Why are homeless people so tired?

-taking over the world is hard work

Special-Ed itorial

By: Aimin' for Failure
Senior Vagrancy correspondent


There is a park right by my work (I’m an Explorer for the US and A) which I walk through frequently. I love people watching, and even though hobos don’t count as people, they are clearly fascinating to observe. But yesterday I noticed that it was right around noon, and the bum I was looking at was still sleeping.

I flashed back through my life: Bum sleeping in restaurant doorway, bum sleeping on a bench, bum sleeping in the park, bum sleeping in the park on a bench. It dawned on me that most of the bums I have seen were asleep.

This caused me to begin to wonder… what makes them so tired? Shopping carts filled with plastic bags aren’t that heavy. It’s not like they’re tired from painting the house all day or mowing the lawn. And obviously they aren’t exhausted due to their stressful Wall Street job.

What do they do all day? Engross themselves in conversation with trees, animals and motorcycles, use pants as cotton porta-johns, grow beards, dress like it is Halloween year round, and give lectures to audiences of no one, until a curious idiot like myself starts talking to them.

We only see homeless people doing one of three things,
1. sleeping
2. asking for money
3. preaching about the apocalypse.

But I’ve discovered the secret. The key is what we don’t see them doing. They are always sleeping during the day because they were up all night planning to takeover the world. And why are they always soliciting money? If they are homeless, should they not be asking for a home? They are gathering money for their cause, which is to bring down the system and enslave the workers. The ones preaching about the apocalypse are defectors from this evil cause who are legitimately trying to warn us… and you cast them off as crazy.

What would a slave do… work; and what would a master do…nothing. A job is nothing but merely training to become a hobo’s slave. Meanwhile, bums have been doing nothing, training all along to be your master.

I know this is true because my homeless friend “Bilj” (actually Bill, but alcohol limits his use of the letter L to one at a time) told me so. Most people ignore him, but I don’t and that is why he let me in on the secret. I have no reason to doubt anything he says, except that last week he told me that, “Bill Clinton was a homosexual and it says so in the bible.”

Other than that, he’s totally credible. He also predicted that it was going to be cold last winter, that the Pirates wouldn’t win the World Series this year, and that the mortgage-market bubble was about to burst, leading to massive interest rate cuts by the fed and the plummeting value of the US Dollar.

Next time you see a bum, be nice to him, he might own you someday.