By Jah Banni
Rochester, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Freida Dirte, a lead OBGYN at the Mayo Clinic, claims new research emphatically shows pregnancy to be unlikely to occur in men. According to her study, women are the leading cause of birth in the United States.
“In most instances, we have found that men who appear pregnant are, in fact, not,” said Dirte, 37. “More often than not, they are just overweight or hiding a bulbous object in their bodies.”
Statistics released show that 98.4% of all babies in the United States are born by women, .7% born by the Spears family, .5% by surrogates outside the U.S., .3% by wives of Tom Cruise, and the rest by men. Manbirths, as they are commonly known, are very uncommon in urban areas and tend to be exclusive to areas such as Idaho and Idaho.
“We know that Scientology, Tom Cruise, and babies are synonymous. We know the same about Britney and Jamie Lynn. But after those two, Manbirths are the most common form of childbirth outside of women,” said Dirte. “But it is important for the general public to realize, this is very real, but not every man that looks pregnant is, in fact, with child.”
How, though, will we know when a man is pregnant or when he is a drug runner hired by a Columbian transvestite to undergo surgery to insert drugs, money, and a November issue of Popular Mechanics magazine for smuggling purposes? How will we know when a man is with child or just enjoys circular objects in his gut? To help educate America about its pregnant males, Dr. Dirte created the following chart detailing the differences.
Still, laypeople are still confused by the phenomenon. Marcel Ricot, a French Canadian in the U.S. to teach hockey to infants, could not tell the difference.
“It makes little, eh eh eh, how you say, sents? Sents? Sense. It makes no sense,” said Ricot, of Montreal. “They all look weird.”
More confusing yet, even to OBGYN’s, is how men get pregnant in the first place. Various studies are currently underway, but Dr. Dirte warns not to expect an answer too soon.
“It is going to be a very long road before we really figure this out,” said Dirte, “but as of now our only lead is that Tom Cruise is the father of all manbirthed children we have studied. That is not to say this will hold true from here on out, but its hard not to think that way.”
According to Dr. Dirte, men who become pregnant feel the same side affects as their female counterparts including increased appetite, mood swings, and the need to take naked photos.
“If you know a man who may be pregnant, please contact the Mayo Clinic. It is a very traumatic experience and we have a team on hand to handle it, which is why they’re on hand,” said Dirte.