Found: Jesus…But Where?

JahBanni

Nairobi (TruthBrush) – Every day millions of thousands of people attempt to resurrect their currently lackluster lives by looking for Jesus. Many, who come to this point through jail, rehab, happenstance, circumstance, and even book clubs or gazebo building classes, are able to find him. Tragically, some of those who look are unable to find the son of God, whom they so desperately need to help them make better decisions they would be otherwise unable to make through techniques such as ... making better decisions.

A new study, however, could help those in need of Jesus’ services find him more easily. The Center for Researchable Research in Manhattan, Kansas, spoke with 2,500 “found” Christians to understand how they came about finding their Lord and savior. According to the CRR, the results were staggering.

“Over 94% of the participants in our study found Jesus in the same spot,” says Kenneth Kenderson, spokesperson for the CRR. “Under the bed.”

One of the participants in the study agreed to speak with the TruthBrush under the condition of anonymity.

“I was in a pretty bad way. I was eating way too much chocolate, staying up really late, and trying to kidnap all the cats I could,” said Paul Maxenheimer, 23. Maxenheimer, of 1254 Lakeshore Drive in Topeka, had his request for anonymity noted, but ultimately ignored completely. “One day, I thought I saw a cat go under my bed – so I dropped to my knees and looked … and there he was. Jesus.”

What happened next, says Maxenheimer, took him by surprise.

“I said, ‘Jesus! I found you!’ And he said, ‘Ooooohhh goooooood for youuuuuu, Paul. I was sleeping.’ It was very odd to hear him speak that way,” says Maxenheimer.

Ken Kenderson says this is typical of the way that many people come to find Him. In the footnotes of the study, the CRR notes that many of these “findings” are in truth people stumbling upon Jesus as he rests.

“In terms of the bed thing, He is the most looked for being in the history of the universe,” says Kenderson. “It is not out of the realm of possibility that he just needs to kind of take it easy every so often. I mean if you held the answers to all things, and people were constantly trying to find you, wouldn’t you want to just get away?”

Representatives for Jesus declined comment, but Tim Tebow decided to anyways.

“Jesus just needs to rest sometimes. He told me one time while I was the best player of all time in the history of sports that under the bed is a great place for him to hide because it is so cliché that most people wouldn’t really look for him there,” said Tebow, a projected NFL draft pick this coming week. “I guess now he is going to have to find other places to rest.”

Kenderson believes the study will actually help the Son of God as it will temporarily throw his followers off his trail.

“In terms of us releasing this study, we recognize that Jesus needs rest and in giving up his current hiding spot, it should trick the gullible public into immediately checking under the bed. Now Jesus will have a chance to find a new place to be found – like in a closet or a Lady Gaga song.”