Monday, October 22, 2007

Sara Lee-eave That Recipe Alone: Little People Cry Foul Over Miniature Muffins

By: Jah Banni
G.I.A.N.T. spokesperson, Robinson Caneyo

Austin, Tx. -- A top executive at Sara Lee Corp. is feeling the heat over a proposed change in the company’s baked goods line. E. Samson LaVell, CEO of Specialized Markets for Sara Lee, has drawn the ire of the G.I.A.N.T. Group, a civil rights organization focused on the interests of little people, over the proposed product MiniMuffs.

G.I.A.N.T., which stands for Great Intelligence At Nominal Tallness, alerted the company at a local market council meeting of its intent to file a suit based on Sara Lee’s “ignorance of the fundamental needs and desires of little people,” according to G.I.A.N.T. spokesperson Robinson Caneyo, who was himself present at the meeting. Caneyo declined to speak directly with The Truth Brush, but did, however, provide us with a copy of the letter given to LaVell and other Sara Lee market council members.

LaVell may find his company in even hotter water based on his initial reaction to the letter. Upon opening the envelope handed to him by Caneyo, LaVell reportedly laughed so ferociously a paisley necktie became lodged in his throat. LaVell refused to describe what caused his laughter, but The Truth Brush has obtained a copy of the letter and will re-produce an excerpt below:

"Dear Mr. LaVell,
It is with a G.I.A.N.T. sense of urgency that I write you this letter to make you aware of the ignorance your company is showing the Little People community, both in this country and abroad. You have showed that, at least in this case, Sara Lee is the littlest person of us all. To think you would knowingly shrink the size of your muffins to create a situation in which a little person would be exploited in his or her own grocer of choice is mystifying. You have become jaded in reaching your 72 inches, Mr. LaVell, and I think it is a tall task before you to quell the anger of the world’s largest group of little people."

Despite his use of a very small pencil, Caneyo went on to say a civil suit would be filed in the event that Sara Lee Corp. continues with its productions of MiniMuffs. Sara Lee had not returned the phone calls of The Truth Brush as of publication time, however a 2006 press release detailed the proposed small snack.

“MiniMuffs, Sara Lee Corporation’s newest product, blends great taste with cutting edge human to food size ratios to create the world’s first snack designed to take up just the right amount of space in our customer’s digestive system,” wrote Luisa Ramos, Product PR Manager at Sara Lee Corp. “In today’s world, much of the available snack food market is focused on products with the word ‘Giant’ or ‘King Size’ attached. Now, Sara Lee is offering people of smaller stature the ability to snack on a product to fulfill the faint hunger pangs of a tiny tummy.”

Reports that Verne Troyer would be Sara Lee’s spokesperson for the product are unconfirmed.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

Great use of hispanix. I especially enjoyed the initials of the Texas Baked Good Tycoon.