The Fashion Police, the homosexual wing of the Police Force, held a presssssss conference yesterday to announce that they will indeed charge Ben Roethlisberger of egregious violations of fashion conduct.
“We are charging Mr. Roethlisberger with crimes in the heat of fashion. The charges are as follows; Possession of an aggressive mullet. One count of douchebaggery: the public display of a graphic T-shirt, and one count of stupidity for literally wearing a shirt with a depiction of Satan to go out and commit sex acts which would be later construed as rape.” Stated Lieutenant Ryan Seacrest.
Two weeks ago, Roethlisberger held his own press conference to declare that he was innocent of rape charges. He did this while sporting an aggressive mullet: slicked back hair accentuated by shaving the side of the head. It is indigenous to Philadelphia, and found commonly amongst the communities of rapists and country musicians (also known as auditory rapists).
The Fashion Police presented statistical evidence which illustrated that while all rapists have mullets, not all mullet-wearers are rapists. But they all definitely fall under the category of creepy. The only exception being a few thousand friendly Canadians who sport mullets to match with their Juxedos (Jean Tuxedo: the combination of jeans and a denim jacket).
Lt. Seacrest stated, “As you can see, all rapists do wear mullets. We have even unsurfaced images of Kobe Bryant around the time of his alleged rape. So while we cannot conclude definitively that Mr. Roethlisberger is a rapist, we can conclusively determine two things from our statistical evidence. 1) He is a creep. 2) He is completely devoid of all style and taste. Pending DNA test results for Canadianism, we will be proceeding with charges on all counts.”
Tom Brady, the only member of both the NFL Players Union and the Fashion Police issued a statement. “As the liaison for the NFL I am disgusted by Ben’s despicable act.”
When asked by The Truthbrush if he was aware that the sexual assault charges were dropped, Brady responded, “I know that you moron. I’m talking about having sex with a woman. That’s gross. Why not just pay a supermodel a ton of money to say that she has sex with you?”