Donkey Punches Dole

Lawsuit Likely In Banana Wreck

by Jah Banni

(Donkey Kong - Image Courtesy of Diddy Kong)

A beloved member of the Nintendo family is facing a long recovery after suffering two broken hoofs and a cracked sternum in a nasty dust-up over the weekend. Donkey Kong, 26, was hurt Saturday when his kart struck a banana and veered off the road on a rural section of Toad’s Turnpike. Lead investigator and close friend Koopa Troopa said that Kong was lucky to be alive.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

(The section of Toad's Turnpike where Kong krashed)

“This kind of thing has to stop.”

Diddy Kong, a nephew and close confidant of Donkey Kong, believes there was foul play involved - on the part of the banana company.

“Honestly, I don’t know how he made it,” said Koopa, a state Troopa for 15 years. “He lost two of the three hovering balloons when he hit the banana, and the last one went after he spun into the fence over there,” Koopa said as he pointed at the crash site.

- Koopa Troopa

“I don’t think there is any doubt the banana company has shown gross negligence in this case,” said an obviously shaken Diddy Kong. “We have been seeing this very same incident repeated over and over for the past 15 years. It was one thing when people like my Uncle and Yoshi and Toad were on the track doing it for the entertainment of others, but we are seeing an increased amount of banana related accidents and something has to change.”

Donkey Kong’s racing past, including repeat appearances in the Mushroom, Flower, Star and Special Cups could not prevent the accident, something his nephew also blames on the Banana producer.

“The bananas, they are actually grown strictly to blow up the hovering balloons on the side of the karts we drive. How many corporations can say they produce something strictly to hurt the way of life of the public? Apparently only Dole,” said the angry younger Kong.

“It is early, but the odds of a lawsuit are high. We need to sit down as a family with Uncle Donkey and our team of lawyers and decide where to go from here.”

Donkey Kong was not racing, nor dueling, at the time of his accident. According to Koopa Troopa he was on his way home from Dr. Mario’s office, ironically hauling a large load of barrels in his kart, when the banana positioned itself just onto the road near a bend in Toad’s Turnpike. After the wreck, Kong was returned to Doc Mario’s office where he was treated and sent home to rest.

Representatives from Dole told The Truth Brush they would have no comment on the incident.

Suicide Rates Skyrocketing Amongst Terrorists

By: Eamon Conway
Truthbrush Middle-East and Middle-North Poorespondent

Gaza Strip -- Alex "Ali" Rodriguez, A 17-year-old Suicide Bomber, detonated himself Monday in a crowded market in a heavily Jewish settlement. Fortunately, there were absolutely no fatalities and even zero reported injuries. Unfortunately for the Terrorist, his evil plot actually supplied quite the dramatically opposite effect. He failed to inflict any harm – other than his own – but did manage to provide a breathtaking fireworks show for all of the intended victims.

“It was awesome, it was like a really cool light show with gore and brains and guts too. It was like Saw IV combined with a Michael Bay action movie. It had explosions, lights, sounds, blood, gore and body parts.” Said a 15 year old witness.

The act was the latest of an increasing trend of suicide within the terrorist communities of Palestine and Iraq. The suicide rate, especially amongst teenage-terrorists, has been rising dramatically of late.

“If these kids don’t stop killing themselves, we're not going to have anyone left to blow themselves up.” Said Hammas Leader George Steinbrenner.

Rodriguez exhibited all of the signs. He had recently given away his prized possessions like his Miley Cyrus albums and Nike Air-Jihad Sandals. After being picked on by other students at T.I. – The Terrorism Institue - Rodriguez began listening to Emo bands like Camelboard Confessional. He wallowed in self pity, and convinced himself that his life was indeed harder than everyone else on the planet… including all poverty-stricken children, even those who lived within his village.

Terrorist leaders are very disturbed by the development of losing some of their youngest members; and are searching for explanations. They have launched a full scale investigation into the matter; discovering a suspicious trend among the suicide notes, which they think may lead them to someone upon whom to place the blame.

A leader identifying himself as Ayatollah Bob said: “We think we have found the person responsible for these suicides, and we think it is Allah.”

“We discovered a common theme within the suicide notes, most of them have been written “In the name of Allah or Mohammed”. It appears to be a cryptic message, and we believe that Allah and Mohammed may have returned to Earth as a rap or heavy metal group, and are telling kids to kill themselves.

“They are doing this through music… This is all reminiscent of the 80’s in Great Satan [America] when many kids offed themselves and quoted Ozzy Osborne lyrics in suicide notes.

“These kids are being influenced by music and television. This is the Devil…the Infidels are invading our culture through technology to corrupt our youth and disrupt our Jihad. We need to find the bands responsible for this, even if it is our Prophet Mohammed, and issue a Fatwah [death sentence] to hunt them down to stop them from killing our children. We will blow them up by sending children in with bombs strapped to them.”

Band of Drummers

Election May be in the Bag ... Pipe?

By Jah Banni

Des Moines, Iowa - The 2008 Presidential Election debate tour is heating up the airwaves and the potential candidates alike. According to one man, however, all of this effort may prove to be more futile than a rock concert for the deaf. Tron Boan, leader of the League of American Marching Band Society believes the election has, in fact, already been decided.

“When the song ends,” says Boan, 54, “the L.A.M.B.S. will have decided the next leader of the free world.”

If Boan comes off as brazenly prophetic, it is by design.

“I am the leader of the L.A.M.B.S., what amounts to a nationwide high school band,” the sinewy L.A.M.B.S. leader boats. “I have, at the least 100,000 high school bands with approximately 80 kids in each band at my disposal. This means I have approximately 8 hundred billion young people to vote for the same person.”

While Boan’s math is only somewhat accurate, his premise is played at the perfect pitch. At least one political analyst, Dunville F. Wasp, agrees.

“High school bands are the single greatest voting power in the United States. There are just so many of them. On top of that, they break down race, religion, and class barriers,” said Wasp. “They own the vote in their respective schools and never, ever vote against the majority.”

This much we know. 98.3% of all important high school elections either go to band members or people the band supports. Evidence of this can be seen from a lawsuit filed late last week in Bethesda, Md. In the suit, the family of Michelle Endaygay Ochello asserts the band fixed a vote for Homecoming Queen, taking away the win from their “more popular and beautiful” daughter. The winner, not surprisingly was Louise Nastay, a junior tuba player in the marching band. The suit, while currently unsettled, represents a microcosm of the power marching bands have in America.

Others have also questioned recent results in democratically decided votes. For instance, the new Boulder, Col. Police Chief is 16 year old Michael Steinowitz, formerly a flutist in his high school band. Mandy Frenkel, 18, recently left her post as trumpeter in the Dade County High School band to accept a position as President and CEO of Disney Corp. Wasp believes this trend will continue.

“I think in the future we will see marching bands making almost every important decision in this country,” said Wasp. “Only since they started playing Tron Boan’s song have they truly harnessed their potential.”

The boastful Boan believes people will realize soon enough how hard it will be to silence the L.A.M.B.S. With the current requirements to become President, Boan realizes it will be impossible to have a high school band member elected to the position, but already knows who they will vote for.

“It rhymes with Britt Homney,” laughed Boan.

If Boan is correct, the world will soon be playing his song.

Soulja Boy Declares War on Enjoyable Hip-hop

Promoted to Jeneral, the rapper also takes on Terrorism

By: Eamon Conway Truthbrush Music / War Poorespondent

Covert plans were revealed by the government about the war on terror that might help to explain the strange and improbable rise of Soulja Boy’s music career. Scratch that… sound career.

President Bush, seeking advice from new sources for the war on terror, met with the wisest of all mortal soothsayers: the unfaltering tutor of the Fresh Prince - Uncle Phil. During the meeting, Uncle Phil (actor James Avery) told Bush; “Unless you can find Superman, this war is going to drag on forever.”

President Bush sought out Superman, but was informed by Marvel Comics that Superman was in fact a fictional character. The government then sought out the next best thing: Soulja Boy. Bush said: "I've heard this song, I don't know how he managed to turn Superman into a verb, but I like it. He has done a great job Supermanning garden tools, now he's going to superman the terrorists." With that, Soulja Boy was promoted to Jeneral Boy, and formally placed in charge of implementing the War on Terror.

"It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it"
- C.I.A. Agent, Calvin Brodus

In his debriefing of the CIA and the Military, Jeneral Boy laid out his blueprint to revive the war on Terror. "If I can make the worst music ever created, and get all of mainstream America to buy into it, I can make our country so unbearable that even terrorists will refuse to visit long enough to bomb us. I will win the war by starting a new one… the war on hip-hop.”

Soulja Boy released Crank That. A train-wreck of an 8 second aimless steel-drum beat underneath a chanting hook and repetitive lyrics that were written by Chief Mongoloid, a Native American Chief with a severe speech impediment. What resulted was 8 seconds of mindless chanting over steel-drums repeated over and over for 4 minutes. The song was completely created and recorded in 11 minutes.

“This song will leave the same mark on music that McDonald’s left on American Cuisine… and health;” said Jeneral Boy.

With that, the government commanded MTV and BET to push Crank That as a hot song. CIA Agent Calvin Brodus said; “This song is so terrible that we were very apprehensive about Operation Crank That. We couldn’t believe that people were actually buying it as a legit song. It turns out that when white people are told by black people that something is cool, they have an insatiable appetite to steal it, especially if they don’t understand it.”

Operation Crank That has been a rousing success. The song rocketed to #1 on the billboard hit list. White kids everywhere are blasting it out of their parents SUV’s. It is ubiquitous in bars and clubs. The number of Americans who can locate Canada on a globe is currently lower than the number of Americans who know the Superman Dance. There have been zero terrorist attacks in this time span.

“I thought the CD player was broken and it just kept skipping.” Said Lou Diamond Phillips, an actor of absolutely no relevance to this story.

Jeneral Boy has his sights set next on the War in Iraq. He outlined plans to “Supaman Iraqi Culture” by infesting it with his new single. “Once they hear this song, the insurgents will immediately become so stupid that they won’t be able to operate a Rocket-Propelled-Grenade or detonate a bomb. The country will be Terrorist-free by the time I hit #1 over there.”

Unfortunately, without white kids, it looks unlikely that the song will catch on in Iraq.

Jeneral Boy also enlisted the likes of D4L, the Shop Boyz and Dem Franchize Boyz with the aim to flood American Culture with “ATL crunk” hip-hop. A form of noise originating from Atlanta - heavy on chanting and repetition, light on lyrics, and completely devoid of thought or aesthetically pleasing sound. As well as overrunning the airwaves with mind-numbing noise, these groups also plan to completely remove the letter S from the English language.

“Why uze an S when you can just make a grammatical error and look cool?” Asked Young Jeezy (The Snowman). “It’s all about the Z now. We’re bringing back Zorro to fight these Terrorist [expletive]s.

“He’s a brilliant General, but having the word soul in his name was an embarrassment to African-American music in general.” Said the recently deceased Godfather of Soul, James Brown - speaking through his interpreter from the other side: Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Brown also showed that Jeneral Boy has indeed won the war on Hip-hop by confirming that Rap is in fact dead, and was murdered by Fergie when she joined the Black Eyed Peas and ruined the group.

Keebler Elves Die as Tree Ignites California Wildfires

Covert Meth Lab Brings Bitter End for Cookie Bakers
By: Eamon Conway

Investigators have determined the source of the California wildfire; it appears that the origin of the fire was an explosion in the world-famous home of the Keebler Elves, who died in the fire. The cookie makers had converted their world famous tree-kitchen into a meth-lab, and had been secretly producing, distributing, and consuming crystal-meth.

The Keebler Elves have been a longtime resident inside of a tree in the Los Padres National Forest. For years they made cookies inside their tree-house with their signature cauldron-boiled fudge.

In the late 90’s, the Atkin's Diet backlash against carbohydrates hit the cookie industry hard. With production at an all-time low, the Elves fell upon hard times and resorted to prostitution – Pedophiles pay extra for creatures even smaller than children. Police believe this is subsequent to when Ernie Elf started abusing narcotics including crack and black-tar heroin.

After the other elves began using crack, they easily converted the tree-kitchen into a meth-lab at some point circa 2002. They used cookie packages to export Meth, and imported Columbian Cocaine with cocoa bean shipments. The operation ran so smoothly that the Elves were turning huge profits and partying with Lindsay Lohan.

The Elves long used subliminal advertising in their products. E.L. Fudge cookies actually say ELF in all capital letters on the package. When they began manufacturing crank, they labeled it MidgETH.

"I can’t believe it. They seemed so nice and quiet" said next oak-tree neighbor, X the Owl from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. "I guess I should have suspected something after Ernie chased his girlfriend Smirfette into the front yard and fractured her clavicle with a rolling-pin."

Smoky the Bear is especially livid for letting this happen under his watch. “I didn’t know they were [expletive] meth-heads, I believed Ernie when he told me his teeth were turning yellow and falling out because of all the sugar, and now look at my [expletive] forest.”

In 2004 Ernie was arrested outside of a posh L.A. night-club following a fight with TV star Alf. Ernie’s close friend Gary Coleman disclosed the real details to the Truthbrush.

“I was with him. He was blown out of his mind. They were introduced, and he thought Alf said his name was Elf, and was mocking him. He hit him over the head with a beer bottle, but it didn’t break because Alf is covered in hair. The cops broke up the fight and put him in Jail.”

Pirates Attack North Korean Freighter

Seriously... look at this.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Last week a North Korean freighter, the Dong Lo, sailing in the waters Northeast of Africa was overtaken by a Pirate ship. The Pirate Ship: the Sea Word, sponsored by Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, is captained by Rufio – best known as Peter Pan’s sidekick from the movie Hook.

The Sea Word fired upon the Dong with strikingly phallic deck-cannons as it pulled along side the freighter. After disabling the communication systems, Rufio and the pirates swung onto the Dong’s Poop Deck armed with swords, wooden pistols, and bad attitudes. A handful of sailors were murdered, many thrown overboard into shark-infested waters, some even without the decency of a plank. After an abbreviated struggle, the pirates conquered the Dong and held the crew captive.

Using morse code, the Sea Word transmitted a statement after the hostile takeover of the Dong; the code read,"Rufio, Rufio, Ru-Fi-Oooooooh."

The North Korean Government is furious over the incident. Kim Jong Il stated; “That freighter was carrying grass clippings, what do they think I’m going to feed my country now… steaks?”

The ships crew is manned by hundreds of authentic swashbuckling pirates, most notably, Medium Wilbur Silver: the brother of Long John Silver. Wilbur, jealous of his brother, unsuccessfully attempted to rival his brother in the fast-seafood business when he opened Medium Wilbur's Peanut-Butter and Jellyfish. Also jealous of Long John's success in the undergarment industry, Wilbur invented the fishnet stockings.

In keeping with the times, the Sea Word has also employed at least a dozen fat, sweaty cyber pirates. They are dropouts from M.I.T. who have been on the run from the law after illegally pirating upwards of 10,000 songs from the internet. The nerds are used to hack into radar, navigation and communication systems… and the grease from their faces comes in very handy for the ship’s cook.

The US Navy has teamed up on a joint task force with the long-time nemesis of Pirates – The FBI. It is widely known that the FBI has hated Pirates for many years. They have gone as far as warning pirates at the beginning of every movie. "Puffy shirts, bandanas, earrings, sailing around on a ship with a bunch of dudes… and people wonder where the term Butt-pirate came from;" Said John Walsh, host of America's Most Wanted on Fox. Fox subsequently suspended him for homophobic remarks.

Recent polls found most Americans don't believe in Pirates, but they are still very prevalent. In the late 20th century, the US Government took their currency off of the Gold Standard in an attempt to make pirates – with their perpetual thirst for gold – obsolete. But the resourceful sea-dwellers adapted by stealing music and movies as their main source of income. This is why the FBI put warnings in movies.

Shotgun Game Turns Deadly for Creator

Man Killed For Breaking Rules

By Jah Banni

(Sunil Karakowski of the Coon Rapids, Minn. CSI Dept. poses next to the car where Sid Jakanoski was shot. Courtesy of TruthBrush)

Coon Rapids, Minn. (TruthBrush) – Sid Jakanoski was a man likely to be remembered for his love of polka, generosity, and competitive personality. It was, after all, his competitive streak that caused him to create the world famous “shotgun” game used to claim the front seat in a car. Unfortunately his penchant for competition led to his ultimate demise.

Jakanoski was killed yesterday outside of Duluth after playing the “shotgun” game with a man carrying a gun of the same name. He was 62. Harvey Mankin, 56, is charged with shooting Jakanoski and would face life in prison if convicted.

Witnesses say the shooting occurred as a direct result of the game itself. According to Missy Hagosloski, who witnessed the killing, Jakanoski was irate that Mankin broke a rule of the game that states, “A person shall only call shotgun when the automobile of choice in plain sight.” Jakanoski, according to Hagosloski, claimed Mankin called “shotgun” from an angle that made actual visual confirmation of the car in question impossible.

“It was a junk call,” said Hagosloski. “That guy [Mankin] couldn’t even see the car. It was around the corner!”

Jakanoski, a Coon Rapids native, began shouting at Mankin that the call was “poo.” As they neared the car, according Hagosloski, Mankin refused to give up the front seat, prompting Jakanoski to push Mankin from behind as he tried to open the door. As Mankin stumbled away from the front passenger side door, he turned wielding a 12 gauge shotgun and fired twice into Jakanoski’s chest.

Police Capt. Sammy Terahawsky, a friend of Jakanoski’s, called it, “… a sad day for shotgunners everywhere.”

“He was a stubborn and competitive man,” said Capt. Terahawsky. “He really took pride in the fact that he created something that became known all over the state, and the world for that matter.”

Jakanoski’s ex-wife, Henrietta Oski, 59, said she was there when he created the game.
“It was 1967, and we were attending St. Cloud State University,” started Oski. “One day four of us were going to the movies and an argument started about who got to sit up front. Sid, being the who he was, refused to give it up without some sort of competition. So later that night, he sat down and created rules about calling the front seat. He loved hunting, so he called the game ‘shotgun’. I just can’t believe he was killed by one.”

Police are awaiting toxicology reports on Mankin, who was known to have a few chardonnays before breakfast, lunch, and dinner, before making a statement. Missy Hagosloski, for one, believes Mankin should have to play the shotgun game with a grizzly bear as punishment.

“He [Mankin] took away the man created a game that entertains the world. We are talking about a hero of competition and fair play,” said Hagosloski. “A bear fight is the only way to go.”

Henrietta Oski chooses to remember Jakanoski as, “… someone who created and lived the American dream.”

Jakanoski is survived by his ex-wife, two and a half kids, a white-washed fence, and a 1992 Chrysler LeBaron.

Breaking News - Geighzing at the Stars

Petty in Nature: Singer Backs Down, Despite Previous Claims

by Jah Banni

(Creepy Tom Petty)

Gainesville, Fla. (TruthBrush) – “You can stand me up at the gates of hell … But I won’t back down.” The words of Tom Petty seem genuine enough. His actions, however, suggest otherwise.

Tom Petty has backed down. The 57-year old native of Gainesville made the decision late last week, after being triple dog dared to visit the very gates he mentions in song. Petty, who originally made the bold statement in 1989 on his album Full Moon Fever, admitted that this was not an easy decision.

“Hey, baby … there ain’t no easy way out,” said Petty.

“You don’t know how it feels,” said Petty. “I’m running
down a dream and I guess it’s wake up time. It’s just gotten to the point where … I’ve had a breakdown. I’m free falling.”

- Tom Petty

In effect the dare was a microcosm of what has caused Petty some discomfort with the statement since he first made it. The pressure of life, it seems got to the Rock and Roll hall of famer.

Petty, says that the “…world that keeps on pushing me around,” has finally won out. He warns, however, that this is not the end.

“You don’t know how it feels,” said Petty. “I’m running down a dream and I guess it’s wake up time. It’s just gotten to the point where … I’ve had a breakdown. I’m free falling.”

“A lot of people say, ‘You got lucky’ and I can’t disagree. But I also tell them ‘Don’t come around here no more,’” Petty continued. “Even the losers that tell me those things know its time to move on. I am not a refugee. I am learning to fly … maybe into the great wide open. Who knows? But there is something in the air.”

And that is, of course, an airplane.

How the Wench Stole Halloween - and Why It's Cool

Girls everywhere giving new meaning to trick or treat.

Holiday SpecialEd-itorial

- yeah I'm a day late F off.

By: Aimin' for Failure

Christmas was scrumptrulescent as a kid; unless you had parents that celebrated Festivus, home schooled you, or made you listen to Raffi's or Wayne Newton's Christmas albums. But then you turned 14, and your parents let you know that Santa wasn't real. This was the beginning of the end.

Instead of buying erasers from Santa's workshop for 8 cents, suddenly you find yourself in the Gap shopping for $60 midget tank tops that you know your sisters will hate anyway. Then you turn 45 and out of the blue your family disallows you from bringing women to X-mas dinner whom you met at a techno dance club on Christmas Eve…suddenly nobody wants ecstasy for a present. Then all the kids refer to you as the "creepy uncle" who lost his leg in a knife fight.

Christmas went downhill with age. Easter was always lame. You have to go to work on July 5th. St. Patrick's Day started off irrelevant before reaching A+ status when you went to college. But there was only one holiday that has been there for you all along… yes. Halloween.

As a kid you would get candy; unless you got toothbrushes from pretentious dentists. Or maybe you were like me and lived by creepy farmers who chased you with pitchforks because grain alcohol makes a 4'6'' Frankenstein a feasible reality. Halloween was great as a kid because candy was everything; but even as you got older you still loved it, just for a different reason. Halloween evolved... it’s like the Mark Wahlberg of Holidays. (In the sense that as a kid, you loved Marky Mark's work with the Funky Bunch, but now you really appreciate his dramatic acting abilities in films like The Departed.)

Halloween is all growed up. Guys love Halloween because it is like a DMV giving us a license to dress like a total idiot and act accordingly. And it gives women free purple-reign to dress with reckless abandon. Like a "Get out of clothes free" card, they can cover themselves half as much as usual, with exactly half as much fear of judgment or scorn from other women. Everybody wins.

However, when describing costumes, some women are overstepping the adjective-boundaries. At some point, girls stopped being nurses, cops, mechanics and subway sandwich artists… and they became hot nurses, sexy cops, slutty mechanics and wanton sandwich artists (O.K. so I made the last one up… maybe I just have a thing for girls wearing hats…and covered in wilted lettuce).

The point is, it is illegal to add your own adjective. The last time I checked, beauty is in the eye of the beholder… so maybe she tells everybody she is a sexy scientist, but maybe that cold sore says she is just a scientist. I had friends in college that went out as "Slutty Mimes," but not only did they talk, they talked a lot… and they weren't promiscuous. This is false advertising. Even though girls are usually correct when adding the generous adjectives, it's still not in the girl’s jurisdiction to make this self-judgment. It is like giving oneself one's own nickname.

At some point girls decided to start wearing costumes equal in size to the ones they wore when they were 8. Women went from dressing as Barbie girls to Call girls. And who am I to stop this revolution, I am only one man. I am not complaining; I am just illustrating the point that the adjectives are unnecessary. Let other people bestow them upon you. If you want me to do it, you can find me at the bars dressed as a Hot Ogre (but which part will be the costume?).

Robble-Robber Implicated in Food Thefts

By Jah Banni

(Artist's Rendering of Hamburglar Hearing)

Urbana, Ill. (TruthBrush) – After more than thirty years of speculation and prosecutor ineptitude, the popular McDonald’s character Hamburglar was arraigned yesterday in an Urbana, Ill. Federal Court on charges of more than 2 million thefts of various hamburgers and fast food side-dishes. Appearing in his traditional cape, hat and mask, the Hamburglar entered his initial plea of not-guilty before Judge Rita Wang.

The thefts occurred over a 34 year period in all 50 states and over 200 countries worldwide. Most of the victims were local restaurant chains who attempted to hone in on the McDonald’s hamburger as a competitor. The breadth of the charges would dictate and automatic quadruple life sentence.

Appearing with the accused to hear the charges was his lawyer, Grimace Attorney at Law, who despite limited experience is confident his client will be cleared of all charges.

“I studied law at McDonalds University, and I have known the Hamburglar for many years,” said Grimace. “Duh. I would bet the color purple on his virtuousness.”

District Attorney David Thomas, however, is decidedly less confident in the Hamburglar’s presumed innocence.

“Here is a man who for thirty-some years has been going from place to place stealing people’s hamburgers and it has finally caught up with him,” said an exuberant Thomas. “I am excited for the day the Hamburglar goes the McSlammer.”

This is not the first time the Hamburglar has been charged with burger theft, but it is the first since 1993 when the charges were thrown out of court after former Mayor McCheese refused to testify on behalf of the prosecution. Rumors swirled he was paid off by Birdie the Early Bird and the Happy Meal Gang. McCheese was widely castigated after the incident, and recently served time for selling heroin while in office, but remains steadfast in his defense of the accused.

“I still think he’s innocent, sure,” said McCheese. “I’ve never doubted Hammy. Not once. And you need not pay me for that.”

Thomas was not the D.A. for the 1993 trial, but started preparing for this trial as far back as 2000, and is prepared to throw everything, including the kitchen sink, at the striped stealer.

“I already have commitments from Wendy, the King, Carl Sr., Harold and Khumar, Chuck Cheese, Popeye, Tim Horton and others who are willing to testify against the Hamburglar,” said Thomas. “I think it is safe to say the world is tired of this man thinking he can get away with stealing.”

The Hamburglar himself released a brief statement before the arraignment began.

“Robble, robble, robble,” he said.

“I think that statement in itself shows the nonchalance with which he operates,” said a perturbed Thomas. “He is arrogant beyond belief to think he could steal hamburgers and get away with it.”

It was that arrogance in itself that finally caught up with the Hamburglar. According to longtime friend Gwyneth Paltrow, authorities contacted her after viewing the Hamburglar’s MySpace page, which proudly showed him eating a hamburger in a bathroom stall at an unnamed restaurant in Taiwan with the phrase “Over 2 Million Served, Biotch” under it.

“He got careless,” said Paltrow. “He thought he was above the law. I’m worried for him.”

Grimace maintains the web-page is satire on his perceived public image.

“It was a joke! A joke. He knows people think he is a thief – hell, its in his name,” said Grimace. “So he decided to make a little play on it. That was a burger he made himself, and staged in a local McDonald’s – with their permission. The 2 Million served is an obvious play on his employer! They are ok with it. I can’t believe this would cause an arrest.”

Web forensic specialists are examining the pictures to determine their origin and validity.

Meanwhile, the Hamburglar is free in $5 million bond.

Athlete Finally Blames God for Loss

After years of receiving sports praise, the finger is finally pointed at God by Rockies

By: Aimin' for Failure

Denver Co -- On Sunday night, the Boston Red-Sox concluded their hasty sweep of the Rockies in the World Series. While numerous Red-Sox players took to the press thanking God for their victory, the Rockies finally did something newsworthy by making sports history with their explanation for the loss. Coach Clint Hurdle and first baseman Todd Helton both allocated blame for their poor performance on the Almighty One; marking the first time an athlete has ever acknowledged God in defeat.

After the loss, Hurdle, the Rockies manager addressed the media; “First off, I’d like to blame God for the loss. We are the only Christian clubhouse in all four major sports, and we clearly prayed harder than Boston. Even so, it is pretty evident that God had an axe to grind and made our pitchers lob meatballs for four straight games.”

Team Captain and first baseman Todd Helton was more abrasive in his accusations; “After all the credit we gave him for winning the NL pennant, where was God for us on that one… Huh? The fact that I had no homeruns and 1 RBI for the series is not my fault, it was God’s.”

Through a hallucination to the TruthBrush, God said; “Soooo sorrrrrrrry, maybe the Rockies are right… maybe I’ve been wasting too much time in Darfur trying to stop ethnic cleansing, genocide, starvation and AIDS. Curt Schilling’s logic is flawless as well; I did take a break from curing world poverty to guide his old, flabby arm in hurling 90mph garbage-fastballs through the strike zone… You’ve gotta be kidding me… If I really cared about baseball do you think the Yankees would have 26 Championships? Besides, Fox starts the games at 9PM… Do they really think I have the time to watch baseball that late?”

Helton was so offended by God’s statement, that he is currently pursuing Scientology.

After almost every major championship, an athlete can be found proclaiming the holiest of allies in victory. If this is true, simple deductive logic will determine that God would also be causing the defeated team’s loss and heartbreak. Under this theory, God clearly hates Philadelphia – which is really not that far-fetched.

It is proven fact that God is inundated with prayers every day from sports fans and players. It is also fact that the numbers spike dramatically during big-games such as playoffs. The 2006 Soccer (Futbol) World Cup holds the record for flooding God’s Holy-mail inbox.

KKK Leader Turns Robes Pink in Washer; is Judged on Appearance

-Kicked out of Klan; forms own hate group against “colored” clothing

by: Aimin' for failure
Special-Ed Itor

Greenville S.C. -- KKK Grand Dragon, Toby Keith Helms, made a critical laundry error last week at his home in suburban South Carolina. A red shirt accidentally turned his uniform bright pink, which was the cause of a large riot when he arrived at his Klan meeting.

Usually his Waughter (common southern slang for wife/daughter combination) does the laundry, but Helms tried unsuccessfully, putting a red Boston Red-Sox shirt in with his hood and robes. On the hot water cycle, the shirt bled and turned his robes a dazzling pink hue. He was immediately expelled from the meeting and the Klan, and subsequently was the subject of a hate crime as he was beaten in the parking lot.

“I was the victim of discrimination based on the color of my sheets. The intolerance was horrifying. I believe it was God telling me to change…” said Helms. “I have seen the light, and it was a very bright white. This is why I formed a fresher, cleaner, and whiter white power group.”

For just $9.99, you can help rid America of all it's problems; a 20 dollar value. And, I'll even thrown in a free freebase spoon"

-Billy Mays

His new hate group – the Clean Clux Clan – which is anti “colored” clothing. “If it weren’t for the red shirt in the washer, none of this would have happened. It was a message from God, telling me to send these colored shirts back to where they came from… China.”

In an interesting development, Helms has enlisted the likes of Billy Mays: the ubiquitous and highly annoying infomercial star – most famous for Oxi-Clean. For almost a decade, Mays has been selling Oxi-Clean in a covert operation to overrun the world with ultra-white clothing.

In a very loud voice, through his ridiculous beard, Mays stated; “All along, I have not been selling mere cleaning products, I have been selling ethnic cleansing products. Soon my products will be so powerful that they will bleach more than clothing. Mwwahaha”

Saturday, at a rally on the steps of the laundromat, Mays and Chamberlain spewed vitriolic rhetoric and propaganda to literally dozens of white-clad supporters.

“We need to rid the country of colored laundry. It is the root of all of our problems. We need to return this country to when it was pure; when everyone wore white…before the Injuns showed up and invaded our country with their brown leather, colorful feathers and vibrant war paint.” He spewed, “Let’s bring our country back to the good’ole times.” [Editorial note – the country did not have plumbing at that time, or electricity, or American Gladiators].

Said housewife Dawn I. Moss; “I’d like to use regular detergent, but Oxi-Clean is so cheap, so powerful… and look how it gets rid of the Jews – uh, I mean stains… look how well it gets rid of these stains.”

New Evidence May Clear First Murderer

By Jah Banni



Garden of Eden -- Forensic scientists presented evidence to The Judge yesterday that may lead to the world’s first murderer being cleared of all charges. Mitchell Seeminn and Fritz Deferens of the German Forensic Institute (GFI), recently completed research which will likely exonerate Cain in the murder of his brother Abel during biblical times.



Testifying before the Grandest of juries, with God himself presiding, Deferens and Semenov teamed up to solve the oldest crime on record. Starting slowly, the pair built towards their climactic moment, eventually implicating another man in the slaying.



“We are prepared, through extensive DNA testing and retesting, to show the jury that Cain was not the murderer of his brother Abel,” started Deferens. “In fact, there was another person at the scene of the crime. This person’s DNA was found there shortly after, but due the shortage of police at the time, nobody could be sure how his DNA got there.”



History books, including the Bible, put the earth’s population at four around the time of Abel’s murder. The brothers were joined on earth only by their parents, original sinners Adam and Eve, although the couple did have more children later on.



“We know that because only four people inhabited the earth at the time,” continued Deferens during the buildup, “that Cain was going to be the one charged. Adam and Eve had alibis, whereas Cain could only claim an accident had occurred. In his sadness and shock, however, Cain could not even muster this defense.”



“But through our research, we know who did it,” Seeminn spewed to the stunned jury of saints. “Scott Bakula!”

(Right) Suspect Scott Bakula

“We all know Mr. Bakula as the star of Quantum Leap,” said Universal District Attorney Pontius Pilate to a courtroom almost comatose from shock. “It looks as though he decided to take advantage of that role and alter the course of history. I look forward to an expedient trial and conviction.”



Pilate, originally from Rome, is well equipped to deal with a high profile trial, having presided over the trial of Jesus and ultimately ordering his crucifixion. He is, however, a little more cautious in his approach this time having suffered for the past 2000 years being known as the man who gave the Savior the death penalty. He was, it should be noted, removed from his post and disbarred immediately after.



“I have learned from my mistakes,” he said in an interview after the trial. “Do you know what it is like to go through life knowing you put God’s son to death? Luckily, God is very forgiving and has allowed me to come back as his lead prosecutor. But I know now to look at all the facts, and in this case, they are pretty clear.”



Bakula, 53, and originally from St. Louis, Mo., will be charged with the murder of the biblical farmer in the next few weeks according to Pilate. His lawyers released a statement yesterday saying, “Mr. Bakula is aware of the impending charges and categorically denies them. He is so confident in his innocence that he will continue to not appear on television in any relevant programming.” He faces life in Hell Prison if convicted. Questions, however, remain.



Deferens and Seeminn, through consultation with Quantum Leap creator Donald Bellisario, were able to ascertain that Bakula used his powers to visit the Garden of Eden in May of 1993, during the show’s fourth season. The trip never appeared on show record because it was done over the Memorial Day weekend when nobody was to have access to the set.



“There was a strangulation,” said Seeminn, “and we were able to trace microscopic hair follicles back to Mr. Bakula. Outside of that, we may have never found out who did this.”



No motive, however, has been found or at least made public, but rumors persist of Bakula’s ongoing cocaine addiction which led him on searches of where throughout history he could produce the plant that is harvested and manufactured into cocaine without anyone noticing him. Prosecutors believe he may have stumbled upon Abel while searching for such a place.





God originally believed Cain had strangled his brother over jealousy of a sacrifice made by Abel being accepted by God, after Cain’s was rebuffed. Cain’s punishment was to become a nomad, which he served until his death.



More on this as details become available.

Paternity Test Results: Darth Vader not BabyDaddy

- "Luke, I am not your biological father"




By: Aimin' for Failure

The Death Star,

A shocking discovery was made yesterday on the Maury Povich show as DNA test results determined that Darth Vader (above) is not the father of Luke Skywalker. In front of a national audience, Lord Vader was vindicated, which then led to an expletive-laden victory dance in the face of a weeping Queen Amidala.

A long, long time ago; in a far, far away place, proper technologies were not available. But now, Vader [currently going by D-Vade] is off the hook for child support. He is hosting an “I’m not a Dad” Party in Scores Gentlemen’s club in Las Vegas on Friday. The guest list includes Kobe Bryant, David Hasselhoff, as well as Harrison Ford and Han Solo (sure to cause an awkward situation).

"I knew she was getting around. I can read peoples' freakin' minds for gods sakes," He told reporters after the show.

As for Amidala, the news is not so bright. Sleaze-bag Povich pretended to care while jamming a camera in her tear-soaked face during the worst moment of her life (coincidentally receiving the highest rating in show history). The news got worse from there; as Povich listed the possible fathers.

Following a night of binge drinking at Mos Eisley Cantina, poor judgment apparently led to a tryst with the homely Figrin D'an: a struggling Kloo-horn player in the house band.

Even worse, the other possible father was Kevin Federline. And Howard K. Stern has already staked an obviously false claim.

Life After Dumbledore: When Fictional Characters Come Out of the Closet

By: Jah Banni
(At right, Captain Planet - former lover of Albus Dumbledore)

Hogwarts Headmaster, and Harry Potter character, Albus Dumbledore has long been a secretive and captivating character in the up to the minute celebrity news world in which he lives. Very much the opposite of other Hollywood personalities such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and, you guessed it, Frank Stallone, Dumbledore preferred to keep his private life just that. Recently, however, the old wizard shocked the world by proclaiming himself gay through a statement given by his creator, J.K. Rowling.

The Past

Some, such as Dumbledore’s former lover Captain Planet, are not surprised that this information surfaced.

“It was only a matter of time,” said Planet. “He often asked me to have the Native American on my show provide the world with ‘Heart’ so they would accept us as lovers. Fictional, yes, but lovers nonetheless.”

Planet believes it was easier for fictional characters to share a homosexual relationship in the past, but says that the progress of open relationships, despite their obvious hardships, is a necessary evil on the road to equality.

“Of course it was easier. Don’t ask don’t tell was the rule of the day,” says the toned, but petit and shockingly blue cartoon character. “But that doesn’t mean it was a good thing for our community. Many people, myself included, struggled with our true feelings versus public perception. And I know there will be bumps in the road, so to speak, but if it helps a young made up person to feel more comfortable with him or herself, then it is progress.”

Others, however, are worried that Dumbledore’s revelation will lead to a Joseph McCarthy-like fictional character homosexual witch hunt.

Robin, boy wonder and sometimes Batman side-kick, has long dodged questions of his sexuality by inquisitive press members, fans and friends alike. Knowing that fictional characters are coming out of the closet has already reignited the question that had at least seemingly died down of late for the super-hero.

“I’m used to it by now, but I’d be lying if I said it was not bothersome,” said Robin. “Why can’t a character put on a mask and tights and take in a Streisand concert without that question coming up? From now on, it will be because of Dumbledore.”

The Present

Already, many other famed characters have come under attack from the media regarding their sexual preferences. Frodo Baggins, his friend and rumored lover Sam, Pinky from Animaniacs, Pooh-Bear, Mary Poppins, Mr. Belvedere, Bambi, He-Man sidekick Man-At-Arms, Peter Pan, Snow White, and most recently Optimus Prime have all been rumored to prefer members of their own sex.

"I am not gay. I am a [freaking] robot. How would that even work?"

- Optimus Prime

Prime, for his part, is irate.

“So I tell a young man to put the All Spark in my chest,” yelled a clearly upset Prime, “ … does that really suggest my sexual preference?”

The furor created by Dumbledore’s announcement is changing the way fictional characters pick roles in movies, books, and other distributed media.

Stewie, of TV’s Family Guy, turned down two opportunities in the past two days to play the character portrayed by Nathan Lane in Broadway’s The Producers, for fear that his part in a Broadway show would lead to questions of his sexuality.

“As watchers of our show know, I enjoy singing and fine culture,” Stewie said by phone, yesterday. “But I can’t risk being type-cast in the future. I am not at all changing my likes and dislikes, but to me, facing questioning for the rest of my career is not worth it. By the way, whatcha got there? Huh? Reeeeaaallly writing an article? Gonna make a difference? Huh? Thinkin’ about Dumbledore? You do that. Write that article. You are a journalist.”

Not everybody thinks this way. During a phone call yesterday, Superman revealed that he was planning to sign on for a starring role in the sequel to Brokeback Mountain.

“Joe Shuster and Jerry Siegel, my creators, know me and know my values,” said the Man of Steel. “They are behind me 100%. This is a role I cannot wait to play. And I know Heath [Ledger] is looking forward to it as well.”

Optimus Prime still fumes over questions of his personal life, and vows to overcome them.

“I am not gay,” said Prime. “I am a [freaking] robot. How would that even work? I will not let this deter me in the future. I came here from a planet far away to co-exist with earth creatures. I will not be scared away by silly questions about me, a young man, and the All Spark.

The Future

Spiderman, who is quick to point to his famed kiss with Mary Jane as proof of his preference, understands Optimus Prime’s concern, and has one of his own.

“The thought that the creator of a fictional character would go on record speaking about that character’s sexual preference is mind numbing,” said Spidey. “Stan Lee, my creator and a good friend, would never do such a thing, but imagine J.R.R. Tolkien coming out and speaking openly on behalf of Samwise Gamgee … it’s scary.”

Spiderman is not alone in this worry. Captain Planet, despite his support of Dumbledore and other gay fictional characters, says his one worry is a creator who feels disrespected or betrayed.

“It is the one thing I worry about. This business is so crazy that it’s bound to happen. Some young creator gets upset that a character of his or hers is getting all the attention they should themselves garner … Let’s just say it is an easy card to play,” a concerned Planet said. “ ‘This character is gay’ is something we may hear way too much of in the future.”

Albus Dumbledore, despite being the first fictional character to come out of the closet, has remained silent since his shocking disclosure. It is unknown whether or not he is currently involved in a relationship, which fits his public persona prior to the revelation. But friend, and fellow wizard Gandalf the Grey, for one, believes Dumbledore is doing just fine.

“Albus is very much a home-body. He is also innovative, bright, and generous,” Gandalf said. “Whatever reasoning he had behind the decision [to come out], it was anything but spontaneous. He is, of course, a wise, old wizard.”

And a made-up, gay one at that.

Sara Lee-eave That Recipe Alone: Little People Cry Foul Over Miniature Muffins

By: Jah Banni

G.I.A.N.T. spokesperson, Robinson Caneyo

Austin, Tx. -- A top executive at Sara Lee Corp. is feeling the heat over a proposed change in the company’s baked goods line. E. Samson LaVell, CEO of Specialized Markets for Sara Lee, has drawn the ire of the G.I.A.N.T. Group, a civil rights organization focused on the interests of little people, over the proposed product MiniMuffs.

G.I.A.N.T., which stands for Great Intelligence At Nominal Tallness, alerted the company at a local market council meeting of its intent to file a suit based on Sara Lee’s “ignorance of the fundamental needs and desires of little people,” according to G.I.A.N.T. spokesperson Robinson Caneyo, who was himself present at the meeting. Caneyo declined to speak directly with The Truth Brush, but did, however, provide us with a copy of the letter given to LaVell and other Sara Lee market council members.

LaVell may find his company in even hotter water based on his initial reaction to the letter. Upon opening the envelope handed to him by Caneyo, LaVell reportedly laughed so ferociously a paisley necktie became lodged in his throat. LaVell refused to describe what caused his laughter, but The Truth Brush has obtained a copy of the letter and will re-produce an excerpt below:

"Dear Mr. LaVell,
It is with a G.I.A.N.T. sense of urgency that I write you this letter to make you aware of the ignorance your company is showing the Little People community, both in this country and abroad. You have showed that, at least in this case, Sara Lee is the littlest person of us all. To think you would knowingly shrink the size of your muffins to create a situation in which a little person would be exploited in his or her own grocer of choice is mystifying. You have become jaded in reaching your 72 inches, Mr. LaVell, and I think it is a tall task before you to quell the anger of the world’s largest group of little people."

Despite his use of a very small pencil, Caneyo went on to say a civil suit would be filed in the event that Sara Lee Corp. continues with its productions of MiniMuffs. Sara Lee had not returned the phone calls of The Truth Brush as of publication time, however a 2006 press release detailed the proposed small snack.

“MiniMuffs, Sara Lee Corporation’s newest product, blends great taste with cutting edge human to food size ratios to create the world’s first snack designed to take up just the right amount of space in our customer’s digestive system,” wrote Luisa Ramos, Product PR Manager at Sara Lee Corp. “In today’s world, much of the available snack food market is focused on products with the word ‘Giant’ or ‘King Size’ attached. Now, Sara Lee is offering people of smaller stature the ability to snack on a product to fulfill the faint hunger pangs of a tiny tummy.”

Reports that Verne Troyer would be Sara Lee’s spokesperson for the product are unconfirmed.

Why are homeless people so tired?

-taking over the world is hard work

Special-Ed itorial

By: Aimin' for Failure
Senior Vagrancy correspondent


There is a park right by my work (I’m an Explorer for the US and A) which I walk through frequently. I love people watching, and even though hobos don’t count as people, they are clearly fascinating to observe. But yesterday I noticed that it was right around noon, and the bum I was looking at was still sleeping.

I flashed back through my life: Bum sleeping in restaurant doorway, bum sleeping on a bench, bum sleeping in the park, bum sleeping in the park on a bench. It dawned on me that most of the bums I have seen were asleep.

This caused me to begin to wonder… what makes them so tired? Shopping carts filled with plastic bags aren’t that heavy. It’s not like they’re tired from painting the house all day or mowing the lawn. And obviously they aren’t exhausted due to their stressful Wall Street job.

What do they do all day? Engross themselves in conversation with trees, animals and motorcycles, use pants as cotton porta-johns, grow beards, dress like it is Halloween year round, and give lectures to audiences of no one, until a curious idiot like myself starts talking to them.

We only see homeless people doing one of three things,
1. sleeping
2. asking for money
3. preaching about the apocalypse.

But I’ve discovered the secret. The key is what we don’t see them doing. They are always sleeping during the day because they were up all night planning to takeover the world. And why are they always soliciting money? If they are homeless, should they not be asking for a home? They are gathering money for their cause, which is to bring down the system and enslave the workers. The ones preaching about the apocalypse are defectors from this evil cause who are legitimately trying to warn us… and you cast them off as crazy.

What would a slave do… work; and what would a master do…nothing. A job is nothing but merely training to become a hobo’s slave. Meanwhile, bums have been doing nothing, training all along to be your master.

I know this is true because my homeless friend “Bilj” (actually Bill, but alcohol limits his use of the letter L to one at a time) told me so. Most people ignore him, but I don’t and that is why he let me in on the secret. I have no reason to doubt anything he says, except that last week he told me that, “Bill Clinton was a homosexual and it says so in the bible.”

Other than that, he’s totally credible. He also predicted that it was going to be cold last winter, that the Pirates wouldn’t win the World Series this year, and that the mortgage-market bubble was about to burst, leading to massive interest rate cuts by the fed and the plummeting value of the US Dollar.

Next time you see a bum, be nice to him, he might own you someday.

Religious Tattoos do not gaurantee trip to Heaven

-God Vetoes Religious Tattoo Amendment, Shoulder blade crucifix no longer gaurantees eternal salvation.

by: Aimin' for Failure

Heaven,

Last week, the Heaven House of Representatives ratified a controversial amendment to the Ten Commandments by voting 57-46 to pass a bill concerning religious tattoos. However, God used his Holy Veto power to overturn the decision.

What would have been the 11th commandment would have allowed so called "get out of jail free cards" for tattooed Crosses, Jewish Stars, depictions of God, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed, Lou Diamond Phillips, etc.

A spokesman for God said that “Admission should concern how virtuous a person was, rather than a $75 ink investment. A religious tattoo doesn’t necessarily make a person moral… in fact it makes them 32% more likely to be a member of a L.A. street gang.”

St. Peter disagreed with the decision. "I saw the bill as a logical solution to Heaven's illegal-immigration problem.” Limbo has recently become overcrowded, mainly by souls awaiting the tattoo vote. The result was rampant border jumping; forcing St. Peter to step up border security along the pearly gates – which have been damaged in many places.

The most notable celebrity waiting on the tattoo decision is Tupac – due to a dubiously negative career offset by many religious tattoos. The halfway-in/halfway-out status has allowed Tupac to release his last 7 albums post-mortem, as well as erasing the “T” from his giant “THUG LIFE” tattoo.

God also covered other topics in the Veto- Stating: “Strongly discouraged is a tattoo of a newborn 2 days before turning into a deadbeat dad.” The language also suggested that directing Passion of the Christ does not grant free reign for drunken Nazi rants.

Pornstar Sues For Sexual Harassment In The Workplace

By: Eamon Conway


San Bernardino, CA



Adult Film Star Kristal Nacht - star of such films as Kristal Nacht Up and Debbie Does Dallas' Taxes filed charges yesterday in California's third Circuit Court, alleging Sexual Harassment in the workplace. She is bringing a lawsuit against a coworker, a director and a boom-mic operator. Sworn in by Judge J.M. Reinhold, Nacht testified that she was harassed and embarrassed in a work environment while filming a scene for the upcoming movie – Transfornicators.

"I was touched inappropriately on the small of back by my coworker" [identified as Steely McBeam]. On the date in question, Nacht testified that Mr. McBeam made a sexual advance toward her, to which she warned him to stop.

According to Nacht, McBeam was then encouraged by Director Steven Feelberg and Boom-mic operator David Schwimmer, formerly of Friends. When McBeam tried once again, Nacht halted the filming and called the authorities.

"On the set and in my job environment, I was objectified, treated like an object, demeaned, made to feel uncomfortable, and objectified;" Nacht said through a prepared statement. I was humiliated in front of my coworkers and stripped of my respect."

Lawyers for McBeam called the lawsuit preposterous, saying that Nacht was vengeant due to being fired. Nacht was laid off (pun not intended) for missing performance goals according to Feelberg.

Knacht is supposedly seeking upwards of $600 dollars in damages.

Have You Ever Been Iced By Your Treadmill?

By: Eh Man

better pen-name pending

-Toothbrush Poorespondent

Every day, people (including myself) flock to stadiums and pay large sums of money to watch sporting events. I have no room to call this stupid or inane, although my mere presence at such an event should alert the masses that this is no brain surgery convention. However, I have happened upon a great discovery. A better sport that is free: treadmill diving.


After a surgery relegated me to the cardio room of my gym, I thought I would be miserable. I dreaded countless hours staring at a muted tv playing Tyra Banks’ show. However, as I pedaled away on my bike, something amazing happened as if ordered by the hand of Zeus himself… WHAM… A girl on the treadmill directly in front of me absolutely bit it. A perfect symphony of un-coordination and speed. While in absolute sprint she managed to drift slightly enough to the right to allow a foot to catch both the treadmill belt (moving at a pace roughly around 10mph) and the giant plastic side-footrest (moving at a rate somewhere in the range of 0 mph).


The result. The left leg continued on its stationary trip to Pittsburgh; however, the right leg began a rapid yet short-lived excursion towards Nova Scotia. The left leg decisively won the battle, much to the delight of me. She began a swift descent towards the belt which then projected her by the knees backwards to the final destination: a rubber floor. Everyone paused to look or offer help. Thats when the most stunning part happened…


She scrambled to her feet like a cheetah and immediately started running again. While evading every stare and offer of assistance, she steadfastly refused to acknowledge the amazing event that had just transpired. I was completely distraught. I crawled to the top of a Tibetan mountain top and asked myself: Why?... This would be like witnessing someone get hit by a bus, shaking it off… and walking right back down the bus lane.


Did she really believe that nobody noticed this masterpiece? And if we did, did she think it was that forgettable? ...that we could all ignore the pink elephant in the corner of the room. I wonder if she imagined that it would inspire some jackass to write a thesis.


Like a crack addict, or nascar fan, or crack addicted nascar fan (probably comes hand-in-hand), every day I biked and diligently waited for another crash. One might tell me: “you are creating a great deal of negative karma for yourself… and this will happen to you.” Good. I am waiting. There is a blatant way to deal with a scenario like this. Believe me, EVERYONE knows that you just fell off the treadmill, so you may as well admit it. You have two routes you can take.


-Stay down and stare at the treadmill for a little while. Then begin laughing at yourself. Trust me, everyone is already internally laughing at you… better to change that to externally laughing with you.


-Stay down on the floor. You are already a jackass, may as well be a giant one. Make it memorable. Begin convulsing and yelling loudly. Finish it off with some incoherent babble about eating a bald eagle for Thanksgiving dinner with Vincent Diesel. Wait until an ambulance comes, tell them you can’t feel your legs, and then make a miraculous recovery 12 minutes later.