produces a sick thing. It IS indeed sick when you can laugh so hard at someone else's pain...isn't it?