TruthBrush / Galloping Poll

By Eamon Conway

Fashion Police Proceeding with Charges Against Roethlisberger

By Eamon Conway (f.k.a. Aimin' for Failure)

Pittsburgh, PA (Truthbrush) -Ben Roethlisberger has made a living of evading the arms of pass-rushers on the field. He also managed to scarcely avoid the firm grasps of prison inmates by not leaving enough DNA on a 20-year-old college student’s leg. But it appears that he will not escape the reach-around by the long, shorn, well-tanned arms of the Fashion Police.

The Fashion Police, the homosexual wing of the Police Force, held a presssssss conference yesterday to announce that they will indeed charge Ben Roethlisberger of egregious violations of fashion conduct.

“We are charging Mr. Roethlisberger with crimes in the heat of fashion. The charges are as follows; Possession of an aggressive mullet. One count of douchebaggery: the public display of a graphic T-shirt, and one count of stupidity for literally wearing a shirt with a depiction of Satan to go out and commit sex acts which would be later construed as rape.” Stated Lieutenant Ryan Seacrest.

Two weeks ago, Roethlisberger held his own press conference to declare that he was innocent of rape charges. He did this while sporting an aggressive mullet: slicked back hair accentuated by shaving the side of the head. It is indigenous to Philadelphia, and found commonly amongst the communities of rapists and country musicians (also known as auditory rapists).

The Fashion Police presented statistical evidence which illustrated that while all rapists have mullets, not all mullet-wearers are rapists. But they all definitely fall under the category of creepy. The only exception being a few thousand friendly Canadians who sport mullets to match with their Juxedos (Jean Tuxedo: the combination of jeans and a denim jacket).

Lt. Seacrest stated, “As you can see, all rapists do wear mullets. We have even unsurfaced images of Kobe Bryant around the time of his alleged rape. So while we cannot conclude definitively that Mr. Roethlisberger is a rapist, we can conclusively determine two things from our statistical evidence. 1) He is a creep. 2) He is completely devoid of all style and taste. Pending DNA test results for Canadianism, we will be proceeding with charges on all counts.”

Tom Brady, the only member of both the NFL Players Union and the Fashion Police issued a statement. “As the liaison for the NFL I am disgusted by Ben’s despicable act.”

When asked by The Truthbrush if he was aware that the sexual assault charges were dropped, Brady responded, “I know that you moron. I’m talking about having sex with a woman. That’s gross. Why not just pay a supermodel a ton of money to say that she has sex with you?”

Report: Sex Addiction “Rampant, Rising” Among Rabbits

(Rehabbing Rabbit, TruthBrush)

JahBanni

Biloxi, Miss. (TruthBrush) - Tiger Woods can claim to be many things these days; the best golfer on the planet, one of the most famous and infamous people on earth, and unfailingly awkward in almost all public situations. Now, however, he can also claim to be a possible savior to rabbits and their relationships.

By shedding new and unfortunately serious light on “sex addiction” Tiger has allowed male bunnies world-wide to claim the “condition” as the reason for their almost constant sexual activity. Peter Cottontail, founder and Chairman of the Career Advancement for Rabbits ‘Round Our Town, or CARROT, says that Woods has unknowingly saved millions of rabbit relationships over the past month.

“Everyone knows that rabbits have a major problem with infidelity,” says Cottontail. “Now we know why – it’s an addiction. Early numbers show rabbit divorce numbers down from 95% to 65% in just the past 30 days.”

Human beings tend to look at sex addiction as a hilarious excuse used by embarrassed men caught in compromising situations, but rabbits look at the treatable “affliction” as a God-send, says the CARROT founder.

“There is a reason a statement has been constructed at the expense of rabbits and our affinity for sexual relations,” said Cottontail. “’****ing like bunnies’ is a lifestyle that we generally cannot control. This terrible disease will allow us to continue to move forward.”

An independent study funded by loose cannon and known philanderer Roger Rabbit shows that approximately 100% of rabbits are addicted to sex. This is substantially higher than the 98.4% of human males that are also addicted to sex. Just last year, an independent study denied the existence of “sex addiction” entirely. Rabbit, however, says it was folly to so quickly dismiss it as a viable disease.

“Just ask my wife (Jessica Rabbit). We were estranged for almost 3 years because I was with just about everybody. And everything. I couldn’t control myself,” said Rabbit, 39. “I was like Russell Brand’s character in that Sarah Marshall movie, except worse. People, animals, chairs, doors, food items … I couldn’t stop. Tiger Woods, too…”

“I’m serious. I have 20-30,000 kids. Most of them are bunnies. But not all of them. Dakota Fanning? She’s mine,” continued Rabbit.

Jessica Rabbit declined to comment, but a source close to the situation says that she is incredulous that Roger would go to such lengths to rationalize his actions. They are, however, trying to work things out.

“It’s all I want, besides ludicrous amounts of sex,” says Roger. “Aside from wanting to hump everything that moves, all I really want is a great marriage.”

Cottontail hopes that with more education on the addiction rabbits will be able to live happy, monogamous lives. He does, however, have his doubts that this is possible. One of his most oft cited examples is the Easter Bunny.

“Insatiable appetite for casual sexual encounters,” says Cottontail. “And he’s cocky about it too. He doesn’t cover his tracks – in fact he leaves his footprints and a gift basket of candy when he’s done. The shame of it, he’s a real nice guy for the most part. But he doesn’t stop. I don’t know that recognizing his problem and learning about it will sufficiently stop him from chasing tail.”

CARROT, says Cottontail, will help rabbits in need of rehab.

“We’ll do our best,” says Cottontail. “We are going to prove that every time a person looks out their window, they don’t have to see a rabbit and its partner making a mess of the shrubbery. And we can all thank Tiger Woods for being a generally gross human being. I mean, we’re bunnies. He should know better. But we’re glad he brought this ‘disease’ to the public.”

Somewhere, David Duchovny is jealous of both Tiger and rabbits.

Found: Jesus…But Where?

JahBanni

Nairobi (TruthBrush) – Every day millions of thousands of people attempt to resurrect their currently lackluster lives by looking for Jesus. Many, who come to this point through jail, rehab, happenstance, circumstance, and even book clubs or gazebo building classes, are able to find him. Tragically, some of those who look are unable to find the son of God, whom they so desperately need to help them make better decisions they would be otherwise unable to make through techniques such as ... making better decisions.

A new study, however, could help those in need of Jesus’ services find him more easily. The Center for Researchable Research in Manhattan, Kansas, spoke with 2,500 “found” Christians to understand how they came about finding their Lord and savior. According to the CRR, the results were staggering.

“Over 94% of the participants in our study found Jesus in the same spot,” says Kenneth Kenderson, spokesperson for the CRR. “Under the bed.”

One of the participants in the study agreed to speak with the TruthBrush under the condition of anonymity.

“I was in a pretty bad way. I was eating way too much chocolate, staying up really late, and trying to kidnap all the cats I could,” said Paul Maxenheimer, 23. Maxenheimer, of 1254 Lakeshore Drive in Topeka, had his request for anonymity noted, but ultimately ignored completely. “One day, I thought I saw a cat go under my bed – so I dropped to my knees and looked … and there he was. Jesus.”

What happened next, says Maxenheimer, took him by surprise.

“I said, ‘Jesus! I found you!’ And he said, ‘Ooooohhh goooooood for youuuuuu, Paul. I was sleeping.’ It was very odd to hear him speak that way,” says Maxenheimer.

Ken Kenderson says this is typical of the way that many people come to find Him. In the footnotes of the study, the CRR notes that many of these “findings” are in truth people stumbling upon Jesus as he rests.

“In terms of the bed thing, He is the most looked for being in the history of the universe,” says Kenderson. “It is not out of the realm of possibility that he just needs to kind of take it easy every so often. I mean if you held the answers to all things, and people were constantly trying to find you, wouldn’t you want to just get away?”

Representatives for Jesus declined comment, but Tim Tebow decided to anyways.

“Jesus just needs to rest sometimes. He told me one time while I was the best player of all time in the history of sports that under the bed is a great place for him to hide because it is so cliché that most people wouldn’t really look for him there,” said Tebow, a projected NFL draft pick this coming week. “I guess now he is going to have to find other places to rest.”

Kenderson believes the study will actually help the Son of God as it will temporarily throw his followers off his trail.

“In terms of us releasing this study, we recognize that Jesus needs rest and in giving up his current hiding spot, it should trick the gullible public into immediately checking under the bed. Now Jesus will have a chance to find a new place to be found – like in a closet or a Lady Gaga song.”

Big Ben Behind Bars? Only in His Dreams

(Ben....dertaker, TruthBrush)

JahBanni

Milledgeville (Ga.) – Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit District Attorney Frederic D. Bright announced to a national audience yesterday that Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger would not face criminal charges stemming from an incident at a Milledgeville nightclub in early March. In his nearly hour long statement to the press Bright, or O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. has he likes to be called, lamented the length of his own job title while scolding Roethlisberger to, “…grow up.”

Roethlisberger, however, apparently missed the message of O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. Appearing at the Steelers’ South Side facility later in the day, Roethlisberger looked very much like a man disappointed at the lack of charges brought against him and a man very dedicated to proving that he is, indeed, sexual assault material. Or possibly a man with a promising career in the WWE ahead of him as the heir to the Undertaker throne. Or a man who ran away from his barber mid haircut and then accidentally got the rest of his hair stuck in an oil slick. Or a man about to take a late night drive with Tiger Woods after some Ambien and a few bad decisions. Or a man who is about to change into a black and white striped thermal t-shirt, tight black jeans, dye his hair black, paint his finger nails black, put on eye liner and a spiked collar, and then by a new pair of Doc Martins that look really old. One thing is for sure: Roethlisberger is not himself convinced that he did not commit a crime.

“Generally speaking, a person found to have not committed a crime such as sexual assault would not immediately appear at a press conference dressed as a person who has, or would, commit sexual assault,” said legal fashion maven and Ocmulgee Judicial Circuit Assistant District Attorney Manny Hector Martinez (O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M). “By shaving the sides of his head and then pushing the rest of his hair backwards, using a considerable grease source, Ben is saying that he wants to be viewed as a sicko.”

O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M., 43, has seen this proverbial fish before.

“Often times a person of stature who has committed a crime and gets away with it feels a measure of guilt towards the public and will dress subconsciously to fit the crime he or she may have gotten away with,” said O.J.C.A.D.A.M.H.M. “I was around when Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes burnt down Andre Rison’s house. She only got probation, but she dressed like a dragon for the next 3 months. It was odd.”

Even former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw commented on the situation, allegedly saying, “Look, I know a thing or two about bad hair. I am bald, but yet I have, and have had, hair that goes over the tips of my ears. How does that make sense? I’m learning to not like him.”

O.J.C.D.A.F.D.B. said in his statement, “We are not condoning Mr. Roethlisberger's actions that night. But we do not prosecute morals, we prosecute crimes.”

The way the Steelers quarterback presented himself to the public yesterday, it is clear that at least Roethlisberger thinks he committed one.

Or he was thinking about getting a haircut, and then decided midway through doing so that he didn’t want one anymore, so he stopped, but had to run out to get a new graphic t-shirt and didn’t want to look silly with the sides of his head shaved and long locks left on top, and decided it was a good idea to buy a vat of Crisco and go elbows deep in it before sweeping his remaining hair front to back….BUT THEN he remembered that he had recently not been charged for a crime that it sounded like he might have committed so he put on a nice pair of slacks and a golf shirt and asked the public to take him seriously as a leader. Either one.

Tickle Me...Biden? Government Worried Over New Epidemic

JahBanni

Eric Massa (D-NY) resigned from public office the first week in March amid speculation that he groped and tickled unsuspecting male staff members. At that time, much was made of his indiscretions as well as his substantially less than air tight reasoning for his resignation. In a period of three short days Massa blamed his health, the Democratic Party’s vendetta against him, and his own “salty language” for his resignation, ultimately causing many to wonder if he suffered short term memory loss or had decided to hire a “Jersey Shore” cast member as his PR rep. At the same time, however, many members of the government were worrying about a far more pressing consequence of the accusations made against Massa: the growing epidemic of man tickling in our governing bodies.

“Eric Massa is NOT the only person we know of that has engaged in gratuitous tickling of other men within the United States government,” said Fletcher Pearson, Special Advisor to the Special Advisor to the President. “And if we are not careful, this could get out of hand.”

Pearson is monitoring tickling situations all over the U.S., and even the world, at low levels of government looking to head off a potential public backlash. He estimates that 10 to 15 Senators have been warned just this month regarding their fast hands on male staff members.

“These Senators are a happy-go-lucky group,” says Pearson. “When they randomly start grabbing the sides of their male staffers and licking the sides of their faces, to them it is a show of camaraderie that they learned to do in the Navy where nobody could possibly be gay. You know? But that doesn’t mean public perception will see it that way.”

Congress and the Senate are where most of the accusations have occurred so far, but that could be changing quickly. Even the highest corners of the government are not immune to the rumors of man on man tickling. The internet is abuzz amid speculation that Vice President Joe Biden’s not so subtle use of an obscenity to President Obama last week was in fact a follow up to a conversation about tickling, and not the landmark Healthcare Bill. That would be a big f-cking deal.

“I can’t say much, but it had nothing to do with the bill,” said a White House staffer who wished to remain anonymous. “Apparently Biden caught wind of an accusation against him from one of (Nancy) Pelosi’s people saying that Biden had ‘goosed’ him on his way out of the West Wing’s Mexican Cantina.”

Neither Biden nor his representatives would comment for this story, but the White House could be under fire from more than just overly angry Conservatives in the near future. Pearson fears that this could be a full blown epidemic if it is not put to rest soon.

“We are really seeing a large increase in the number of tickle and groping related accusations. It could spread like wildfire if we don’t do something. It could, if we are not careful, bring down the government. And possibly the world.”

Healthcare Bill Returning Quick Results: Fat, Angry White Protestors Burning Calories at Record Rates

Corpulent Conservatives Conned into Conditioning

by: Aimin' for Failure

As irate, fat white people marched upon Washington to protest the universal health care bill, President Obama revealed the aim of the bill: to get irate, fat white people to march upon Washington and get some exercise.

In July of 2009, Barack Obama sat down with his most trusted health guru, Dr. Julius T. Pepper, to address the epidemic of surging health care costs. Dr. Pepper revealed the projected list for causes of death in America in the year 2020. Upon noticing that the top two killers will be obesity and stress-related heart failure, a plan was devised by the President.

“We did about 2 to 7 seconds of intense research to determine that exercise is the cure for both of these pandemics. However, it turns out that the only way to get Americans to exercise is by chasing them or casting them on The Biggest Loser. Well, we don’t have enough money to offer everyone a million to jump on a nordic track; and we couldn’t find anybody to chase the fat people... because ‘running’ was in the job description. The only remaining motivator was anger.” said the president.

The president borrowed a tactic that was stumbled upon by the Bush Administration. Results of scientific studies performed by The Electoral College revealed sharp declines in the weight of hippies during the Bush Presidency. It was discovered that the weight loss was the direct result of mass protesting.

Mr. Obama stated, "Look, these people are so chubby, and so furious, that they really need to burn off some steam. By passing a universal health care bill, I knew that I could count on Glen Beck to freak out and scare them into such a frothy anger that they would accidentally work out by stampeding Washington to protest... what’s that? oh, I shouldn’t have used stampede? Sorry... Marching."

“The cost of healthcare is ballooning, and the ballooning of Americans will be the #1 corpulent culprit. We needed to nip this in the bud. We estimate that this marching will proactively save our taxpayers trillions in obesity and stress related care."

No word yet on Rush Limbaugh living up to his promise to leave the country, which projects to save Americans millions on his Oxycodone addiction and subsequent perennial heart attack treatment.

Media Watch: (S)whine Flu

Above: The Media (Photo Courtesy of the Zoo Productions)

JahBanni - Opinion-budsman

Remember high school? Most of you probably do unless you had severe, uncontrollable drug problems that ripped your life apart by the seams and caused you irreparable damage. If you are one of those people, then this will be news to you. However, the rest of us can recall at least one time when you heard an unsubstantiated rumor become so far fetched and far reaching that people in neighboring schools really believed that you used to collect the wrappers from Klondike bars to ultimately melt them down into their purest silver form in a get rich or fat quick scheme. Maybe. But you can at least appreciate the work that goes into a rumor like that, which was obviously just a rumor because who would really do that?

Now, in present day/physically grown up terms, we must realize that the media is basically spreading a similar type of rumor on a global scale. For the record, I believe that “media” is in actuality a gigantic duckbilled platypus that wears Keds which have little lights in the heel, and presides over a board of directors of the major media conglomerates from an oversized bean bag chair in the hollowed out back of a Ford Econoline just outside of Boca Raton, Fla. That is just my rationalization as to why a group of people charged with keeping the general public informed on current events have completely lost touch with reality and promoted the swine flu with such fervor. That can be the only reason that otherwise intelligent people would possibly be so dumb. Platypus law.

A quick look at the facts tells us that swine flu comes from pigs and is easily controlled with treatment. A quick look at the news and you would think that 84% of the people on earth are infected and the 16% who remain unaffected are in danger of airborne infection. The reports of the first death in the United States from swine flu was in actuality a young Mexican boy who had come across the border seeking treatment, albeit too late. However, that fact was lost on the headline writers who proclaimed it as the first confirmed US death from swine flu.

In general, the media seems less interested in actually reporting the facts and more interested in creating hysteria. Hysteria leads to panic, panic leads to more provocative interviews, and such interviews lead to ratings. Ratings lead to advertising dollars and those dollars lead to fleet purchases of Ford Econolines. The platypus is devious and wise.

Platypus Media Translation regarding the swine flu: Swine flu, in fact, was developed by terrorists who hate babies and church. Its effects can be felt on the moon by space people, known as speople. These speople are owned and operated by gigantic corporations who only want to put mom and pop shops out of business and look to create monopolies that take advantage of the masses. These corporations have been working with the terrorists in an effort to carry out their plan. And it’s working. In platypus terms, the flu starts by attacking your feet and completely removing them from your body. It then gives you horrible diarrhea of the ear, and your elbows spontaneously combust. At this point you have only minutes to live. In those minutes you are attacked by a bear, get a migraine, and actually vomit up your clavicle. It is a fearsome disease that cannot be stopped. Ever.

Don’t let the facts get in the way, oh great platypus. Just keep feeding the beast. I’m getting another Klondike.

Report: Evidence of Steroid Use Among Biblical Elite

(David, pre-battle. Courtesy of Moses Inc., BC)

JahBanni

Egypt, Egypt (AP) – When David defeated Goliath during a battle between the Philistines and the Israelites, the biblical writer Samuel likely was struck by how miraculous a victory had been won by the future King of Israel. A relatively unknown soldier, David was smallish in comparison to Goliath, who stood either 6’7 or 9’6 depending on the account. His win over the Philistine became fodder for every underdog movie since, and eventually led to his being crowned King of Israel. In his new book, however, Moses claims that David used performance enhancing drugs during his training leading up to the battle. The yet to be released book, entitled “Biblical Bull: The New Test…osterone,” details this and other accounts of possible steroid use during religion’s early years.

“I feel this is the right time to come out with this information,” said Moses, at least 2009 years old at the time of this writing. “Given the stormy weather experienced by this generation’s baseball stars, I think the time is right to shed some light on a darker side…well maybe just a slightly darker side of religion. Given that every war seems to be fought in its name, you can’t really call this the ‘dark’ side.”

In the book, Moses alleges that David was warned by Saul weeks in advance of his impending battle with the giant, or just tall, Philistine warrior. Saul, who apparently only knew David through his cousin Yitzhak, the local butcher, had wagered heavily on the Israelites in the upcoming war and was prepared to do whatever it took to win the bet. Moses claims Saul contacted Greg Andersonberg, a local Bethlehem trainer and Dominican cousin of David, to provide the young soldier with HGH.

“David knew what was going on, but kept telling friends that his rapid weight gain was from a gefilte fish diet and lots of pushups,” says Moses, from his Hollywood Hills home. “He was in denial. He just wanted to win so badly, he was willing to sell his soul to the … well I won’t go that far, but he made a decision that he would be very ashamed of if he was still alive.”

David died in 970 BC, over 2,900 years ago, but he did win. Scientists estimate the speed of the rock he hurled into Goliath’s forehead to be somewhere around 217 mph. The force with which he beheaded the giant, or average sized basketball player, is estimated to have been enough to cut directly to the core of the earth.

Moses claims that steroid testing was not a typical practice at the time, so its use may have been more widespread than even He knows. Moses and God have not spoken in 50 years, since Moses first approached Him about the idea of a tell all.

“God wasn’t too excited about the idea, but if we’re all about telling the truth, then let’s tell it, you know? I mean this is confession on a global scale,” said Moses. “I did His bidding for a long time to help get Christianity to where he wanted it to be, and I was a bit hurt that he wasn’t behind me when it came time for me to get mines.”

With God refusing to give his blessing, Moses turned to every single publishing executive on Earth. Everyone of them offered immediately.

“The deal came together pretty quickly. Honestly, I changed a commandment just to make it happen, but I got this sick house and a Maybach in the car-port.”

In his book, Moses also admits to his own steroid use.

“I parted the Red Sea. Do you realize how ripped out of your mind you have to be to do that? Yes, I took HGH, testosterone, horse tranquilizers, tyrannosaurus-rex hormones, diuretics, the rub, the clear, the slightly off colored clear rub, and adamantium enhancers. Have you ever attempted to hold off billions of gallons of water on either side of you?”

This rampant steroid use doesn’t surprise the ironically named atheist leader Christian Curran.
“Some of the crazy things talked about in the bible and other religious texts are pretty obviously either farcical or only completed with use of PED’s. No wonder Moses and God no longer talk,” said Curran.

The true reason may not be known, but Moses has hinted that God may have been on PED’s when he rained fire and brimstone on the biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorra.

“I’m not ready to say that. But read between the biblical verse,” said Moses.

The Vatican has already reacted, quickly forming a task force in conjunction with the U.N. to unmask all previous PED users in religious history. Leaders from most of the world’s religions have already been called to testify, and the star witness, Moses himself (no relation to Raab), is scheduled to testify next Wednesday.

“I didn’t mean for this to create such a firestorm,” said Moses, sipping a Mojito. “I was really just looking to come clean to the billions of people who follow religion. Also, I will be boxing Willie Ames, the guy who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge, next week in Burbank.”

Wal-Mart Announces Bailout of U.S. Economy

Company will open doors Sunday AM and allow stampeding crowds to fight over currency, will also cut jobs in highly controversial manner

by Aimin' for Failure

Washington, D.C. -- (TruthBrush) Wal-Mart Stores Inc (WMT- Fortune 500) announced a capital infusion into the besieged U.S. Economy on Wednesday. In an unprecedented measure, the retail giant will become an actual shareholder in the United States.

In a press conference in front of the White House Press Corp, CEO Michael T. Duke issued some plans for the bailout. It appears that the company will be applying its tried and tested business model; “Wal-Mart will close stores down on Friday night at 11 PM. This will allow large throngs of people to gather outside of stores and fight for the cash once the doors open at 7 AM Saturday.” The statement was greeted with an immediate hysteria.

“As we move into the business of Government for the first time, we seek to integrate our business practices into our new industry… and quite frankly, nothing is more American than people literally killing each other for underpriced consumer goods.” Duke announced.

It appears that the recession has also taken a toll on the retail giant, and Duke also announced the company’s ultra-controversial plan to cut-back jobs. Rather than facing large costs of paying unemployment to laid-off “associates” (White-trash for “not-associates”), the company will – quite literally – downsize by attrition.

“We estimate that somewhere between 3,000 and 4,500 employees will be killed by stampeding capitalists on Saturday morning. We estimate that a large percentage of the deaths will be ‘Greeters.’ As this position is largely dominated by the elderly, this will save Wal-Mart countless millions of dollars in retirement and pension costs,” Duke announced. The plan is very controversial on the heels of a Long Island employee’s death on Black Friday.

Duke did not stop there; “On top of the 4,500 employees, our analysts estimate that somewhere around 7,513 shoppers will actually be killed by other bailout seekers that day; be it by stampede or bludgeoning by blunt objects, such as the Chrome Floor Lamp: on sale for $12.95! Saturday Only!!”

“Wal Mart is a bottom-line corporation. We get things done. Recessions mean that there are too many people and not enough money. Well, not only are we adding more money to America, we’re actually going to be subtracting some Americans.”

“James Carville likes to describe Government as a cut-throat business… but we actually prefer to just crush people”.

Wal-Mart has long established a system of success by selling bulk-purchased merchandise at a loss in order to run mom-and-pop community businesses bankrupt; at which point they raise prices to attain profits. The company plans to apply the same strategy in the Government market by offering products and currency at a cut rate. This will drive up inflation and devalue the actual American Dollar, forcing the U.S Treasury into foreclosure.

"...not only are we adding more money to America, we're actually going to be subtracting some Americans"

“We plan to put the Treasury Reserves and U.S. Mint out of business. Once the Dollar is devalued, we can start our own currency - The WalMark, at which point we will begin can start buying foreign countries,” said Duke.

Citizens hoping for action had better prepare to be disappointed, as the bailout includes Wal-Mart controlling partial interests in the F.B.I. and S.E.C.

Election Over: Joe the Plumber back to unclogging shit

Joe the Plumber Back to Pre-Election role: Joe the Really, Really Dumb Guy.

by Aimin' for Failure

Toledo, Ohio (Truthbrush) - - Now that the election is over, it appears that the illustrious political career of Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher has come to an end. Unfortunately, the harsh realities are settling in, and good old Joe has to resume his previous persona: an obnoxiously stupid person.

Joe the plumber conspicuously emerged as an “undecided voter” who forced his way up to now-President Obama and asked him tough questions. Curiously, he was cited 406 times in the subsequent debate by Senator McCain. More curiously, he began making appearances for McCain all over the country. Most curiously, many people actually didn’t connect the dots that he was a giant marketing ploy and campaign tool.

Unfortunately, Joe quickly showed why plumbers shouldn’t test their hand in a Presidential Race. While speaking on McCain’s behalf at a Town Hall which started resembling a Klan Meeting; an audience member said: “Joe, I think that a vote for Obama means a vote for the death of Israel.” To which, the uncouth Plumber responded… “I’m going to have to go aheand and agree with you on that one.”

Here is the clip, he even gets torched by Fox News. This interview illustrated why Triangle Tech Alumni are better at running dishwasher hoses than Countries.

Historians quickly concluded that this was the most ill-advised statement in the history of American Politics since Abraham Lincoln concluded the Gettysburg Address with “Hey Gettysburg, who wants to see my [expletive]?”

Now, I’m probably going to sound a little bit arrogant or condescending, or even disparaging towards the plumbing profession. So let me preface it by going on the record saying Joe the Plumber is a human just like you and I… except he is a Plumber.

Immediately upon potty training, I immediately identified plumbing as something that I would use every breath to avoid. The fear of pulling peoples pubes out of drain-clogs consumed my life. Almost every waking moment was spent meticulously working to avoid the plumbing profession. If there are any young readers out there with the same fears; I will now map out the course.

List of things that I did to avoid turning out like Joe the Plumber.

1. Reading.
   

The reason Wurzelbacher got into the plumbing profession is because of his long history of being attracted to shiny objects. When he realized that he could use shiny Channel-lock Pliers to tighten galvanized steel and copper pipes, he was sold. This fixation held true when McCain asked Joe if his campaign could exploit him. Joe could not resist when he saw the shiny bald head of the Republican Candidate.

He was meant to be a hard working American whom many Amurricans could identify with. The only problem was that it was difficult for people like me to believe that such a diligent worker could miss about 25 consecutive days of work to go to rallies and say stupid things.


Things Go from Bad to Worse for Joe:

Joe returned to Ohio today to learn that his clients had been taken by “Super” Mario and Luigi Mario. It added insult to injury for Joe. Residents of his town were pissed when their pipes were clogging and their plumber was nowhere to be found.

“I took a giant smash at a Halloween party, I tried to call Joe’s plumbing, but he was in North Carolina making people dumber. I had no choice, I found new plumbers in the yellow pages.” Said N. Emma Felcher of Toledo, Ohio. “It was really embarrassing, because everybody at the party had to use the 7-Eleven down the street.”

Joe immediately has taken to the media to tell people how Barack Obama has ruined his life. “I told you people that Barack would steal my job; and now look: immigrants took it. Now I have no money, and these Spaghetti-benders are running around taking my business. Greasy Dagos.”

Super Mario Plumbing declined comment as to their current Visa status.

“Have you ever been to Toledo?” asked Toledo Mayor Richard Blumpkin. “I don’t care if they are illegal immigrants; we need as many plumbers as possible.”

Even worse for Wurzelbacher: He has already been forgotten as America’s most famous surnameless individual. This morning, Barack Obama made a brief appearance at a train station before boarding Thomas the Tank Engine, and Popeye the Sailorman deployed for his third tour of duty in the Persian Gulf.

NAMBLA Outs Superstars, Hopes to Hit Mainstream

(At right, Todd Marrish's Econoline, courtesy of The TruthBrush)

JahBanni

Topeka, Kan. (TruthBrush) - The North American Man Boy Love Association, or NAMBLA as it is uncommonly referred to, is looking to go big time. The creepy weirdos released a statement yesterday promoting a new album full of songs by celebrities who purportedly are part of the association’s supposedly wide-ranging membership. The release and upcoming album are part of a new public relations push looking for universal acceptance of statutory relationships between yucky old men and unsuspecting young versions.

Todd Marrish, head weirdo of NAMBLA, held a press conference yesterday in the back of a windowless van in the alley of a candy shop just outside of Topeka, Kansas. Marrish, a balding man with a long brown and flowing braided tail, tinted yellow glasses, and a disheveled mustache, says despite any claims to the contrary the celebrities included on the album are in fact members of NAMBLA.

“It is time we come clean,” said the 39 year-old Marrish inside the 1987 Ford Econoline from which NAMBLA operates. “We have tens of members and we want to be accepted. Out of all our members, many are celebrities with great musical talents, and we want that to be known.”

NAMBLA’s debut album, entitled “Maybe YOU’RE Crazy: Artists for Acceptance” is set to feature songs from famous artists such as Gary Glitter, Pete Townshend of The Who, and most notably the King of Pop himself – Michael Jackson.

All three of the artists have denied any involvement with the project and claim any of the songs used on the compilation were previous works not intended for use as part of a NAMBLA publicity campaign. All three, however, have in the past been linked to inappropriate contact with children, while only Jackson has been accused of carousing with young boys.

“Gary has not recorded music in years,” said Sarah Sequin, 14, his wife and advisor. “He is unequivocally not part of this association.”

Lawyers for Townshend have been equally as forthcoming with their denials. “Pete wrote songs such as ‘My Generation’ and albums such as ‘Tommy’ for The Who. He never recorded the song on the album. It’s fact,” wrote Thomas Thompson, Townshend’s lawyer.

Michael Jackson actually went public to defend himself. Earlier this morning, appearing in the mirror of a London hotel, Jackson claimed the song on the album IS in fact performed by him, but was intended as a public service address for parenting. “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down On Me,” was a re-make of the classic Elton John song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtwXlhU-J-c), intended to help parents see signs of dangerous behavior by their children.

“I never intended for this song to fall into the hands of a disgusting group like NAMBLA,” said Jackson. “I am actually a member, but this song shouldn’t be on the album.”

Marrish doesn’t buy the claims, and will continue his plan to release the album.

“I’m saddened to hear these denials by three of our most honorable members,” said Marrish. “But it does not weaken our resolve to become part of mainstream America.”

Marrish, who offered Spree, Nerds, Kit-Kat’s and other candies to those who entered the van for the press conference, expects the album to be released shortly after he serves his upcoming 3 month sentence on weird and socially and morally disgusting behavior charges.

Game Misconduct?

Palin Drops the Gloves, Vice Presidential Ball

byJahbanni

Kitchener, Ontario – Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin may have taken a penalty yesterday that will cost her party far greater than another team’s goal on the ensuing power play. This potential penalty could cost the Palin and her running mate, Sen. John McCain, residence in the White House and could possibly land Palin herself in the big house. Palin allegedly assaulted Joe Sixpack in the parking lot of a local ice rink yesterday, in the culmination of a youth hockey event gone terribly wrong for the Governor of Alaska.

The incident occurred after Willow Palin’s hockey team was eliminated in the third round of a youth tournament being held at Kitchener’s Basementer Ice Arena. As it often does with hockey parents, a borderline dirty play in the third period raised tensions throughout the arena with multiple parents heard screaming infidelities at their counterparts.

“Your hair,” bellowed Mitchell Michelle of Saskatoon, “is EVERYWHERE.”

The game itself finished without incident, but Palin was clearly incensed. Witnesses say Palin was seen removing jewelry as the buzzer sounded and even broke off her French Canadian manicured nails. Sixpack, 25-50, of Everywhere U.S.A., Alaska, began walking his daughter Ivanna to the concession stand to get her a Gatorade and himself a namesake, according to close friend Mewelde Middleclass, 34 of Every Middleclass Neighborhood in Amurrica, Alaska. Sixpack and Palin had never exchanged words, according to sources, but Palin apparently could not control her incredible rage.

“Darn it Joe, now dontcha make me do theeeis in front of the keeids,” Palin was overheard saying. “I’m gonna healfta lose my mind on you Joe. You wanna go?”

Sixpack, a former hockey player himself who recently has fallen on hard times due to the price of food, gas, and beer and a lack of change, was not willing to meet the VP candidate’s challenge.

“It’s not the right time,” slurred Sixpack. “Next face-off, next face-off.”

Palin, however, was undeterred. As Sixpack attempted to skate to his car, Palin approached him from behind, and gave him a face wash. Sixpack turned to face his assailant as Palin circled shaking her mittens in an attempt to goad the father of 3 into a scrap. Sixpack bluffed, faking the dropping of his car keys, but that was all Palin needed. Her mittens hit the pavement, and her fists hit their targets, Sixpack’s face.

A spirited bout ensued with Palin holding the early edge thanks to a few quick shots on the stunned Sixpack. Sixpack recovered when he was able to grab hold of Palin’s hockey mom jersey and get it halfway over her head, landing two rights of his own. Palin eventually finished the bout as she wiggled out of the jersey and freed herself from the constricting Vice Presidential elbow pad to land a series of vicious rights, leaving Sixpack turtled on the pavement next to his mini-van.

Scotty Bowman, in attendance due to his love of youth women’s hockey, saw the exchange as a cowardly act on the part of Palin.

“It was a cheap fight. No honor,” said Bowman, currently in an advisory role with the Detroit Red Wings/Green Party. “It was an attack, not a fight – similar to Marty McSorley and Todd Bertuzzi. Palin had one thing on her mind the whole time she was on the black ice – revenge. Most dogs don’t know now to use a canoe.”

His curious last comment aside, Bowman believes Palin will pay a steep price when her sentence is handed down.

“Oh, for sure, yeah,” said Bowman. “For sure.”

When reached for comment, Sixpack said, “There is just no place for that in hockey parenting. If I was Eric Everyman from Dayton Ohio, would she treat me like that? No. But because I’m Joe Sixpack, from Alaska, and a hockey dad, she feels its within her rights as a Vice Presidential candidate to drop the mittens and throw when I’m not interested in returning the favor. It’s not over. Our daughters play another 3 times this season, and I won’t go out of my way, but put it this way - I’ll know where she is on the black ice after the game.”

Palin, for her part, was seemingly apologetic when reached for comment.

“One thing that Americans do at this time, also, though, is let's commit ourselves just every day American people, Joe Sixpack, hockey moms across the nation, I think we need to band together and say never again.”

When asked if that meant hanging up her mom-skates, Palin was unclear in her answer. “You know, I think a good barometer here, as we try to figure out has this been a good time or a bad time in America's economy, is go to a kid's soccer game on Saturday, and turn to any parent there on the sideline and ask them, ‘How are you feeling about the economy?’”

She later denied, however, being at fault in the attack instead placing blame on Sixpack family friends, allegedly Larry and Lorraine Lender, for instigating the brawl by running the goalie in 8th grade.

“Darn right it was the predator lenders,” scorched Palin.

Kitchener Mounted Police Chief, Artie Aboatman, said charges have been filed, though he declined to confirm the rumor that Palin was facing instigating charges as well.

Palin is due in a Kitchener Court Roomer later this year.

Waldo Goes to OSU on Hide-and-Seek Scholarship

Where's Waldo?... Columbus. Gets full ride to play Hide-and-Seek for the Buckeyes.

By Aimin' for Failure

Jeanette, PA (Truthbrush) - - Ohio State’s Hide and Seek team, ranked #4 nationally, received a huge shot in the arm when they received a signed commitment from one of the most highly sought-after recruits of all time, Waldo.

Waldo was being courted by many of the top teams in the country. He had narrowed it down to Michigan, Ohio State and Penn State, three well known Big Ten HandS programs. The recruitment came down to the wire; it even went past National Signing Day. But in the end Waldo chose the Buckeyes. When reached for comment, he said. “I'm from PA and I really love Penn State, but when it came down to it, Ohio State just paid me a lot of money. Check out my sweet red and white striped corvette.”

Waldo joins an already strong HandS team at OSU, a team loaded with disappearing talent. Most notably: Bigfoot, The Unabomber, The Wizard of Oz and Brittany Spears’ Dignity. They are coached by the most famous Hider of all time: Richard Simmons, who has been hiding in the closet for over three decades.

Waldo received a great deal of fame and notoriety in the 90’s due mostly to his “Where’s Waldo?” book series. Born Ryan Walde, his head swelled to enormous proportions, and he shortened his moniker to a single-name… reminiscent of other arrogant celebrities like Cher, Pele, The Undertaker, Bambi and God (full name God Shammgod).

Waldo, after starring in his series of Where's Waldo books, made a name for himself as one of the top illusionists in the country. He has appeared in paintings, pictures and also in court for appearing in the rooms of unsuspecting women. It is widely believed that Waldo has been using his camouflaging abilities for all of the wrong reasons.

In recent years, Waldo befriended Chris Angel and David Blaine, two of the other top illusionists in the world; also two of the biggest creeps in North America. They spent a great deal of time trying to pick up underage girls at malls with magic and illusions on TV. After a 2003 rape allegation, rumors began to swirl about Waldo’s use of his abilities.

“Fame came hard to him;” said friend and fellow character Wanda. “Waldo thought he could have any woman he wanted. But look at him… he is a giant creep, so it never really worked that way for him. Unfortunately, he’s a lot better at hiding than talking to girls. So Waldo would meet a girl at a bar, get rejected by her, and be hiding in her hotel room or apartment when she got home.”

“His favorite song was Clay Aiken’s. The one with the lyrics: ‘If I was invisible, I would just watch you in your room.” Said Wanda. “It’s pretty creepy when you think about it.”

Waldo has gotten off of 2 rape charges and 7 charges of stalking and trespassing. Many believe that these charges were dropped due to his high profile and bright future in Hide and Seek.

This is the most publicity Waldo has received since he won a lawsuit against a sex-toy company for a wall mounted sex toy which used his name. He was awarded 19 dollars.

Holy Phobia Batman!

Caped Crusader Caves, Changes HQ

Batman at his new HQ (TruthBrush)

By Jah Banni

Gotham City (TruthBrush) – Bruce Wayne is a confident man. Confident enough to run a multi-billion dollar organization in a fictional city. Confident enough to pretend that everyone in his fictional hometown doesn’t realize that he is also Batman. On Monday, however, Wayne was confident in something much less soothing to his sizable ego: taphophobia.

According to a random online medical dictionary, taphophobia is defined as a morbid fear of being buried alive. Due to complications from this social disorder, Wayne announced yesterday that he was moving Batman’s headquarters to an office park on the outskirts of Gotham.

“I cannot tell you the exact address – I don’t want my considerable list of enemies knowing exactly where I operate from,” said Wayne, dressed now as Batman. “But I can assure you that my commute will not affect my ability to fight crime in this great city. I may be able to take the subway sometimes, and other times Gotham’s great cab drivers may be needed as well. The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it? But this should be a really great move for us.”

To be clear, Wayne Enterprises is staying put at its current location. Only Batman’s secret hideout is moving to an undisclosed location just north of the city in an office park pictured above.

“I don’t mind the picture, there is really no way my gigantic list of enemies could ever deduce my whereabouts with just this picture as evidence,” said Batman. “They would need to know that I’m now on Keaton St. and other information like that, which I’m not willing to give them.”

Dr. Richard Kimball, Batman’s PCP, says the phobia from which Batman suffers is extremely crippling.

“Look, the man worked out of a cave,” said Kimball. “The fear of being buried alive would be almost impossible to overcome in that case. Now that he is at the undisclosed location on Keaton St., he should have no such fears. It is really a nice space.”

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"The Batmobile is a real gas guzzler and with today’s gas prices soaring, I don’t think it would be fiscally responsible to continue driving long distances at high rates of speed. It would be foolish really. Hell, what’s the point of public transportation if you don’t take advantage of it?"

- Batman

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Rychard Gasparsciullo, the CBRE sales associate in charge of the office park, says Batman got an excellent deal.

“He really got a pretty good deal. It’s definitely a step up from his cave. I can’t think of anyone who would say otherwise. He has a nice car, and so do I, so it is a pretty good deal for everyone.”

Wayne’s butler and longtime confidant, Alfred Pennyworth, said he is disappointed by the move, but worries what would have become of Wayne/Batman had they remained in the cave.

“He was really becoming quite skittish,” said Pennyworth. “A friend tried to get him to join the Scientology movement, but he said no. But he did drink a lot. Drunk Batman did not equal cool Batman. He cried a lot.”

Robin, Batman’s sidekick and boy wonder, is happy for him but doesn’t expect to move his own secret hideout.

“I’m really excited for him,” said Robin. “But this male strip club has always been my home, and I’m not ready to make such a move. And nobody has found me yet, so why move when you love the place you’re in?”

James Gordon, Gotham City’s Commissioner, is also happy for his longtime friend and ally.

“Bruce, er, Batman is a dear friend of mine personally and of the city we live in. He deserves that palace of an office park on Keaton St. just past the McDonalds on the left,” said Gordon. “I just hope people don’t go looking for him. That wouldn’t be a good idea for anyone. But I don’t think they could find him anyways.”

Today, Wayne says, he is more confident than yesterday.

“I am very confident. Very much so. Look, yesterday I was scared that my house was going to cave in on me,” says Wayne, smelling of gin and not wearing any boots. “Today, I know that if I want McDonalds, and I’m in the office I can just run over and get it. I know that if someone in town is in trouble, our public transportation systems will get me there in plenty of time at a low cost to save the day. And I know my office won’t attack me.”

Gotham City, should be so confident.

Study Shows Pregnancy More Common in Women

Maybe the mama? (Photo courtesy of Rambo)

By Jah Banni

Rochester, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Freida Dirte, a lead OBGYN at the Mayo Clinic, claims new research emphatically shows pregnancy to be unlikely to occur in men. According to her study, women are the leading cause of birth in the United States.

“In most instances, we have found that men who appear pregnant are, in fact, not,” said Dirte, 37. “More often than not, they are just overweight or hiding a bulbous object in their bodies.”

Statistics released show that 98.4% of all babies in the United States are born by women, .7% born by the Spears family, .5% by surrogates outside the U.S., .3% by wives of Tom Cruise, and the rest by men. Manbirths, as they are commonly known, are very uncommon in urban areas and tend to be exclusive to areas such as Idaho and Idaho.

“We know that Scientology, Tom Cruise, and babies are synonymous. We know the same about Britney and Jamie Lynn. But after those two, Manbirths are the most common form of childbirth outside of women,” said Dirte. “But it is important for the general public to realize, this is very real, but not every man that looks pregnant is, in fact, with child.”

How, though, will we know when a man is pregnant or when he is a drug runner hired by a Columbian transvestite to undergo surgery to insert drugs, money, and a November issue of Popular Mechanics magazine for smuggling purposes? How will we know when a man is with child or just enjoys circular objects in his gut? To help educate America about its pregnant males, Dr. Dirte created the following chart detailing the differences.

Still, laypeople are still confused by the phenomenon. Marcel Ricot, a French Canadian in the U.S. to teach hockey to infants, could not tell the difference.

“It makes little, eh eh eh, how you say, sents? Sents? Sense. It makes no sense,” said Ricot, of Montreal. “They all look weird.”

More confusing yet, even to OBGYN’s, is how men get pregnant in the first place. Various studies are currently underway, but Dr. Dirte warns not to expect an answer too soon.

“It is going to be a very long road before we really figure this out,” said Dirte, “but as of now our only lead is that Tom Cruise is the father of all manbirthed children we have studied. That is not to say this will hold true from here on out, but its hard not to think that way.”

According to Dr. Dirte, men who become pregnant feel the same side affects as their female counterparts including increased appetite, mood swings, and the need to take naked photos.

“If you know a man who may be pregnant, please contact the Mayo Clinic. It is a very traumatic experience and we have a team on hand to handle it, which is why they’re on hand,” said Dirte.

Donkey Punches Dole

Lawsuit Likely In Banana Wreck

by Jah Banni

(Donkey Kong - Image Courtesy of Diddy Kong)

A beloved member of the Nintendo family is facing a long recovery after suffering two broken hoofs and a cracked sternum in a nasty dust-up over the weekend. Donkey Kong, 26, was hurt Saturday when his kart struck a banana and veered off the road on a rural section of Toad’s Turnpike. Lead investigator and close friend Koopa Troopa said that Kong was lucky to be alive.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

(The section of Toad's Turnpike where Kong krashed)

“This kind of thing has to stop.”

Diddy Kong, a nephew and close confidant of Donkey Kong, believes there was foul play involved - on the part of the banana company.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

- Koopa Troopa

“I don’t think there is any doubt the banana company has shown gross negligence in this case,” said an obviously shaken Diddy Kong. “We have been seeing this very same incident repeated over and over for the past 15 years. It was one thing when people like my Uncle and Yoshi and Toad were on the track doing it for the entertainment of others, but we are seeing an increased amount of banana related accidents and something has to change.”

Donkey Kong’s racing past, including repeat appearances in the Mushroom, Flower, Star and Special Cups could not prevent the accident, something his nephew also blames on the Banana producer.

“The bananas, they are actually grown strictly to blow up the hovering balloons on the side of the karts we drive. How many corporations can say they produce something strictly to hurt the way of life of the public? Apparently only Dole,” said the angry younger Kong.

“It is early, but the odds of a lawsuit are high. We need to sit down as a family with Uncle Donkey and our team of lawyers and decide where to go from here.”

Donkey Kong was not racing, nor dueling, at the time of his accident. According to Koopa Troopa he was on his way home from Dr. Mario’s office, ironically hauling a large load of barrels in his kart, when the banana positioned itself just onto the road near a bend in Toad’s Turnpike. After the wreck, Kong was returned to Doc Mario’s office where he was treated and sent home to rest.

Representatives from Dole told The Truth Brush they would have no comment on the incident.

Suicide Rates Skyrocketing Amongst Terrorists

By: Eamon Conway
Truthbrush Middle-East and Middle-North Poorespondent

Gaza Strip -- Alex "Ali" Rodriguez, A 17-year-old Suicide Bomber, detonated himself Monday in a crowded market in a heavily Jewish settlement. Fortunately, there were absolutely no fatalities and even zero reported injuries. Unfortunately for the Terrorist, his evil plot actually supplied quite the dramatically opposite effect. He failed to inflict any harm – other than his own – but did manage to provide a breathtaking fireworks show for all of the intended victims.

“It was awesome, it was like a really cool light show with gore and brains and guts too. It was like Saw IV combined with a Michael Bay action movie. It had explosions, lights, sounds, blood, gore and body parts.” Said a 15 year old witness.

The act was the latest of an increasing trend of suicide within the terrorist communities of Palestine and Iraq. The suicide rate, especially amongst teenage-terrorists, has been rising dramatically of late.

“If these kids don’t stop killing themselves, we're not going to have anyone left to blow themselves up.” Said Hammas Leader George Steinbrenner.

Rodriguez exhibited all of the signs. He had recently given away his prized possessions like his Miley Cyrus albums and Nike Air-Jihad Sandals. After being picked on by other students at T.I. – The Terrorism Institue - Rodriguez began listening to Emo bands like Camelboard Confessional. He wallowed in self pity, and convinced himself that his life was indeed harder than everyone else on the planet… including all poverty-stricken children, even those who lived within his village.

Terrorist leaders are very disturbed by the development of losing some of their youngest members; and are searching for explanations. They have launched a full scale investigation into the matter; discovering a suspicious trend among the suicide notes, which they think may lead them to someone upon whom to place the blame.

A leader identifying himself as Ayatollah Bob said: “We think we have found the person responsible for these suicides, and we think it is Allah.”

“We discovered a common theme within the suicide notes, most of them have been written “In the name of Allah or Mohammed”. It appears to be a cryptic message, and we believe that Allah and Mohammed may have returned to Earth as a rap or heavy metal group, and are telling kids to kill themselves.

“They are doing this through music… This is all reminiscent of the 80’s in Great Satan [America] when many kids offed themselves and quoted Ozzy Osborne lyrics in suicide notes.

“These kids are being influenced by music and television. This is the Devil…the Infidels are invading our culture through technology to corrupt our youth and disrupt our Jihad. We need to find the bands responsible for this, even if it is our Prophet Mohammed, and issue a Fatwah [death sentence] to hunt them down to stop them from killing our children. We will blow them up by sending children in with bombs strapped to them.”