Biloxi, Miss. (TruthBrush) - Tiger Woods can claim to be many things these days; the best golfer on the planet, one of the most famous and infamous people on earth, and unfailingly awkward in almost all public situations. Now, however, he can also claim to be a possible savior to rabbits and their relationships.
By shedding new and unfortunately serious light on “sex addiction” Tiger has allowed male bunnies world-wide to claim the “condition” as the reason for their almost constant sexual activity. Peter Cottontail, founder and Chairman of the Career Advancement for Rabbits ‘Round Our Town, or CARROT, says that Woods has unknowingly saved millions of rabbit relationships over the past month.
“Everyone knows that rabbits have a major problem with infidelity,” says Cottontail. “Now we know why – it’s an addiction. Early numbers show rabbit divorce numbers down from 95% to 65% in just the past 30 days.”
Human beings tend to look at sex addiction as a hilarious excuse used by embarrassed men caught in compromising situations, but rabbits look at the treatable “affliction” as a God-send, says the CARROT founder.
“There is a reason a statement has been constructed at the expense of rabbits and our affinity for sexual relations,” said Cottontail. “’****ing like bunnies’ is a lifestyle that we generally cannot control. This terrible disease will allow us to continue to move forward.”
An independent study funded by loose cannon and known philanderer Roger Rabbit shows that approximately 100% of rabbits are addicted to sex. This is substantially higher than the 98.4% of human males that are also addicted to sex. Just last year, an independent study denied the existence of “sex addiction” entirely. Rabbit, however, says it was folly to so quickly dismiss it as a viable disease.
“Just ask my wife (Jessica Rabbit). We were estranged for almost 3 years because I was with just about everybody. And everything. I couldn’t control myself,” said Rabbit, 39. “I was like Russell Brand’s character in that Sarah Marshall movie, except worse. People, animals, chairs, doors, food items … I couldn’t stop. Tiger Woods, too…”
“I’m serious. I have 20-30,000 kids. Most of them are bunnies. But not all of them. Dakota Fanning? She’s mine,” continued Rabbit.
Jessica Rabbit declined to comment, but a source close to the situation says that she is incredulous that Roger would go to such lengths to rationalize his actions. They are, however, trying to work things out.
“It’s all I want, besides ludicrous amounts of sex,” says Roger. “Aside from wanting to hump everything that moves, all I really want is a great marriage.”
Cottontail hopes that with more education on the addiction rabbits will be able to live happy, monogamous lives. He does, however, have his doubts that this is possible. One of his most oft cited examples is the Easter Bunny.
“Insatiable appetite for casual sexual encounters,” says Cottontail. “And he’s cocky about it too. He doesn’t cover his tracks – in fact he leaves his footprints and a gift basket of candy when he’s done. The shame of it, he’s a real nice guy for the most part. But he doesn’t stop. I don’t know that recognizing his problem and learning about it will sufficiently stop him from chasing tail.”
CARROT, says Cottontail, will help rabbits in need of rehab.
“We’ll do our best,” says Cottontail. “We are going to prove that every time a person looks out their window, they don’t have to see a rabbit and its partner making a mess of the shrubbery. And we can all thank Tiger Woods for being a generally gross human being. I mean, we’re bunnies. He should know better. But we’re glad he brought this ‘disease’ to the public.”