Friday, October 26, 2007

New Evidence May Clear First Murderer

By Jah Banni

Garden of Eden -- Forensic scientists presented evidence to The Judge yesterday that may lead to the world’s first murderer being cleared of all charges. Mitchell Seeminn and Fritz Deferens of the German Forensic Institute (GFI), recently completed research which will likely exonerate Cain in the murder of his brother Abel during biblical times.

Testifying before the Grandest of juries, with God himself presiding, Deferens and Semenov teamed up to solve the oldest crime on record. Starting slowly, the pair built towards their climactic moment, eventually implicating another man in the slaying.

“We are prepared, through extensive DNA testing and retesting, to show the jury that Cain was not the murderer of his brother Abel,” started Deferens. “In fact, there was another person at the scene of the crime. This person’s DNA was found there shortly after, but due the shortage of police at the time, nobody could be sure how his DNA got there.”

History books, including the Bible, put the earth’s population at four around the time of Abel’s murder. The brothers were joined on earth only by their parents, original sinners Adam and Eve, although the couple did have more children later on.

“We know that because only four people inhabited the earth at the time,” continued Deferens during the buildup, “that Cain was going to be the one charged. Adam and Eve had alibis, whereas Cain could only claim an accident had occurred. In his sadness and shock, however, Cain could not even muster this defense.”

“But through our research, we know who did it,” Seeminn spewed to the stunned jury of saints. “Scott Bakula!”

(Right) Suspect Scott Bakula

“We all know Mr. Bakula as the star of Quantum Leap,” said Universal District Attorney Pontius Pilate to a courtroom almost comatose from shock. “It looks as though he decided to take advantage of that role and alter the course of history. I look forward to an expedient trial and conviction.”

Pilate, originally from Rome, is well equipped to deal with a high profile trial, having presided over the trial of Jesus and ultimately ordering his crucifixion. He is, however, a little more cautious in his approach this time having suffered for the past 2000 years being known as the man who gave the Savior the death penalty. He was, it should be noted, removed from his post and disbarred immediately after.

“I have learned from my mistakes,” he said in an interview after the trial. “Do you know what it is like to go through life knowing you put God’s son to death? Luckily, God is very forgiving and has allowed me to come back as his lead prosecutor. But I know now to look at all the facts, and in this case, they are pretty clear.”

Bakula, 53, and originally from St. Louis, Mo., will be charged with the murder of the biblical farmer in the next few weeks according to Pilate. His lawyers released a statement yesterday saying, “Mr. Bakula is aware of the impending charges and categorically denies them. He is so confident in his innocence that he will continue to not appear on television in any relevant programming.” He faces life in Hell Prison if convicted. Questions, however, remain.

Deferens and Seeminn, through consultation with Quantum Leap creator Donald Bellisario, were able to ascertain that Bakula used his powers to visit the Garden of Eden in May of 1993, during the show’s fourth season. The trip never appeared on show record because it was done over the Memorial Day weekend when nobody was to have access to the set.

“There was a strangulation,” said Seeminn, “and we were able to trace microscopic hair follicles back to Mr. Bakula. Outside of that, we may have never found out who did this.”

No motive, however, has been found or at least made public, but rumors persist of Bakula’s ongoing cocaine addiction which led him on searches of where throughout history he could produce the plant that is harvested and manufactured into cocaine without anyone noticing him. Prosecutors believe he may have stumbled upon Abel while searching for such a place.

God originally believed Cain had strangled his brother over jealousy of a sacrifice made by Abel being accepted by God, after Cain’s was rebuffed. Cain’s punishment was to become a nomad, which he served until his death.

More on this as details become available.

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