Thursday, November 6, 2008

Election Over: Joe the Plumber back to unclogging shit

Joe the Plumber Back to Pre-Election role: Joe the Really, Really Dumb Guy.

by Aimin' for Failure

Toledo, Ohio (Truthbrush) - - Now that the election is over, it appears that the illustrious political career of Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher has come to an end. Unfortunately, the harsh realities are settling in, and good old Joe has to resume his previous persona: an obnoxiously stupid person.

Joe the plumber conspicuously emerged as an “undecided voter” who forced his way up to now-President Obama and asked him tough questions. Curiously, he was cited 406 times in the subsequent debate by Senator McCain. More curiously, he began making appearances for McCain all over the country. Most curiously, many people actually didn’t connect the dots that he was a giant marketing ploy and campaign tool.

Unfortunately, Joe quickly showed why plumbers shouldn’t test their hand in a Presidential Race. While speaking on McCain’s behalf at a Town Hall which started resembling a Klan Meeting; an audience member said: “Joe, I think that a vote for Obama means a vote for the death of Israel.” To which, the uncouth Plumber responded… “I’m going to have to go aheand and agree with you on that one.”

Here is the clip, he even gets torched by Fox News. This interview illustrated why Triangle Tech Alumni are better at running dishwasher hoses than Countries.

Historians quickly concluded that this was the most ill-advised statement in the history of American Politics since Abraham Lincoln concluded the Gettysburg Address with “Hey Gettysburg, who wants to see my [expletive]?”

Now, I’m probably going to sound a little bit arrogant or condescending, or even disparaging towards the plumbing profession. So let me preface it by going on the record saying Joe the Plumber is a human just like you and I… except he is a Plumber.

Immediately upon potty training, I immediately identified plumbing as something that I would use every breath to avoid. The fear of pulling peoples pubes out of drain-clogs consumed my life. Almost every waking moment was spent meticulously working to avoid the plumbing profession. If there are any young readers out there with the same fears; I will now map out the course.

List of things that I did to avoid turning out like Joe the Plumber.

  1. Reading.

The reason Wurzelbacher got into the plumbing profession is because of his long history of being attracted to shiny objects. When he realized that he could use shiny Channel-lock Pliers to tighten galvanized steel and copper pipes, he was sold. This fixation held true when McCain asked Joe if his campaign could exploit him. Joe could not resist when he saw the shiny bald head of the Republican Candidate.

He was meant to be a hard working American whom many Amurricans could identify with. The only problem was that it was difficult for people like me to believe that such a diligent worker could miss about 25 consecutive days of work to go to rallies and say stupid things.

Things Go from Bad to Worse for Joe:

Joe returned to Ohio today to learn that his clients had been taken by “Super” Mario and Luigi Mario. It added insult to injury for Joe. Residents of his town were pissed when their pipes were clogging and their plumber was nowhere to be found.

“I took a giant smash at a Halloween party, I tried to call Joe’s plumbing, but he was in North Carolina making people dumber. I had no choice, I found new plumbers in the yellow pages.” Said N. Emma Felcher of Toledo, Ohio. “It was really embarrassing, because everybody at the party had to use the 7-Eleven down the street.”

Joe immediately has taken to the media to tell people how Barack Obama has ruined his life. “I told you people that Barack would steal my job; and now look: immigrants took it. Now I have no money, and these Spaghetti-benders are running around taking my business. Greasy Dagos.”

Super Mario Plumbing declined comment as to their current Visa status.

“Have you ever been to Toledo?” asked Toledo Mayor Richard Blumpkin. “I don’t care if they are illegal immigrants; we need as many plumbers as possible.”

Even worse for Wurzelbacher: He has already been forgotten as America’s most famous surnameless individual. This morning, Barack Obama made a brief appearance at a train station before boarding Thomas the Tank Engine, and Popeye the Sailorman deployed for his third tour of duty in the Persian Gulf.


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