Milledgeville (Ga.) – Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit District Attorney Frederic D. Bright announced to a national audience yesterday that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would not face criminal charges stemming from an incident at a Milledgeville nightclub in early March. In his nearly hour long statement to the press Bright, or O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. has he likes to be called, lamented the length of his own job title while scolding Roethlisberger to, “…grow up.”
Roethlisberger, however, apparently missed the message of O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. Appearing at the Steelers’ South Side facility later in the day, Roethlisberger looked very much like a man disappointed at the lack of charges brought against him and a man very dedicated to proving that he is, indeed, sexual assault material. Or possibly a man with a promising career in the WWE ahead of him as the heir to the Undertaker throne. Or a man who ran away from his barber mid haircut and then accidentally got the rest of his hair stuck in an oil slick. Or a man about to take a late night drive with Tiger Woods after some Ambien and a few bad decisions. Or a man who is about to change into a black and white striped thermal t-shirt, tight black jeans, dye his hair black, paint his finger nails black, put on eye liner and a spiked collar, and then by a new pair of Doc Martins that look really old. One thing is for sure: Roethlisberger is not himself convinced that he did not commit a crime.
“Generally speaking, a person found to have not committed a crime such as sexual assault would not immediately appear at a press conference dressed as a person who has, or would, commit sexual assault,” said legal fashion maven and Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit Assistant District Attorney Manny Hector Martinez (O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M). “By shaving the sides of his head and then pushing the rest of his hair backwards, using a considerable grease source, Ben is saying that he wants to be viewed as a sicko.”
O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M., 43, has seen this proverbial fish before.
“Often times a person of stature who has committed a crime and gets away with it feels a measure of guilt towards the public and will dress subconsciously to fit the crime he or she may have gotten away with,” said O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M. “I was around when Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes burnt down Andre Rison’s house. She only got probation, but she dressed like a dragon for the next 3 months. It was odd.”
Even former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw commented on the situation, allegedly saying, “Look, I know a thing or two about bad hair. I am bald, but yet I have, and have had, hair that goes over the tips of my ears. How does that make sense? I’m learning to not like him.”
O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. said in his statement, “We are not condoning Mr. Roethlisberger's actions that night. But we do not prosecute morals, we prosecute crimes.”
The way the Steelers quarterback presented himself to the public yesterday, it is clear that at least Roethlisberger thinks he committed one.
Or he was thinking about getting a haircut, and then decided midway through doing so that he didn’t want one anymore, so he stopped, but had to run out to get a new graphic t-shirt and didn’t want to look silly with the sides of his head shaved and long locks left on top, and decided it was a good idea to buy a vat of Crisco and go elbows deep in it before sweeping his remaining hair front to back….BUT THEN he remembered that he had recently not been charged for a crime that it sounded like he might have committed so he put on a nice pair of slacks and a golf shirt and asked the public to take him seriously as a leader. Either one.